Seeing Shane Gray ✓

thirty two | date

"Good, because he's coming over," Racheal says, looking over my shoulder.

My heart speeds up and I nearly choke on air. Marla nods comfortingly at me and Riley smiles like she's in on some dark secret. I look up when Shane stops right next to me.

He smiles slightly at my friends who could not be any dumber right now. Riley and Marla are basically smirking at Shane, and Racheal is beaming so wide I'm sure Shane is inwardly freaking out. Sure enough, his smile falls a little and his brow furrows. He looks down at me and clears his throat.

"You got a few minutes?" he asks.

Nodding, I get to my feet, wishing my friends had the brains to act normally instead of making Shane feel like a total weirdo.

"What's up with them?" Shane asks as soon as we're a couple of steps away from my table.

Heat creeps up my neck. "I told them I kissed you," I confess, not wanting Shane to worry about what else I might have told them.

He snorts. "Oh," he mumbles as we walk side by side past the tables in the cafeteria and make our way outside.

A few people glance our way but nobody takes much notice. There isn't much to notice in the first place. Shane and I don't appear any different and I'm certain I'm the only one who feels like anything has really changed. Shane looks like himself, wearing his signature button-down shirt and long coat, his hair pushed gently back, his smile in place.

My heart sinks.

Maybe he also thinks last night wasn't the right time for a kiss.

We stop near the bleachers of the football field and Shane turns to look at me. I lower my gaze and knot my hands behind my back, digging the toe of my sneakers into the dirt.

"So ... what's up?" I ask lamely.

A moment of silence passes and I look up to see Shane staring at me with the corners of his lips quirked upward.

"What's up? Really?" he asks playfully.

"I mean ... yeah," I say, feeling confused.

Shane chuckles. "We had our first kiss last night and you ask me what's up? Seriously, Taylor?"

"Well, I don't know what else to say, okay? I'm an awkward human being with limited social experiences," I say, trying to ignore the ringing of 'first kiss' in my mind. The way he's phrased it makes me question if we will have more. I mean, I do hope we will but is there really a socially appropriate way of asking such a question?

Lifting a hand to run it through his hair, Shane continues to laugh. I blush, scowling at him when he won't stop. I send a light punch into his stomach.

"Stop laughing at me," I whine.

Still chuckling, he rubs a hand where I punch him. "Sorry, you're just ..."

"What?" I press, expecting him to say something like 'stupid' or 'dumb'.

"Cute," he says instead, a smile playing along his lips.

His smile doesn't match his eyes which, I notice now, are bloodshot. There are bags under them and he blinks slowly and deliberately.

"You okay?" I ask before I can stop myself.

"Great," he answers automatically.

Shane's smile doesn't fade away but its fakeness stands out even more prominently. I see yet again how natural it is for him to smile and yet how it must hurt him. He smiles like I breathe, without effort. And yet it's nothing but that. While most people smile because they want to, Shane smiles because he has to. He smiles like he has no choice but to smile.

I bite my lower lip and frown, blinking and nodding when he doesn't elaborate.

"Are you ready for the game this Friday?" I ask, recalling suddenly what Carlos had told me about it being the biggest game for either of them.

Shane hums and looks out towards the field. I watch his gaze take in the empty bleachers and field and remember what he had told me about his father wanting him to play football.

I wonder if anything in Shane's life is his own choice.

"It's going to be my first game in a while," he says at last, his voice low and even. "Without the Adderall." Shane swallows and looks at me, his eyes so much darker than I know. "Honestly? I'm scared shitless."

He lets out a humorless laugh and I smile, wrapping my arms around my torso and nodding.

"You'll do fine, you know," I say. "You're great at football with or without Adderall."

Shane exhales a shuddering breath. "Maybe you're right," he mumbles.

"I'm definitely right," I reassure him.

He smiles at last.

"You'll do great," I say to Shane.

"Will you come to watch the game?" he asks.

"For you, yes."

His smile widens. "You said you don't like football. You never told me why."

I hesitate, averting my gaze from Shane and looking towards the field. It's so quiet, devoid of life, with clouds hanging low over it. It's just as I remember it the day Carter had told me he was going to try out for the team.

"Carter loved football," I admit after months of denying it.

"Yeah, he tried out for the team," Shane adds.

"He didn't make it," I say in a low voice.

Shane doesn't speak, just watching me with a serious expression on his face.

"I hate football because it was another rejection my brother probably didn't need when he was fighting with depression we didn't even know he had," I say, my voice sounding so distant and my words so foreign.

It's strange how neutral we become to things as time passes. Talking about Carter would have torn me apart a few months ago but, standing here now, it doesn't seem as impossible anymore. Maybe we do heal with time. Maybe the wounds don't hurt as bad and the heartache doesn't sting so much.

Or maybe we just get used to living with the pain.

"But you'll do great on Friday, I just know it," I say, changing the subject and turning to smile at Shane.

He reluctantly returns my smile, his eyes sad.

"And then we can go out on that date we've been planning for so long now," I say, wanting to see Shane's genuine smile.

Sure enough, his smile widens and his dimples grace me with their presence. "I'd like that," he says.

"Great," I beam. "Because I have to get to class right now."

"Shit, me too." Shane shakes his head.

We smile at each other before turning around and beginning to walk back towards the school building. As we enter through the door side by side, I feel Shane's hand nudge against mine before his fingers slip gently through mine.

I smile, wondering if Shane also likes the way my hand feels in his.

*.*.*.*.*.*

A/N: Okay, guys, for those of you who don't know, the story will end around 40-ish chapters. That would still make it about 60K words which is shorter than most of my other stories but I don't want to drag this on. Question: what is your favorite and what's your least favorite thing about this story? Please also tell me why so I can improve.