Rants

Depression

I've been feeling this pain in my chest for a very long time. At first, I thought I was just sick. But it kept getting worse. I stopped caring about everything. I stopped writing, I stopped performing at my job, I stopped performing at school. I used to never get lower than a 98% in any English class I took and now I have a C-.

I can barely breathe anymore. I feel like I'm so alone, like telling my friends will result in 2 things that lead to one ultimate thing. They will either think I'm complaining for attention or they will feel a burden from my pain and in the end, they will all leave me.

I am afraid that my mom will send me back to the rehabilitation hospital. I hated that place so much. I am afraid my family will never understand the pain I experience and say it is fake. It is not fake.

I am afraid that my boyfriend won't understand my mood swings and my constant negativity. I am afraid work will not understand that climbing out of bed some days is just too much for me to handle. I'm afraid school won't understand that my brain doesn't need poked and prodded and I don't need emotional support groups because "I just feel left out is all".

It's been about 4 years since my last suicide attempt. And tonight, I relapsed. If that's the right word. I don't remember much from the episode other than me constantly screaming about how much I wanted to die and how little my life really meant to me. And how alone I feel. I feel so alone. I feel like my life never gets better, my dreams just fade... I love writing, it's my future dream occupation yet here I am, haven't touched a pencil to paper in almost 3 months. Am I okay? No... Am I going to be okay tomorrow? Probably not.

I feel like I have to wear this constant mask that covers my face whenever someone is around. I have to pretend to smile because I know that is someone sees me cry it'll be the talk of the school. I'm just out for attention, huh?

Writing it all down helps a little. These are all things I could never say to my parents. These are all the things I've never admitted to myself.

They say I care too much, so I stop caring and then they say I've grown distant.

"You never shower anymore, when's the last time you've done laundry?" Hell if I know, I'm too busy fighting to get out of bed and fighting to listen to the teacher and fighting to not put my headphones in and listen to the saddest song I can find while the teacher is giving a lesson.

When was the last time I took care of myself? I don't know, I'm too busy keeping everyone from seeing how depressed I am that I'm digging myself down deeper.

I just want to be happy again... please?

I just want to be worthy again...

I just want to be needed again....

To feel wanted, like I have a place.

I want to be me again...

But I feel like me no longer exists...