♡ 𝐸𝓂𝑜𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃𝓈 ➳ 𝑀𝓊𝓁𝓉𝒾𝒻𝒶𝓃𝒹𝑜𝓂 𝒪𝒯𝒫 𝒪𝓃𝑒𝓈𝒽𝑜𝓉𝓈 ♡

mending ourselves /fourtris/

Every day I miss her. Every day, she's not where I expect her to be, and everywhere I don't expect her.

But I see her. I see her in the stones in the chasm. I see her in the glint of the sun on the tracks. And most of all, I see her in the ordinary acts of bravery every day. 

I have a new theory. Bravery and selflessness aren't that different. But neither are bravery and kindness, bravery and intelligence, or bravery and honesty.

I still want to be everything. Selfless and kind and honest and smart and brave. There are no more factions, at least not in the official sense. Most stay where they used to live. Do what they used to do. Old habits die hard.

For a while, I pulled back. Stayed in bed, got up, plodded through my day, and then met her in my dreams. But it was Christina who pulled me out of it. She told me something that I needed to hear.

"Be the person she would be proud of."

A lot of people think that we're together, Christina and I. We aren't. We kissed once, at the chasm, but instantly I felt wrong. It just wasn't right. And I realized that I didn't want to fall in love again. Christina was more than okay with that. Some, like my mother, say I should move on, get a new girlfriend. But the kind of love we had does not wash away in the water of time.

It was not the kind of love you move on from.

Caleb, oddly enough, has been almost as supportive as Christina. He's still a nose, but I see glimpses of her inside of him. Bits of light shining through the cracks in our hearts. He misses her almost as much as I do.

My fear landscape has changed again. I'm no longer afraid of losing her. I've already lost her, and I can't be afraid of something happening if it happened already. Instead, she's there in a different way. I'm afraid of forgetting her. Afraid of her fading away. 

I'm afraid to move on. Afraid to be mended.

I do not want to be mended. If I mend myself, I will lose the part of myself attatched to her. If I mend my heart, I'll have to take back the part she took. And I'll have to give back the part I took from her.

Maybe it is better to be real, and broken, than fixed and fake.

Each faction has a way to cope with grief. Or at least they should. The Abnegation supress it, and forget it. I will not do that. I do not want to forget her. The Candor talk about it, discuss it, acknowledge what happened. I am not ready to do that. Maybe I will never be. The Erudite use logic. She is gone, they would say, and she is not coming back. I could never be that cold. The Amity find support in their loved ones. I suppose I am doing that, in the limited way I can. And the Dauntless chase it away. I chase it until I reach the end of the hallway, but it is waiting for me there.

I realize now, that we don't mend each other, at least not at first. First we mend ourselves. We need to find the missing pieces inside of us before we can share them with others. And that takes weeks, months, even years. A lifetime of mending. I will never be whole, probably. I will always be broken. But there is beauty in the brokenness, and pain in being complete. A lifetime of mending.

Of mending ourselves.

Kay so I editied it to fit with WCBM, but I don't think Tobias and Christina are right for each other, also I don't think that Tobias will realistically move on from Tris. Death and breakups are two different scenarios. Tobias can be happy and mended without another relationship.