See You Bleed | ✓

XX

1 year ago

Another year is passing.

It's one of those days again. I look at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, scowling. A shell of a girl I once used to be. Nothing behind those glossy blue eyes. No spark. No life.

I stopped thinking about him every day. I even stopped trying to reach out to him a very long time ago. But there are days when I can't control my mind and force it to shut him off.

There are days when I crumble all over again, when I want to fucking disappear and never come back.

People say unhappy memories are as important as happy ones, because they make us stronger, they make us the person we are today.

But what if I'm the worst version of myself because of all these memories? Does it still make me stronger?

I wish I could somehow wipe all these memories off my mind. It would have made it so much easier to cope with this shitty life. But I'm not that lucky.

My gaze is blurry. I don't remember how many glasses of alcohol I've had. I'm smoking a cigarette and going through my phone.

Maximilian. I've been looking at his number for several minutes now. It's been three long years since I've last messaged him.

My hands are trembling. I must be out of my bloody mind. I'm too drunk to type out an intelligible sentence so I decide to leave a voice message instead. It can't hurt, can it? I need to do this for my own peace of mind, I decide in the end.

"H-Hey Max..." I start with my voice wobbly, "It's me... Well you probably forgot about me already and it's probably a dumb idea to leave you a message," I start nervously laughing even though I want to do nothing but cry.

"You know," I continue after a long pause, "you're the only person who's ever gotten what I'm about. Sometimes I miss you so much that I can hardly fucking stand it."

I don't realise right away that I started crying, until it becomes so unbearable that I choke on my own sobs. I end the voice message and throw my phone on the table.

It hurts so damn much, I cover my mouth to muffle the scream that's begging to come out.

Will it ever be okay?