blissful | jatum

10.

[jonah]
i felt bad for leaving early but svea has robotics and i had to pick her up. i saw her walk out. usually she looked happier but she looked upset.
"hi svea"
i leaned to the backseat to air hug her but instead she looked down.
"not now jo"
i pulled my hand away. i glanced at the clock. i was 10 minutes late.
"svea-"
"please jonah."
she only called me jonah when she was serious or sad.
"i was at the library i'm really sorry i'm late" i said with a sigh.
she took a deep breathe as she looked from her shoes to the window. a drop of rain forming two droplets trickled down her window. she wanted to be alone.
"i'm sorry"
she put on her seatbelt.
"it's ok jo don't be sorry for putting yourself first"
but that was the problem. i didn't want to be first. i didn't want to worry about me. i wanted to worry about her. svea only has me. only me. no one else does shit for her happiness.
you're such an ass jonah.
i drove home as it rained. svea didn't talk to me. i didn't expect her to. robotics stresses her out like crazy and not being there for her afterward made me feel like a terrible brother.
you can't do shit jonah.
i was about to pull up into the driveway when i heard her sniffle. it hurt to turn around to look at her.
"svea?"
"w-what?"
i stopped the car and got out of the car.
"jo?"
"jo d-don't leave m-me"
i opened the back door of the car.
"i'm never going to leave you"
she curled up in my arms and started crying.
"shh it's ok it's o-ok" i stuttered.
"i lost jo" she cried.
"what?"
"we lost. we lost the competition"
her competition was today too.
"svea i'm so so sorry i didn't come"
"it's o-ok" she said pulling her hand and wiping her tears from her face.
"no i should've been there."
"jo stop feeling guilty"
pools of light tears started to form in my eyes.
"i'm sorry. i'm sorry." i repeated through cracks of tears.
"no please don't apologize"
but i want to. i wanted to. i wanted to have another chance. i never got another one of those. i needed another chance. another chance to become a better brother. ever since we were both left with our dad he did nothing but drink and treat us like shit. back then i had esther to care for me. i was in svea's spot. and now i was in esthers and she's in mine.
"promise me something?"
"promise what?"
she wiped my tears off my face playing with the ring on my finger.
"learn to know it's ok. it's ok for you to not always be here for me. i can handle myself"
"but i want to always be there for you"
"you don't need to jo. i don't want you to feel like you do"
another tear slid down my cheek as she smiled.
"but dad" i replied.
she rolled her eyes.
"it's going to be ok. its going to get better."
"when?"
she held my hand.
"when you graduate"
i looked at her.
"i'm not leaving you"
"you have to"
"no i'm not"
"jonah-"
"i'm not leaving you!" i said rather roughly.
"esther did! why can't you?"
"because esther trusted me to keep you happy!"
i buried my face in my hands.
"you kept your promise"
"no i didn't svea"
"yes you did you keep me happy"
"then why want me to leave?"
she put herself in my lap.
"because i want you to be happy too"
"i am happy" i started
"no you're not. you worry so much about me you forget about yourself"
"...i can't leave you" i replied softly.
"i'm going to be ok"
"you say that but it's not true" i mumbled.
"...just worry about yourself right now ok?"
i hesitated but nodded.
"...ok"
"jonah?"
"mhm?"
"i love you"
i kissed her forehead.
"i love you too"