Evergreen Everleigh - The Wattys 2020

Chapter Thirty-Three - Wonderings to a Mother

Chapter Thirty-Three

Wonderings

Dear Mom,

My hand is dawdling over the page and I can feel fear in my wrist. I don't know why. I don't know what to tell you!

Since we last spoke - or communicated, even - no mountains have moved, the sun still rises and the moon still shines. I wonder if you have been speaking with Wister about me. I also wonder what he might have told you. Maybe he told you my new name. Maybe he mentioned that I tore up some of the clothes you bought me to make a kite to cheer up a dear friend.

I can only hope that in this, you notice that I have a friend, not that I tore up the clothes.

This month, the dahlias in the left-field are blooming. My favorite this month is the sunflower. They remind me of the sunflower quilt on Harmony's bed.

I have to thank you for their photos. The twins still have my heart - they occupy such space there that my friends here will never rival. Please, if you can, despite your misgivings send them my love.

Despite what I might tell myself, Henry and Harmony are not why I wrote to you. Wister encourages our communication. Lady Lavender is a mother, true. But not my own.

I needed to tell you something.

Something I've known for a while. I'm not sure what stopped me saying it. Pride, hurt. Some deeply broken pieces of me. Maybe I was born that way?

I want to tell you that I understand.

I understand why you told me not to mention what I saw as a child, the people no one else could see, the voices no one else could hear. My dreams.

It hurt, terribly and deeply, but I understand. We were both scared. And I was your first child. It's a hard job, mothering. Some people are not made to be brilliant at it.

But the thing is, my understanding is here now because what I saw, is what I see. It never stopped. It only got louder, the voices clearer, the faces sharper.

I haven't accepted it. I'm not sure if I'm close. Some days, when I think it will just take until all of the dahlias and orchids are up out of the ground and then, just then, I'll be happy with who I am and what I can do! Then, the next day, the sinking feeling returns and I'm alone with my thoughts again and I realised I'd rather be with just about anyone else.

Anyway, you should know - I understand.

Here is a quote from Jayne Ellis, the author I mentioned I liked a lot in my last letter. I wonder if you've read her.

"The air in the room belonged to everyone, but that was before she was born. Squalling, the child kicked and screamed in strength. The trumpet of potential at birth was deafening. With her first breath, the mother watched the air in the entire world, not simply the room, belong to the newborn. When she held her breath, even her mother suffocated."

With regrettably delayed understanding, 

Your daughter

(I lied. That was from me - I'm trying to write). 

A/N

I found this hard to write, just from a narrative point-of-view. It was enjoyable though!

Jens xx