Borderline

Thirteen

   "She's new to the unit, I don't think you two have met yet." Just as Lily finished my roommate walked in.

   "Abigail!" I shouted. Abigail dropped her book and ran over to hug me. "You finally made it here!"

   "Yeah," she says, "not too thrilled but it's better than that awful hospital room. What are you doing here?"

   "I got moved into a double room temporarily because I'm a safety hazard basically."

   "Well be glad you're rooming with me and not someone you hate or something. I promise I'm a good roommate." She walked back over to her book and picked it up. She smiled at me and winked, "We're going to get through this together don't worry." Then she walked out, clutching her book with both hands. I plopped down on my bed on top of all my clothes and groaned.

   "Lily, what am I going to do?" No response. "Lily?" Still nothing. Finally I sat up and realized she wasn't in the room with me. I walked out and found her sitting at a table alone. "Aren't you supposed to be stalking me?"

   "Oh you're only on one to one 6pm-6am now." I looked at her, startled. 

   "Um, since when?"

   "Since after your meeting, they didn't tell you?" 

   "No..." I started to fidget anxiously. I wiped my sweaty hands on my jeans. "Thanks for telling me." I then walked off and went back into my room to put some things away.

  A few hours later I was going through my clothes I came across some of the razors I had stolen earlier that month. I stopped in my tracks. I didn't expect to see them, I thought staff had gotten rid of all of them. I shoved them in with my socks and left my room. It's now or never, I thought to myself. I walked around the unit until I saw Abigail, she was deep into a book. Good, I have time. I walked up to Mia and asked if I could have some towels for a shower. She grabbed me some, I thanked her and walked off. I made a beeline to my room and shut the door behind me. I stood in front of my sock drawer for a good 10 minutes before opening it. Eventually I grabbed a razor and retreated to the bathroom. I shut the door behind me and turned the shower on. I set all the towels on the ground and sat on them. I stretched out my left leg and started looking around to see where I could do the most damage. For a second I doubted what I was doing and almost left the bathroom. I immediately shook that off and continued in my self destruction. I decided in my lower thigh/ above knee area. I pressed down, swipe, I gasped. I went deeper than I expected to, but nevertheless I continued. The entire time I held my breath, afraid that if I left it out it might be a scream. Swipe. Blood started squirting out of my leg. "Fuck. Shit. What the fuck?" I dropped the razor and it fell into the toilet. "Shit." I said under my breath. I took one of the towels and applied pressure to my leg. The bleeding was really heavy and soon the entire towel was soaked. "Oh no, fuck." I tried to stand up and I immediately clutched the counter to keep from passing out. I crumbled down onto the floor and just kept cursing to myself while tears  flowed from my eyes. Then a knock on the door.

   "Hey, Margo are you in there?" It was Abigail. I tried to answer but nothing really came out. She couldn't come in though because I locked the door. Wait. No. I didn't. "Margo?" She opened the door and froze when she saw me on the ground. "Margo! Oh god, Margo, are you okay?"

   "Yeah...yeah I'm fine."

   "Apply pressure, I'm going to get help."

   "No don't, I don't really feel that well."

    "What do you feel like?"

   "Like I'm going to pass out." My head felt heavy and the world began to spin.

   "Please don't hate me for this."

   "For what?"

   "For this," she turned her head towards the door, "SOMEBODY HELP. SOMEBODY HELP IN HERE!" Then I blacked out.

***

   I woke up in what looked like a hospital room, oh wait it was a hospital room. I was in a gown. "Look who's awake." I looked towards the noise and saw Briar sitting next to me once again. I sat up slightly and noticed an IV in my arm. "You lost a lot of blood. You had to get a transfusion, now you're getting fluids." 

   "Oh," was all I could say.

   "Margo you cut an artery in your leg. If Abigail wouldn't have found you you could have bled out. Is that what you wanted?"

   "No it's-"

   "Were you trying to die, Margo?"

   "No I wasn-"

   "Then why do you keep doing this to yourself?" I didn't answer her because, well I didn't have one.