Don't Know

15

I need some music to blast away my ears right now. Like NOW. I just need it now.

I don't think I can survive this one minute longer without some music to escape reality. But it has to be the loud one. The music that almost hurts in the ears.

Where you don't hear anything else and wonder whether the person next to you can hear it through your earphones.

But I can't access music right now. I'm at a family dinner. I'm not allowed to take out my phone. Or even putting in earphones.

I think I may escape to the toilet right now. I'll hear one song. One ear destroying loud song. Just one.

But I'm not brave enough to stand up and leave the table.
They'll ask where I go.
They'll pay attention to me.
Maybe one of them needs to go to the toilet too.
Maybe I have to take one of the little kids with me.
Then I won't be able to hear a song.
Then I'll just be disappointed that I tried.
Maybe I'm not allowed to leave because the food is coming soon.

God the food isn't even here yet. I want to leave. I need loud like LOUD music to leave this for a little time. If it would just end. Just for now. Just so I can hear one fucking song.

I went to the toilet. No one looked at me when I got up. I cried in the toilet while listening to the music. I couldn't stand up after one song.

I heard 5. Then my playlists was over. I still sat there for some time. I don't know how long. But eventually I got up. When I arrived at the table I put on my smile I always wear and that always works. One asked me where I've been. I said on the toilet.

But I was in another reality. I was in the nothing. I got a pause from this. Now I want a pause again. I can't hold that smile for much longer. I want to break down right now. I need some music to blast away my ears right now.