love me till I'm me again - loki odinson

hide my head, i wanna drown my sorrow

I know I know. Y'all hate me for all these trauma I'm putting Loki through. It's just... the thing I do. I have issues. But if you're still here after all the nonsense in this fic then an award for you! Are we still hope for things to eventually get better? We'll see (;

Also, it's probably safe to note that, for the sake of the plot, any medical reference used in this chapter is not based on reality.

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Thor wasn't certain he ever got Loki back to begin with. Strapped down, once again, to the bed was a broken man with his brother's face. He wasn't sure how much of a 'Thor's brother' was left inside the damaged shell. If there was still a part of Thor's brother left at all.

The Grandmaster was no longer a problem, or so Hela assured. When Thor asked what she did, she casually said she tricked him and trapped him in the same pit Odin used to cage her (the irony was, indeed, heard) And if what she said was true, for Thor knew better than to trust the Goddess of Death wholeheartedly, if the Grandmaster was out of their lives for good, it still did not give Thor the relief it should be giving. Thor couldn't savor any relief or joy from the situation. How could he when he was watching Loki slowly fading away and Thor hadn't the faintest idea how to help. Thor always tended to react poorly to being helpless.

Someone's hand placed on his shoulder from behind, and Thor quickly wiped away the tears with the back of his hand, hoping he was fast enough to keep his emotions (weakness, in Thor's belief) hidden. He was distracted, that much was clear. Normally, no one was able to sneak up on him.

"You should rest," said Steve. Hand still on Thor's shoulder, eyes on a sleeping Loki as they stood outside the ward, watching through the glass panels. "He'll be fine,"

Will he though? Thor thought savagely, bitterly. Stephen Strange had said Loki would heal. His injuries would heal. But would he ever going to be fine? Thor remained quiet. He knew if he were to speak one word, he would end up screaming.

"Come on, buddy. You've been standing here for hours,"

"I will not leave Loki," finally, Thor did speak. His voice low and hoarse. His eyes never on Steve, always glued to the beaten Trickster. I left him too many times already, Thor's thoughts traveled back to Svartalfheim; him leaving Loki there on the ground as Loki bled out. Then to Sakaar; him walking away as Loki writhed on the floor with the obedience disk on his back, doing its job. Thor's own work. Then it occurred to Thor with horrible realization that he was the one who always left Loki behind, while Loki was the one who always struggled to keep up with him, ever since they were children. All those times Thor rejected Loki's question, to spend time with him, to be with Warriors Three and Sif while Loki was abandoned. Forgotten. Thor was that shitty a brother that it took him this long to see his own crime. No, he wasn't going to walk away. Not anymore. He could only hope it wasn't too late to make amends.

"I can watch over him for you. I'll inform if he wakes up," Steve offered after a long moment of awkward silence. The second he took his eyes off Loki to glance at Thor side way, he thought he'd made a mistake by pushing too far, judged by the look on Thor's face. He expected Thor to start yelling at him or worse, but Thor just took in a deep breath and repeated himself, "I will not leave Loki," and that, Steve knew, was that. Thor didn't leave any room for further discussion on the matter.

"If you want me to keep you company-"

"I appreciate your well intention, Captain. But I'd rather be alone with my brother," Thor cut Steve off. He didn't look at him once - in which Steve didn't hold it against him.

Steve opened his mouth, then closed it. Natasha did warn him about Thor being... unstable. Now was probably a good time to use her advice. He gave Thor's shoulder a light pat with a faint, "I'm sorry," when he departed Thor was alone with Loki. Just how he preferred.

~~~

Thor did leave Loki, eventually, but it was to discuss with Stephen about Loki's future treatment that required Stephen showing him various scan results in the lab. Tony's lab, to be exact. This time they didn't take him to the hospital for fear of what a cornered Loki would do, could do, if he were to lash out in a place full of unarmed civilians. Here in the Avengers compound, they could, quoted Tony's words, monitor him better. It took Tony, Bruce and Stephen insisting Loki would be receiving the same treatment he would receive in a hospital, if not better, being here to get Thor to agree against taking him to one after he and Hela brought him back to Earth.

(Talking about Hela - Thor didn't see her much after coming back. He would be lying to himself, if he were to say he wasn't worried about her going out there for a murdering spree. Yet he told his friends she wouldn't cause any problem. It was a lie that they believed, for they trusted him. If Hela were to do anything. If she were to kill an innocent - Thor tried to cope with the anxiety by trying to avoid thinking about it at all. He already had enough on his mind that it was driving him insane)

"Did you find out what caused Loki's amnesia?" Thor asked at last after Stephen had shown and explained to him a great number of things he learned, after thoroughly examining Loki, in which Thor did not understand a single word he said.

Stephen handed him another result in which Thor assumed was a head CT scan one. Thor looked at it and still didn't have a clue what he was looking at.

(He may be able to possess the All-Tongue and the knowledge of many, many things around the Nine Realms, but there was a limit to said knowledge.)

Seconds later Stephen began the explanation, "you see that little spot over there," he pointed at the photo in Thor's hand, "it's not supposed to be - there. That's what worried me. The damage, matches the puncture wound on his temple, seems to be what affected his memories. It explains why he doesn't recognize you,"

"Can you fix it?" Thor didn't try to hide how desperate he was.

Stephen looked unsure of what to say, just for a short moment, then he recovered himself, "medically speaking only? It's unlikely. Not impossible,"

"But..." Thor trailed off, because he could hear it; that but lurking on Stephen's tongue, too afraid to come out.

Stephen sighed heavily. He took the result from Thor's hand and tossed it to the table so carelessly as if it was nothing more important than a McDonald's bill. He began, "They call me a wizard, Thor. I know if there's magic involved, when I see it. Especially ancient magic. Dark magic,"

Thor's eyebrows drew together as Stephen continued, "what worried me the most is that this man you call Grandmaster may has done some nasty spell on your brother that can't be treated with medical,"

"But - but you're a wizard. You know magic. You can help him with your magic, right? Undo what that lunatic has done,"

"I'm afraid it's not that easy,"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean we're talking about dark, ancient magic that woven tight, deep in your brother's psyche. A magic that no other soul in the universe, except the Grandmaster, is familiar with,"

"I don't care. Just help him," Thor's voice raised.

"Listen," Stephen paused for a breath, "I can try to unravel what has been done to him, but chances are I'm going to do more harm than good blindly messing with something dangerous. And if things go south, it's Loki's life on the line,"

Thor blinked. He seemed... taken aback. "So... that's it?" His voice cracked, "there's nothing you can do. He's not going to remember me or any of the thing we've been through. For Norns' sake he thinks I kidnapped him, took him away from the Grandmaster!" Thor pressed his lips shut when he realized he was yelling, losing his temper. Though Stephen didn't take offense, it seemed. "I'm sorry," Thor said after cooling himself down as much as he could.  

"No," said Stephen. " I'm sorry. Truly. I wish I could be more of help,"

To that Thor didn't respond because he didn't know how. Though in his head he was agreeing with the wizard, I wish you could be more of help, too.

But again, wasn't it Thor's own fault that Loki had to endure this endless suffering in the first place?