love me till I'm me again - loki odinson

one foot in front of the other

This will be the last chapter of this book!

Thank you to everyone who's been here since the beginning. I had a lot of fun writing this and I'm going to miss writing it, but I believe I've reached the point where it's better to end things here than to keep drawing it out. (This fic was originally supposed to end a while ago, but I got carried away so here we are.)

If you want more of my writings, check out my other Loki fanfic! I have a brotherly Loki and Thor one-shots where most of the chapters are, well, kind of like this book, not the plot but the angst! But there're also some fluff stories as well. Oh and my still-up-and-going Loki and Peter Parker fic where Peter found him dying next to the dumpster at the back of his school, decided to save him, and they developed this kind of weirdest friendship.

Anyway, thank you again. I love you guys

///

"I think I failed as a brother," Thor blurted out. Maybe it was pathetic to say such thing in front of Hela, but he couldn't bring himself to care. Not anymore. Dignity was one of the many things Thor had lost along the way. He tilted his head backward and emptied his beer, placing the glass down on the table with a loud thud.

Hela had been... silence. Her sitting across from him with her legs up on the table, her arms crossed over her chest with her dead, murderous eyes boring hole through his soul and that slight smirk tugging at the corner of her lips was intimidating to say the least. Thor couldn't predict what was going on in that head of hers, and he didn't think he really wanted to know.

Loki was having a hard time establishing trust with Thor. Thor was having a harder time holding himself back from punching the wall and, as a result, getting Loki scared of him, when Loki cried for the Grandmaster at nights. It was pure torture for both of them and, most of the times it happened, Thor would end up leaving Loki alone in the ward as he rushed outside for some air, trying to cool down his burning anger.

As surprising as it was, Hela helped. Thor had a strong belief she would drive her sword through his heart, if he were to bring up the fact she did help, was helping, and thank her. So he pretended never to notice the multiple occasions she calmed Loki down, when he was having a panic attack, and lulled him to sleep. At first he suspected she wanted something from Loki, from them, but the longer it lasted, the less it seemed she actually wanted anything. At all.

He couldn't help but wonder what would've been, if father didn't banish her and he and Loki got a chance to grow up with a sister. He couldn't help but wonder if all of this would ever happen, if Loki would even die on Statesman with Hela on their side.

Thor's train of thoughts was cut short when doctor Stephen Strange barged in through the door. He's been treating Loki and, by the urgent look on his face, Thor knew something was happening.

"You both need to go see your brother right now," said the doc.

~~~

When Thor rushed in Loki's ward, he either expected Loki to lie dead on the bed or something... something worse. Loki was standing, his back facing Thor, and Thor could see his shoulders rose slightly. Was he crying? Uneasiness crept down Thor's spine. He gulped and the sound of it echoed through the silence hanging heavily in the air.

"Loki?" Thor spoke. Stephen wouldn't tell him what was the matter, the only thing the doctor said was that he needed to go see him. So here Thor was.

He heard footsteps approached, Hela and Stephen. They stayed there, just at the doorway. So it was just Thor and Loki in the ward.

Slowly, Loki turned around. He was crying. Not hysterical but silent tears were rolling down his pale, still-bruised-up face.

"Thor?" Loki's voice was hoarse (almost like he's been screaming for the last hour) and it forced something that sounded awfully lot like a sob out of Thor's throat. Loki hadn't called him that. Never called him that in so long since... since the Grandmaster fucked up his head.

"Loki," Thor tried to keep his voice as steady as he could. Maybe Loki calling his name was simply because that's what Thor's been telling him for weeks since they returned to Earth.

"I..." Loki looked away. Then back at Thor again, "I remember,"

"You... what?" Thor was at a loss for words. His own voice now barely audible.

"I remember," Loki said again. Loud and clear. Louder than Thor had ever heard him speak in his life of late. "Whatever he... whatever the Grandmaster did to me, it... I suppose it worn off," Thor noticed when Loki flinched at the name, like it still haunted him (it sure did, and would probably continue to do so for eternity) though that wasn't what Thor cared about right now.

"You... you do remember?"

Loki nodded. And suddenly he seemed so fragile and small. Then it was like the mask he put on became too much, for he started choking on his sobs that abruptly emerged from his lips. Like he's been holding them back these whole time, and now he finally couldn't take it anymore.

Thor wasn't thinking at all when he crossed the room, grabbed him and pulled him in a tight embrace. Loki's legs gave out and Thor carefully guided him down to the ground with him, letting him cry on his chest. Loki was trembling and Thor wished with strong passion he could do more than just stroking his hair and whispered a rhythmic shhh in his ear. For a moment, Thor hated himself for ever considering wishing Loki didn't remember - for wishing he didn't remember what that lunatic did to him. Now it all came crashing in Loki's head, and Thor could only imagine how painful it must be for his brother to have to remember those things again.

"I'm right here," Thor said, rocking Loki back and forth in his lap. "He can't hurt you anymore. Do you hear me? Please believe me this one time, he can never hurt you again, I promise you that,"

"He made me forget," Loki spoke through the midst of his sobbing which seemed like a struggle. "He - he made me forget about you,"

"Hush. It's okay. It's over now," Thor kissed the top of his head. "I know it's a lot, but it's over now,"

Or is it? A part of Thor wondered. It had to be.

~~~

Thor and Hela took their younger brother back to Norway where Thor decided the environment here was better for Loki to recover than for him to be in the middle of the city that never slept, for he still flinched away at any loud noise, any chaos that seemed to occur daily. Here it was quiet, here it was just trees, green grass, the skies and the ocean. Here it was peaceful.

They (Thor, Loki, Hela and Fenris) found themselves standing in safe distance at the edge of the cliff where Odin had breathed his last breath. Thor had his hand around Loki's shoulders while Hela had her arms crossed over her chest as usual. They didn't even know what they were doing here outside the house, but here they were.

Because right now, it felt nice: warm breeze caressing their bodies and, up ahead, the sun above the horizon was shining on them all.

Thor couldn't help the soft smile tugging at his lips. He squeezed Loki's shoulder lightly, and when Loki looked at him, he said, "you did tell me the sun would shine on us again,"

Loki smiled, softly but sincere and heartfelt. He smiled.