Be My Mistake

11: The one who has to Let Go

BEATRIZ

How am I suppose to let go of this girl?

Palapit na ng palapit ang pag dating ni Nico at unti-unti narin akong nawawalan ng pag-asa na magtatagal pa ang relasyon naming dalawa.

Alam kong pagka-uwi namin dito sa Cebu, hindi na ako ang uuwian ni Jho. Hindi narin ako ang pupuntahan niya pagkatapos ng trabaho niya. Mawawalan narin ako ng karapatang mahalin siya dahil hindi naman talaga ako ang nauna.

Laging umiiyak si Jho dahil gulong gulo na siya kung anong gagawin niya pag dumating na 'yung fiancé niya at alam kong ako ang may kasalanan ng lahat. Lahat ng paghihirap at pagtataksil na ginagawa niya kay Nico ngayon.

Nung una, wala akong pakielam. Who cares if I'm having a relationship with someone who's already commited? Who cares if I'm ruining someone's relationship? I always win at everything. I'm pretty confident that time because I know that Jho will choose me at the end.

But the time passed by, she still didn't know what to do. I unintentionally read Nico's message for Jho saying he'll be back after two days. At that moment, I feel like I have to rush things. I have to make her dream date happen. I have to make her happy. I have to make her feel that I love her so much and I would give everything that I could give and I would do anything that I could do, just to make her happy 'cause I think, I have a short period of time left and I don't want to waste any just a single seconds than I'm with her.

But I've realized, I did that because I want her to choose me. Choosing between us is the only way to stop this mistakes. It's the only way for us to be free. To love each other without any hesitations. Without hurting somebody else.

But I'm hurt and worried at the same time. She still haven't telling me what she was gonna do after she read Nico's message. It's like she's letting things to happen while I'm drowning with my thoughts everyday, thinking if choosing me was in her option. I have left with no confirmation, that's why I feel like I'm giving up, I'm losing hope.

But the thought of not wanting to lose her is the only thing that keeps me from holding on.
Since it's our last night here in Cebu, I want to talk to her. I want to know her thoughts and the decisions that she have to make.

"Sobrang lalim naman ng iniisip." bumalik ako sa katinuan ng mapagtantong gising na pala si Jhoana.

"Did you sleep well?" pilit na ngiti kong tanong.

"Yes, what time is it?"

"Quarter to 7."

"OMG! Bakit hindi mo'ko ginising?" agad siyang bumangon at tumakbo papunta sa cr.

"Bakit, anong meron?"

"Pupunta tayo sa Night Market, diba? Nakalimutan mo na ba?" sagot niya at sumilip ng saglit.

Sa dami ng iniisip ko, nawala na nga sa isipan ko. "Sorry, I forgot."

"How can you forget about that? Pinag-uusapan lang natin kanina 'yun ah."

"Jho, we have to talk." tumayo ako at huminga ng malalim saka pinuntahan siya da may cr kung nasa'n siya.

"Seryoso ba 'yan? 'Pag 'di pa tayo nakaalis ngayon, baka kinabukasan na tayo maka-uwi."

"This is serious, Jho."

Natigilan naman siya at napaharap sa'kin ng may pagtataka. "Sige. Tara sa couch." sinundan ko siya pa-upo at muling humugot ng malalim na paghinga.

Kinakabahan ako kasi baka makapag bitaw ako ng salitang makakasira sa'ming dalawa.

"Kapag dumating si Nico, ano ng mangyayari sa'tin?" deretsa kong tanong sakaniya.

Halatang nabigla siya sa tanong ko at hindi siya nakasagot agad. Nabalutan ng katahimikan ang bawat sulok ng silid pero nanatili parin akong nakatikom dahil gusto ko siyang mag-isip ng mabuti dahil hindi magiging biro to para sa'ming dalawa.

"I-," agad akong tumingin sakaniya, hinihintay ang magiging sagot niya. "I don't know." napatakip siya ng mukha. "I'm sorry, I don't know."

