METANOIA | TK

Chapter One

It's during those times that Jeongguk realizes he's not, well, doing well, but he doesn't do anything to make his life better. Instead, he works. He works, and works, until his mind loses track of those depressing thoughts. Ever since he's been in high school, Jeongguk has kept studying, working, in order to keep his mind busy — in order to keep those thoughts away and his mind sane.

He hates feeling like that, feeling like he doesn't have anything when he really does have everything he wants, but he can't help it, can't help feeling lost even if he isn't. Maybe he is lost but he's not sure what part of him is missing or if there's any part missing at all.

He does want to be found, but he doesn't want anyone to find him, that's the main problem he has to deal with, that's the idea that makes him confused because it's his own mind that thinks that way and yet, he cannot understand it.

He wants to be loved, but he's scared of being loved, of not being good enough to be loved, of not finding the right person to love and eventually failing to do so. Just like loneliness, the fear of falling in love is maybe just as painful. 

For the past few years, ever since he's realized that his domain of choice wasn't going to be easy and that he had to make sacrifices in order to become a successful architect, he's relied on a no relationship rule that he's created himself in order to not have any distractions from his sleepless nights of work. He couldn't afford to do so, couldn't let a relationship that wouldn't even last through college make him work less for his dream.

Ironic, since the said relationship rule makes him feel so miserable during the night, when he's at his weakest. He can't actually break it since he's keen on controlled and organized lives, so he keeps following it, only relying on one night stands and quick hook ups whenever he needs to take his mind off work for at least a few hours.

He's been interested in a few people before but he was never a rule breaker so he just, left, stopped calling, stopped answering, said he just got bored, when in reality he's always been just afraid of true commitment. He likes to believe that he hasn't yet found the perfect match for him, the person that would make him stay, that would force him break his own rules, but he's fully aware that's not true. He's just too scared.

To keep his emotions in check whenever he feels like exploding, or to at least make them disappear for a little while, he drowns in work, he drowns in it until he misses days of good sleep, he envelops himself in plans until his friends have to check up on him in order to make sure he's still sane, still breathing.

He does that all the time because his feelings are always all over the place so focusing on other tasks makes them settle for a while.

Tracing his pencil on the paper taped on his office desk, Jeongguk sighs, letting his ruler fall near it when his phone starts buzzing. Must be Namjoon again, he thinks and is absolutely right. For a second he considers ignoring the call but that would force Namjoon or Yoongi to come check on him again and he's not that selfish. So he picks it up and answers with a sigh.

"Yes?"

He hears shuffles in the background as something that sounds like glass breaking can be heard, Namjoon's voice softly swearing coming right after.

"Yea, Gguk, wait a second, I dropped my fish bowl and Nietzsche is fucking dying on the floor."

Jeongguk cracks a laugh because, yes, he is able to do that, then massages the bridge of his nose as he hears more shuffling. He turns in his chair as he waits for Namjoon to continue. When he doesn't, he sighs.

"Didn't Nietzsche die from pneumonia?" He asks, hearing another swear as Namjoon finally sighs, probably having saved his damn fish by now.

"Don't make fun of this stuff, Jeongguk, Nietzsche died coughing once, not gonna happen twice. Shit, I subconsciously made a joke about it too."

He chuckles, leaning back in his comfy chair — not leather since that one is overrated and very uncomfortable — waiting for Namjoon to state the purpose of a call in the middle of their work hours. He thinks he hears Yoongi's voice in the background asking Namjoon what the fuck did he break again, but he ignores it and focuses on playing with his kneadable eraser.

"Okay, going back. I called to ask if you're free tomorrow evening?" His friend finally asks, Yoongi's voice still echoing in the background shouting something about Namjoon having to let the damn broom down before he breaks his arms or something, then asking why the hell is he trying to soak up the water with it.

Jeongguk adores their passive aggressive relationship, he has to be honest.

"Mhm," he mumbles, letting the eraser — now molded in an imperfect sphere — roll on his desk until it falls and hits the floor with a thud. "I just have a morning meeting with my client then I have to go give my hopefully finished plans to the construction team. Why?"

At this point, Namjoon and Yoongi are fighting over the fact that Namjoon can't break his arms while using a broom since "Yoongi, this isn't fucking Quidditch, okay? I won't sit on it and just go flying around the room so give it back."

A very plausible reason.

"Yoongi and I got invited to this fancy ass theatre today and I was, okay, we were, wondering if you wanted to tag along since you said you like art and all that stuff— shut up, I'm trying to manipulate him into getting out of that damn house!" Namjoon whispers as Yoongi huffs something on the background that sounds a lot like "he's forced to come or I'll beat his ass" but he ignores it.

"Tell Yoongi his brother says hi, by the way. What are we watching?" He asks, getting up from his chair in order to stretch his muscles and joints. His whole body cracks like he's been sitting on that chair for days, which wasn't that far from the truth.

"I don't know, we're going because it's fancy. You're coming or not? We'll take Jin if you're not coming."

"Oh, so I'm just a side plan? I feel truly loved and important, thanks." He says as he stares out of the window of his office, watching the cars go by under him.

"No", "Yes" "Yoongi, shut up, he's your fucking brother!"

Jeongguk chuckles, deciding that he's had enough of their fights for today.

"I'll come, text me the address and time and I'll meet you there. Tell Yoongi he can shove that broom up his ass."

He hangs up afterwards, turning back towards his desk, staring at the plan of a building with sad eyes. He's tired but he still has to finish it if he wants to have something he can offer his client so he grabs himself another cup of coffee from his kitchen and goes back to work, tracing lines and calculating measurements until the sun goes down and comes up again, catching him still doing the same thing.