For Draco (on hold)

Madison

I’ve started counting down to the Christmas hols. It’s quite pathetic actually, considering it’s just now the beginning of October. I can’t help it. I check in on Faith every single day but I’m afraid she’ll forget me. These are crucial months I’m missing.

She’s going to be learning to walk soon and I’d really like to be the one to teach her. I’d like that so much. If I just had a little bit more money, I’d be able to move them here.

It’s just not fair to my mom. Her whole life is in the States; to be honest, mine is too. Jack’s parents still keep in touch, but they don’t know what I do. I’ve only been able to tell them bits and pieces of my job. I couldn’t rip Faith away from them.

It’s such a horrible position to be in: I know I want and need to be with my daughter as she grows. I need to be able to strengthen our relationship and do the best thing for us. At the same time, my mother has lived out her entire life in the United States of America. That’s where her friends are. Jack’s parents have a right to see their granddaughter.

It’s all just too much. I’m on the couch after classes Tuesday evening and I’m completely zoning out. I cannot possibly handle this struggle in my mind right now. I was crying earlier, but now my head is just throbbing in empty pain.

I feel hollow without him; without my support system, soothing me, telling me it’s going to be okay. When I first met Jack, I couldn’t stand him and the feeling was mutual. There’s a cliché saying that goes, ‘When I first met you I had no idea how important you’d be to me.’ With Jack, that was most certainly true.

Yet here I am today, alone and broken. I’d give anything to have that companionship back, but at what cost? If I in any way could manage the money to get my mother and Faith set up here, it would only harm them.

I’m being selfish right now, I know. This week is a particularly bad one just because I’m feeling so alone. In passing I catch snippets of my students discussing their parents and in the Great Hall I watch them receive their care packages.

I want to hold my daughter. Every mother longs for that right. I spend the majority of my time thinking about my Faith, wondering what and how she’s doing. I miss her smile, her giggle, and her tiny baby hands. I miss singing her lullabies and rocking her to sleep.

I lay myself down on the couch, my open blouse exposing my neck to the breeze from the window and my jeans seeming to melt to the plush material. I drift off to sleep, missing dinnertime completely.

When I awake, it’s dark in my room. The sun has set and there’s a chill in my room that I do not fancy. I pull myself off of the couch groggily to light the fire and a lamp on my end table. I stare into the flames for a moment before they turn green.

“Oh no,” I groan, momentarily thinking about my appearance as Draco Malfoy’s head comes into view. His smile ignites butterflies in my stomach and I think I’m going to be sick.

“Madison, how are you?” He asks, a hint of concern coloring his tone as he takes in my pained expression.

“Well, I was asleep. I just…” it takes me a moment to decide whether or not I’m going to accept this behavior from him. I’m tempted to, but I can’t. “Mr. Malfoy, we talked about this.” I said firmly, buttoning the top of my blouse.

He pouts before replying.

“Back to ‘Mr. Malfoy’, are we? Madison, I want you to know I’ve never felt this way before. This is not how a Malfoy acts. But you--” he says, taking a deep breath. During that momentary pause of him I decide to put him out of my misery.

“I’m not up for human interaction. I’d like to get to know you Dra-- Mr. Malfoy, really I would. However, it’s just not proper and I’m just not good.” I winced at the way that came out of my mouth. I’m not good? How do I explain to this exquisite and caring man that my heart is still broken?