I Can't Own You? (BOOK 1)

56 (NEW)

The red car trails a long road. I hate that my stomach is dropping into a pit. The reservation is mostly empty, aside from a few citizens performing Okichitaw, an indigenous martial arts form. Using short Gunstock Warclubs, a staff. A few teachings go on near the entrance, the trainees hold the staffs, striking only to be easily disarmed by the instructors. I know this fighting style because Naka taught me a little before ending the lessons due to my complaining. Even though the thought is funny, I don't laugh. My emotions are scorching. I feel so unpredictable.

I drive the car further down a rocky trail, nearing a lake baring two cabins. My hand yanks out the keys, my feet step out.

The lake runs fast with the crisp morning air; the trees wither their leaves. I approach the first cabin, knowing that the people within it are asleep. I don't care. I knock five times, feeling my hair brush my neck as the wind blows. I hear floorboards creak for a few seconds; no unlocking sound comes since this area is of family. The door opens to a crack.

Waynoka's sleepy eyes land on me, fed up in a slant. "Chris, what are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to Naka, this is important," I state, not asking at all.

"He's still asleep."

"Could you wake him up?"

Waynoka lets her tone go to a cold place, matching her eyes. "He has work in a few, birdie had a long night dancing, he needs rest."

I stare at the lake, watching light ripples circle in it. I should push her aside and go shake him awake...or relax and let him rest. I take a calming inhale. "I'll wait then, please let him know I'm here, thank you." I walk off to the lake before she could say anything. I pace the sidewalks around the water, letting the action kill time.

I step alongside the lake, letting out breaths that match its swaying water; slow and steady. My ears listen to the surrounding nature. My footsteps create a soothing beat on the ground; my nose takes in the scent of the lake. I stare over the green lands which glow with early sun. This place is what heaven should look like. My mind picks at the details, watching grass move, branches wobble, and the sunrise dance in unison.

A serene daze consumes me.

I remember the second time I visited these lands-after my parent's anniversary. The two decided to pay respect to Nakamo's beautiful instrumental and to tour the lands, which were open to the public.

Now that I think back, my mom had planned the meeting out, knowing I was eyeing him on that special night-a goddamn matchmaker. Mama even left us alone together, coming up with a stupid excuse that she left something in the car.

Naka wasn't shy but I was beyond that. I stammered and blabbered, trying to praise his musical talent, and failing to complete a sentence correctly.

"Good morning, Chris."

I break from the memory and face Naka, who wears an orange and white quilt draped over his body. A star pattern marks the cloth. His eyes are sluggish. Waynoka was right about him needing rest...too late to change that now. I don't greet him, nor smile. This is probably the most urgent I've ever been. "Why didn't you tell me about her?" I cross my arms and wait, my stubbornness returning.

"I didn't know how...without hurting you."

"I'm not made of glass. I've been hurt before; I'll walk it off. You can't hide something like this from a friend. If I was getting married, I'd tell you instantly. You know this!" My tone goes high.

"I know..." Naka's eyes go grief-stricken. "My reason for marrying her will make you hate me."

"How?!"

Naka holds his breath, the quilt around him blows in the wind, but he doesn't respond to the chill. "We talked about my ancestors before, about the wish of our race to live on for generations. There aren't many..." He fixes his eyes on me, uneasily. "There aren't many same-sex couples continuing the native bloodline."

I laugh harshly. "It's the 21st century! I thought natives accepted modernization. The Two-Spirit Powwow...celebrates natives who identify against tradition?"

"That doesn't mean every tribe accepts the lifestyle. There are hundreds in the U.S.; only a handful have legalized same-sex lifestyles." He corrects, his tone irksome.

"Well, there's no doubt that those against it are boomers set in their ways."

He frowns profoundly. "Ancestors...who are scared of how their kind will go extinct before any other race."

"Okay extreme boomers who need to realize that there are millions of natives...and whose beliefs are outdated and in need of change. You had to agree with this since we were together." I feel my chest numb...my heartbeat disappear to undetectable. My head runs with lines of tingles, like water under my skin. "Hold on...you're bringing up ancestors and disapproval...and you sound-" My shaky words disappear.

"This is why I didn't want to tell you," Nakamo huffs.

"Do you regret me?"

Naka face sinks with a...self pity? A loathing? But there's confidence behind it too...strange.

"No." He replies in a non convincing manner.

I bite the inside of my jaw and bounce on the heels of my shoes in frustration. "I don't believe you."

"I don't regret us." Nakamo takes a grip on my forearm with his warm hand. "I changed for the peace of mind of preserving my race and reaching the afterlife in good spirit, you had nothing to do with it."

"Sound like I do...people only change their lifestyle when something is unacceptable or unhealthy...which am I? Stop putting it off on a bunch of dead people and population? When it's about choosing a different side."

"Don't be disrespectful!" Naka attacks. "The ancestors aren't just dead people; they're my past and legacy; they're guiders to a rightful resting place."

"Your life is about you...not those from the past." I shove his hand off of my arm. "I can't believe how much you're changing just to please other people! It makes no sense!!"

"I just explained why..." He throws his head back in frustration. "But you don't listen; life isn't full of easy choices. Don't stand here and judge my decision as if it's a fucking mistake! I hoped you would understand...some friend you are."

His words crawl under my skin, I backfire, matching his anger. "I never said it was a mistake that's your own thinking. You're caught in a mix...you aren't sure if this is right. Marrying a girl only because it feels honorable...not because you desire her."

Naka bares his teeth. "Don't speak as if I don't care about her...you left, so of course you think she's nothing. If you stayed instead of running to New York, things wouldn't be this complicated."

"How am I the reason?!" I lash out, throwing my hands in the air.

He makes to respond to my question; his mouth prepare words only to end on tight lips. A shamefulness wipes over Naka, a spitefulness, a fear. He slowly walks off to the cabin, his shoulders high around his neck.