Jerk Reviews - Closed

12_Sakura Eyes

Review of Sakura Eyes by @naeomiiii

This work has quite a bit of promise, especially considering the first chapter, some reviewers believed that story has good context and good environmental descriptions. . The story started out strong with great scene setting, though there were a couple awkward sentences, it was the best edited chapter and really set a decent tone. The read was a good start and had reviewers excited to read the rest of the book. However, the writing has issues with maturity that prevent the writing and plot from being compelling, despite the world-building and overall theme of the piece being incredibly imaginative.

Grammar, Syntax, and General Editing

The editing and grammar of this story show a consistent requirement for the writer to go back through the work with a fresh mind or request help from someone else to edit. Without the corrections, it's a jarring read that comes off as rushed and half finished. Grammatical errors, word choice issues, and general over-wordiness detract from what could be an otherwise airy, charmed fable.

Editing became extremely problematic by the third chapter, with the author making errors in shifting tenses and making wrong word choices like writing "pass" rather than "past" or "drugging" rather than "dragging." Reviewers also noted that there were narrative and tense switches throughout the story, from the first chapter switch from a narrator to first person, to the third person from first person switch in the sword training montage. Because this story is written from the MC's first-person perspective, it is unlikely that she would know what Justin sensed. She can only narrate what she observes, and one cannot observe what another person senses. That is the limitation of first-person narrative. These changes interrupt the flow of the story and show a lack of consistency and editing in the overall story voice.

The author uses sayings and words incorrectly ( "underwhelming" - should be "overwhelming"; "made way from" -should be "made way for" as examples.) Also, descriptions were at times awkward ie blue dark instead of dark blue. These are simple errors but ones that stand out while reading. Other examples include 'I felt like this boy has seen' should change to 'had seen'; 'Brown, falling village house', where falling is the right idea but wrong word; 'This man was obviously a scam.' It's little errors like that that add up and need to be read out loud to catch sometimes. There are also some awkward phrases such as "greatly resembled." "Closely resembled" might work better here.

Plot, Narrative, and Tone

Some reviewers found that the plot had the makings of a good yarn, finding it ambitious and intriguing. It contained action, adventure, hints of magic and hidden identities all applied to build up the interest in the tale. But they found that the story was bogged down by an inordinate focus on daily village existence, the tedium of trying on clothes, the misery of eating disliked food. It's a simple story that needs a strong, complex and surprising main character. Other reviewers found the fact that the main character is just along for the ride in her own story seemed to wear down the narrative.

The MCs hyper-dependence on the males around her is off-putting, as was her constant passing out throughout the story. Furthermore, more reviewers found that the romance element was underdeveloped. In the grand scheme of things, she barely knows Justin. It left some readers wondering, why does she cling to him, and the other two boys for that matter, and put all her trust in them?

More reviewers found trouble with action scenes. Things "suddenly" happen and we lack the detail found in the early scene descriptions. It leaves the story off balance, as the reader is jerked through action scenes that are flat and one dimensional and lacking even basic information. The story has a plot that promises to have a great deal going on, driven by excitement and action, but the delivery of these scenes needs more detail and polish. It is suggested that the writer read some action filled fantasy before starting to write action scenes, to see how to get through these things if it is something they are interested in. Writers such as R.A. Salvatore have martial arts experience and write flowing, breathtaking action that could provide some inspiration or instruction on a fully developed scene.