Review of Strange Life: The Mountains of our Heart by Galaxygal
Our Review:
Overall, this work is quite creative. The author has an amazing ability to imagine worlds and create stories. We can see this whole idea, the whole concept, that the author is trying to achieve and it is clear that a lot of time was spent on plot development. The author has a great ability to create a narrative in their head. In short, the piece is imaginative and the premise quite intriguing.
The grammar is fairly decent, and we can tell the work went through editing. As a result of this effort, the work isn't painful to look at because of any glaring errors, which is nice.
That having been said, there are issues with clarity which prevent us from being drawn into the story.
For instance, at times, the reader is presented with so much information that the narrative comes across as almost flighty, with the characters flitting from one idea to another with limited cohesion between thoughts, dialogue, and action. This issue was described by one reviewer as "info dumping," and we all agree.
The chosen tone and narrative style is difficult. The personal tone resulting from a first person point of view allows for the inclusion of humour and a lot of personal inflection, and it was an interesting choice. However, this voice ends up falling somewhat short as the story progresses, in part because of shifts in tone and narrative. For example, further into the story, we noticed that the author tries to take us out of the original narrative form and into a third person perspective. This change means that there's a disorienting jump back and forth between someone telling the story and the actual story itself.
There are times when a scene may begin from a third person omniscient POV but is then interrupted by the first person narrative voice. It is confusing to the reader to shuttle back and forth like that, and the lack of consistency leads readers to further disconnect from the writing.
Stylistically, the sentences are short and choppy, making the flow of the story feel almost jarring. Using short sentences removes chances for grammatical errors, yet it this lack of complex sentences feels somewhat unnatural. One reviewer likens this experience to reading a listing of facts in paragraph form, and we all agree. In sum, there's little connection between the reader and the plot or characters, in part because other forms of punctuation are forgone in favour of the period (full stop) and shorter sentences.
The overall feeling we got from this was that we were reading an incredibly detailed and well planned out outline, but the actual story needs more meat on its bones. Or, the meat it did have were stray pieces that left us starving. We were putting more in trying to find the story than we were getting out of it.
Plot is definitely this author's strength. They have an intriguing take on the imaginative world of paranormal hunters and mating, and one reviewer particularly enjoyed that the author's paranormal hunters have magic themselves, a deviation from the genre's norms.
The problem is that we don't get to see much of this world for ourselves. We believe this issue stems from the author's desire to get the ideas out of their head and onto paper. It's a problem many of us face sometimes, to get all our ideas out quickly. However, plot development and characterization take time.
Our constructive tips for Improving:
We would suggest the author work on exploring the material presented with more conscious deliberation. The first couple chapters could be fleshed out and expanded as a model for reforming the entire work. Basically, by sticking to one or two key events per chapter instead of having large time jumps and the presentation of so many "facts" without the emotional details, the author will find their ideas are presented much more successfully. The author's enthusiasm to push their story and ideas out quickly leads to a narrative that takes on a rambling form and pushes readers' interests away.
Our advice is to spend time on the story of Lily. Actually show readers what the character is feeling, thinking, seeing, and experiencing in detail rather than stating this or that about her training or thoughts. Readers should feel like the main character of the story. Put us in Lily's shoes rather than having us read a biography of her.
Show us how she overcame her past and how she comes to meet the love of her life. Make us feel as if we were Lily, or at the very least as if we were on this journey with her. We need to see it rather than read about it, draw us into the world so it feels real to us.
Bottom Line:
The narrative and plot in the author's head are amazingly creative and compelling. It is clear to us that the author has a strength in world building and imagination that isn't afraid to cut new paths within their genre
The piece needs a lot of polishing and chapters need to be shortened and focused on singular events to connect the reader to the story. The author should work on the inclusion of significantly more detail about events and characters to draw readers in more effectively.
There's so much promise in this story and everything the author has put into it. With the incorporation of these improvements, readers will undoubtedly be able to "see" the surprisingly unique world the author "sees" in their mind.
Strange Life: The Mountains of Our Heart is accessible here: https://www.wattpad.com/myworks/192454219-strange-life-the-mountains-of-our-heart
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Jerk Reviews - Closed
RandomWelcome from the Circle of Jerks. We're a group of snarky friends who enjoy humor and sarcasm. However, we also love serious writing and often spend time critiquing each other's works. If you're interested in having you work reviewed, along with a f...
