Mind of a Christian

Anxiety and Depression 04 - Depresso Round 2

Howdy fellas.

So, the depresso (TM) is back for round two, and it's hitting about as hard as it was in the first half of my time with it. It's really hard to get out of bed, and today when I came back to my apartment from campus, I just kinda slumped back in bed for an hour or so, and just felt like my soul was perpetually sinking. I think that's a good description of how it feels to not want to get up.

I've kinda felt lost in my Bible reading after I finished my first complete read-through. Yeah, I re-read Jeremiah and finished it, and that's what got me back on my feet, but the last days of that reading were more of a chore than a yearning for God's word.

So, I felt pretty burnt out. In life in general, but also in reading scripture. I had little energy or motivation throughout the day even though I was getting 6+ hours of sleep every night. To pass the time, and just feel a little better, I binged on YouTube videos and video games.

But you and I know that those two can't carry me through depression. The word of God will carry me through depression. God will carry me through depression. Because apart from Him, I can do nothing.

It's weird though - what if you feel burnt out in your relationship with God? That complicates things a little bit, doesn't it? I don't know the solution to that, and that's probably because there's no one-size-fits-all answer to that issue.

But anyway, God managed to bring me back again. To feel whole, instead of feeling like an empty, used up husk.

And so I've [re]learned a few things that I know will help me get through this current rough season:

I.

Tribulations. They suck. Depression sucks. And I feel like God's out to get me - not because He's bad, but because I'm bad, and this is what I get for all of my big mess ups in the past. Now, I know that God does discipline us and reprove us when we sin, but I've started to see it as if God hates me and is fed up with me, and that He's left me out to dry and fend for myself in this cruel world. I felt separated and alone.

But that's not true. Acts 14 says that "'Through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God.'" And so, I can point to my life right now and say, "See? I am a child of God, destined to enter the kingdom, and I have these [metaphoric] marks to prove it."

Does that mean that everyone who suffers goes to heaven? No. But, I'm reminded that yes, every Christian will go through suffering, and that's supposed to happen, and since it's happening to me now, it's one of many confirmations that something must be going right. I'm not getting my joy now, because the joy now is temporary and fleeting, and God is saving it up for me in the eternal kingdom where things last forever.

II.

Tribulations is also a sign that God is working something good in me. Romans 5 is telling me that it's through this new chapter of depression that God will teach me and remind me of His love, and make me grow to be more steadfast and hopeful in Him. He's showing me how to handle this properly. I carries me when I am weak, and He builds me up so that the strength that I have and use, I get from Him.

III.

God also understands what I'm going through. This feels like one of those phrases or ideas that you hear so often as a Christian, that it loses its luster. But, that doesn't mean that it had become less true. I heard a new take on this that made me realize, yeah, God really does understand the pain in my life:

Jesus had experienced suffering ever since His birth. During His time, His birth was really controversial because everyone thought that He was an illegitimate son. When the people in John 8:39 say to Jesus, "Abraham is our father," I wouldn't be surprised if there was an element of derision pointed at Jesus because of the seemingly illegitimate birth. For investing in people and healing them, Jesus was scolded by priests for being a drunkard, a glutton, and one with sinners. Being the perfect, innocent Man, having no fault in Him, He was accused of going against Caesar, and they actually went through with the charges and executed Him, Roman style.

So yeah, Jesus knows what it feels like to suffer. And so, it's not lost on Him when I go through my depression. He understands.

And He wants to deliver me. Psalm 30 shows that He promises to revive us and bring us into gladness. Sorrow will not have the final word. Psalm 40 tells me to wait patiently for the LORD, and He will deliver me without fail. In Psalm 50, God very explicitly invites - commands - us to call upon Him in the day of trouble, and He will rescue us and we will honor Him.

He's sure that He can do it. He's the only one who can do it. He's encouraging me to lean on Him. He's done it before, He will do it again, and again, without fail, without uncertainty. Because He greatly loves me and you, fellow child of God.

QED.

I think that with these things in mind, we can understand what James meant when he wrote, "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials". Joy here on Earth isn't going to be the pure, zero-worries, fluffy joy that I kinda with I had now. It will feel great, but it's fleeting, and there will be times when I will absolutely hate my life, and there will be times where I have to double down and fight for my joy.

But, in the thick of it all, we can rejoice in our tribulations because:

1) it shows that God is with us, and we with Him.

2) Therefore, God will sustain us and strengthen us and always love us.

We're not alone. We're not unloved.

...

I just did some thinking and chatting with God, right before fleshing out this chapter.

A good chunk of my depression stems from my disdain in myself. I feel insecure and start assuming that my friends despise me, and that I should just leave them and save them the trouble of putting up with me. I can't imagine or really take to heart that people would love me, because I don't love myself. It's been an ongoing problem that I'm still working on.

So when I reflect on why I despise myself, I list out all of the faults that I've done, and how I've done my friends wrong and how I've just been falling short. I see the damage that I've caused, and brand myself with it. "You did this".

But then, God asked me to forgive myself, and He showed me that I can do that, because He has truly done it. He forgives my mistakes, so that I can let go of them. He presents me clean, and properly loved. And He has done it, does it now, and will continue to do it.

This thought's still a seed within me, but I know that what God starts, He will finish.

Here's to brighter days.