time and time again | kth (discontinued)

1

I closed the front door behind me. "What, exactly, are you trying to say, Maia?"

"I read some articles," she said. I noticed that she was crossing her arms. Turning her feet away. Closing herself off. "And they said that...you should have chemistry with your partner. You should be feeling some sort of excitement when you're with them. And I just don't feel anything particularly exciting when I'm with you."

"Exciting." I couldn't stop a hint of bitterness from clouding my voice. "Just because our relationship has a supposed lack of chemistry doesn't mean that it's doomed."

"Well, maybe you feel something towards me, but I'm pretty sure I don't," she retorted. "And yes, a lack of two-sided chemistry really does affect the relationship. But I'm your first partner, so you wouldn't know that."

I knew she was speaking the truth about my love life, but it stung anyway, like squeezing a pimple—you knew it was coming, but it hurt nonetheless. "You're forgetting that conflict management is an essential part of any relationship. You can't just break up with me over one small thing. Aren't we supposed to try to work it out together?"

"It won't work!" said Maia, her voice rising. "It's not one small thing. Chemistry, or lack thereof, can make or break a relationship. I like you, Taehyung, okay? I like your personality. I love how you always find the good in people. I love how you put other people's needs before your own, even if I tell you that that's not good for you, because it shows how much you care for people. I love you, but I can't love you the way you want me to."

Something swelled up in me, bitter and sweet at the same time, two conflicting emotions pulling at me, trying to sway me towards their side. I tried to speak, but nothing came out of my mouth. Nothing could have come out of my mouth, not when she'd just hit me with the L-word. Not when she'd just revealed her true feelings towards me.

"If you really love me," I said quietly, "why are you so willing to give up on our relationship?"

Maia shut her eyes. Her face betrayed no emotion, but I could sense the thoughts running rampant through her head. Finally, she said, "Did I say I was giving up on our relationship?"

"Well, yes—"

"I'm not!" she shouted. And then softer, "I mean—I want to be friends with you. Just like we've been for the past, what? Six years? I don't want to destroy everything we've built since sixth grade. I can't let myself stay with someone just because I don't want to hurt their feelings. I'm not like that. It would only hurt both of us in the end."

"Maia," I said. But she cut me off again.

"Don't try to get me back. I've made it clear—it's not a relationship unless it's two-sided. If you say any more, I might be tempted to want you back. And I can't let that happen." She swallowed, looking at my front door. It remained, thankfully, closed. Truth be told, I would not have known what to do if any one of my parents had opened it. "Anyway. If it pains you to see me, I'll leave you alone. And when you're ready to talk to me again, you can text me or something. I won't block your number. I promise." She tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear as her gaze softened. "I'll see you."

And I watched as my girlfriend, now ex-girlfriend, turned and ran off of my porch.

~

Everything, I realized, reminded me of her. Now that she was gone, I could notice the presence of her in my room, as if she had just been here. It was surprising how much our relationship had taken over my life, how much it had infused itself into every nook, every corner of it. There seemed to not be anywhere that Maia hadn't touched, hadn't left a trace of herself in.

I removed the photos of her from the frames that sat on my dresser. My hand hovered over the trash can, but then I quickly withdrew it. Maia would most likely be angry if she noticed the absence of those pictures, so I threw them in a drawer instead.

A few feet away, my phone buzzed with a notification. The last thing I wanted to do was socialize, but I picked it up anyway, out of habit.

Maia had texted me. I'm sorry.

I didn't reply. She didn't deserve it, not anymore. To be honest, Maia didn't deserve a place on my phone, either.

I opened my camera roll, swiping through the photos of us, and a pang of longing shot through me again as the photos came into view. Maia smiled up at me from homecoming pictures, eighth-grade graduation pictures, all the way back to our first bad selfie, taken in sixth grade. Seeing her face only intensified the pain, her memory sharpening the dull ache that I'd been fighting to subdue. I missed it. I missed what we'd had, that easy friendship that had deepened over time, giving way to a bond that could have, should have been lifelong. And for the first time since the breakup, I allowed myself to think the forbidden: I wish I'd never fallen in love with you.

Before I could reconsider, I deleted each and every photo.

Sighing, I put the phone down and turned to the stack of homework on my desk, just as the device vibrated again--another text from her. I hope you're doing alright. I'm sorry. Truly.

I wanted to say it's okay. I wanted to hug her, tell her I missed her. But I couldn't. It was like she'd opened a fresh wound in me—she knew I wasn't alright. And yet...

I shut my eyes and deleted our conversation. I couldn't accept her apology. Not today.

a/n: this is p short but it's ok bc i'm probably gonna go back and edit it later lol

anyway i finally published something after like 6 months of virtual inactivity! Tbh i started working on this in november but school took up a lot of my time and also i spent a lot of november and december straight up thinking about this book and working out all the kinks ahahah

(edit: if you're reading this, follow my twitter, my username is seungsgalaxy thank you :D)