DEEP INSIDE || J.JK × Reader ✔

chapter 21 | Hurtful words

"What questions?" I scan his behavior, noticing all his little habits that never left him. "About us...when we were together...especially when we were having sex...I keep on thinking that you must not ever have felt anything when I was holding your hand, hugging you or giving you some kisses...but this is worse when I think about all the times that I was doing it with you and felt so special and good with you...I feel so much shame..."

"You shouldn't feel that way at all Jaemin. I always loved being with you and I still do, I was mad at you and I admit it but now this is in the past...this is over and I have to get over it because I know who you are and what kind of person you've always been. I made mistakes in my life as well...everyone does...but you should stop hurting yourself with this. I don't even think about it anymore," I reassure him as efficiently as I can, not being the type of person able to comfort someone or find the good words. I'm the most resentful person ever but this time, this is different, this is Jaemin and I know him for years. I know who he is. "And I told you...I never faked anything with you. You know that I would never have done this and pretend to love something if I didn't, I want you to stop concerning yourself about the relationship we had, this was sincere for me and I was always enjoying everything with you."

"But you never felt anything more than 'friend love'...?" his eyes meet mine with anguish, the truth now hard to pronounce given his state of mind. "This wasn't just friend love...but...after what happened to me I just didn't want to fall in love again..."

"But you did with Jungkook..." his voice cracks through the sadness his body must not be able to handle any longer. "Is it because I'm not physically good...? Or I'm not attractive like him...? I feel like I wasn't enough for you but you're not telling me in fear of hurting me...I'm really sorry if I wasn't able to satisfy you whether sexually or affectionately..."

"Jaemin..." a sigh escapes from me all naturally, my eyes averting his for a short moment. "You always made me feel totally satisfied no matter what. It's just that...we were best friends for so long and...then that thing...it all began with just comfort and sex...I didn't want to love a man after what the bastard did to me in the past, even if you had nothing to do with him and that I knew you were a good person, you've always played it a bit flirty so I couldn't...and Jungkook...this is different with him...I just felt it the first day I met him and I was feeling good with you so I didn't have that jerk on my mind anymore...I don't know...I couldn't control my feelings but this had nothing to do with your body or face because we both know you're perfect..."

"You're the only girl who never made fun of me or made me feel even more insecure about my body...I know that I will never be able to find someone like you..." he continues in his desperation, his positive thoughts no longer there. "Don't say that...I'm nothing...I know you'll find someone better who will not hurt you like I did..."

He shakes his head and lowers his head to cry. "I never told you but...our first time...this was my first time ever having sex...that's why I felt so nervous with you...I was so worried about how you were feeling that I could not even enjoy it to the full..."

/ FLASHBACK \

"Y—Y/n..." he whispers my name against my lips, kissing me and fondling my body on his bed. I'm entirely undressed while he hasn't taken his underwear off yet. "What's wrong...? You don't want to?"

"I do but...uhm..." he stares down at my lips, the darkness of the room a bit broken by the dim lamp he switched on. He bites his bottom lip and pulls the blanket a bit up our bodies. "I can see something is wrong Jaemin...tell me," I drift my hands down to his waist and attempt to put him at ease.