Jerk Reviews - Closed

16_Blood and Time

Review of Blood and Time by susannaevanspfw

This is a fun story to jump into but a bit difficult to keep swimming in. One reviewer enjoyed the dual nature of the journal entry in first person and the prose in third person. It's a useful structure because it allows the author to explore two dynamics of the character, the internal monologue and the external characterization and body language. It's a structure that one reviewer has found useful in their own writing and heartily recommends it, although it can be overdone or become tiresome if the author isn't careful, but no sign of that here. Nevertheless, there are issues which should be addressed.

The author is excellent with minor details and place descriptors and it is very clear that the author has devoted a significant amount of time to editing. However, the major issue with the work is a lack of clarity. Ideas float from one event to another. The author gives readers no time to breathe as they explain the points of the narrative which might be confusing to the audience. This confusing narrative is a shame because of the author's excellent ability to write detail and subtly and weave it so effectively into the scenes.

In short, the story showed great promise with a complicated and creative approach to a storyline. And the author uses a very neat "diary" version to introduce us to a character and try to build some form of explanation through varying types of dialogue.

Grammar, Syntax, and General Editing

Reviewers tended to agree that this piece is beautifully edited. Grammar or syntax problems are few to none. However, there are still minor editing issues. For instance, in the first chapter, the author ends the diary entry with the use of the word "well" in two consecutive sentences. It's best to avoid making the same word choices excessively. Similarly, some of the language could use work. For example, one reviewer noted that "Pink is as itchy as this suit" is a rather confusing simile, but it's clear what the author was trying to reach for by using this literary device.

Another reviewer also pointed out that the piece is very well edited, and beyond the aforementioned minor problems, there were not many errors noted by reviewers. Later on in the story the author tries to become "poetic" in their descriptions of what is happening, and this leads to some awkwardness (i.e. "the word didn't go beyond the air..."). There's an admirable attempt at a beautiful description, but it seems disjointed and missing syntax.

Plot, Narrative, and Tone

This story's opening device of a journal entry/letter to one's self works well to draw the reader in. It creates a sense of intimacy and suspense right from the beginning, a glimpse into the character's private life through their secret document. The old-timey upper-class vampire/demigod style is well-suited to the journal as well. The reader is attracted to the allure of the mystic as well as the nostalgia of a period piece. As the style continues to flourish and be successful, however, the substance begins to feel lacking, which leads to the primary issue for several reviewers.

Interestingly, the strength, and curse, of this work is the intricacy of the plot. The author has imagined a complex world full of characters that have clear and deliberate motivations guiding their actions. There's intrigue, questioning, strong openings, and punchy sentences that all promise to make this a strong work. Nevertheless, the rapid-fire introduction of characters, the immediately launching readers into the plot, the generating of reader questions: all these things become weaknesses rather than strengths rather quickly.

Withholding information from readers can be an incredibly effective tool in writing. Readers want to be curious about where the narrative is going. In fact, they need to be in order for authors to hold their attention. But, too many questions confuses readers to the point that they lose the narrative and any investment in the characters. For instance, in chapter two, the character Cat uses her magic to find a vessel, takes a step back, then goes home and says, "Why? Why didn't it work?" How do readers know it didn't work? What even is 'it'? Readers quickly become lost in these questions.