Para akong nadagdagan ng panibagong bato sa bigat ng nararamdaman ko ngayon. Tama nga ako, hindi niya parin alam kung anong gagawin niya. That means, she never thought of choosing me.

"It's okay, Jho." lumapit ako sakaniya at niyakap siya.

Humiwalay ako para matignan siya ng mabuti sa mata. Hinawakan ko ang magkabilang pisngi niya at pinunasan ang mga luhang nagsisibagsakan sa mga mata niya.

"You know that I love you so much, diba?" tumango siya. "I know that you're confused 'cause I dragged you into a really hard situation,"

"No, no, you didn't dragged me into this. Everything that is happening between us, ginusto ko 'yun and no one is to blame, Bea. Hindi ko lang talaga alam kung anong dapat kong gawin ngayon kasi mahirap at sobrang gulo but believe me, I'm trying. Sinusubukan kong maayos 'to." hinawakan niya ang palad ko mula sa pisngi niya at hinalikan ito.

"I'll tell you something. This will definitely help this whole situation, Jho."

"Ano 'yun?"

"You have to choose between us. I know that you've already thought about this so don't ever tell me that you still doesn't know who to choose. Jho, sino?" hinawakan ko ng mahigpit ang mga kamay niya. "Sa sitwasyon nating 'to, may masasaktan at masasaktan talaga kaya kailangan mong mamili ngayon na."

Tumutulo na naman ang mga luha niya, pailing -iling siya kaya nagtaka ako. Hindi niya ba naiintindihan na ito lang talaga ang paraan para makawala sa hirap ng pinagdaraanan namin ngayon.

"It's not that easy, Bea--"

"Bakit hindi madali, Jho? Kung alam mo kung sino ang mas matimbang sa'ming dalawa, alam mo na agad kung sino ang pipiliin mo!" halatang nabigla siya nang mapagtaasan ko siya ng boses. "Look, I'm sorry."

"It's fine, I know you're frustrated right now but I can't really choose between you two and I'm sorry."

"Jho--" Napatayo ako ng tumakbo siya palabas ng kwarto.

Napahilamos ako ng mukha. I should have not talk to her. Mas lalo ko lang pinagulo ang lahat. Malakas na nag vibrate ang phone ni Jho at agad kong tinignan kung ano 'yun.

Text message from Nico.

10PM arrival ko dyan sa Cebu. Jema texted me your address narin. See you, Hon. I love you.

"Fuck!" napamura ako at agad na lumabas ng kwarto para hanapin si Jho.

8:30 in the evening na. Kaunti nalang ang natitira kong oras para makasama pa siya. Tumakbo ako ng mabilis sa buong makakaya ko para lang mahanap agad si Jho.

"JHOOO!" sigaw ko nang makarating na'ko sa may sand beach. "JHO! I'M SORRY!" wala na'kong pake kung naririnig ako ng ibang tao. Ang gusto ko lang ay mahanap ko siya bago dumating si Nico.

Nangingilid na ang mga luha sa mga mata ko. I still can't believe I have to let go the girl that I love. She's the first one to admire me, to love me genuinely, to accept whatever past that I had been through. Ang unfair. Bakit siya pa ang kailangan mawala sa'kin. Bakit kung sino pa 'yung pakiramdam kong tama, 'yun pa 'yung naging mali.

"JHO PLEASE COMEBACK!" Sigaw kong muli.

Natigilan ako ng biglang may yumakap sa likod ko. "I'm here, Love. I'm sorry I had to leave you earlier. I'm sorry I can't tell who I wanted to choose. I'm sorry 'cause I can't risk my love for you. I'm too coward and can't think things clearly but believe me, I love you. I really do. Ayokong bitawan kita so please Beatriz. Give me some time to make my own decisions. Wait for me to walk my way back to you. But again I'm sorry, 'cause it can't really be now."