blissful | jatum

4.

[jonah]
you're probably asking yourself: jonah, what's a guy like you asking out a girl that you've never even interacted with? i just wanted to prove daniel that i could ask her out. yeah real dick move i know tate's right. i mean yeah maybe she'd say no, which i'd expect obviously from the fit i threw in the hallway. pretty shitty of me but whatever. i got up early today because i wanted to one: shower because svea could tell i smelled like weed and alcohol drinks which had been spilled on me. two: i wanted to spend some time with her and drop her off. now your probably thinking why i do all of this. it's because of my dad. of course i'm thankful for having him as a parent. it's just growing older makes it tough because i'm constantly getting yelled at pressurized and pushed around. i didn't want that. and every time he yelled at svea, my heart would break a little. because i remember the day esther left to college. i told her not to leave me. but she did.

"jonah please take care of her"

"you know i can't protect her forever"

"i can't stay here forever either"

i didn't blame her for leaving. if i was in her shoes i would too. which is why i'm scared. i'm scared for the end of the year. i'm scared i'm going to leave svea all by herself with one there for her that actually shows her love. i'm all she's got for now and i wanted to keep her safe. keep her happy. make her feel loved. after i showered it was 5:30 am when my alarm went off for school. i'm usually always late to school because i spend a good hour with svea before i leave everyday just to keep her smiling atleast.
"morning svea"
she rubbed her eyes pulling the covers over her head.
"jojo leave me alone"
"come on we got to get up"
"you have to get up i don't"
i rolled my eyes as i picked her up.
"put me down" she whined.
i laughed at her reaction.
"come on please? for me?"
she smiled as she kissed my cheek walking to the bathroom to get ready. my dad wasn't awake so the house was quiet as svea and i went outside to walk sawyer.
"jonah?"
"yeah?"
"why do you always wake up early for me?"
my heart sank.
"...because i love you"
i meant it. i meant every bit of that.
"i love you too...but you know i'll be ok right?"
"what do you mean?"
she sighed looking up at me.
"i know you miss them"
i looked away.
"jonah i know your hurting"
what killed me more was she knew about it.
"look i don't want you to worry about me"
"but i'm going to ok? you said you love me and that's why i care about you and how you feel. don't hide it from me. i hate seeing you sad"
"i'm not hiding it from you i'm hiding it from dad"
she stopped for a second to look me in the eyes.
"...what do you mean?"
"nothing"
"jonah..." she tugged my sleeve.
"jonah don't ignore me"
"svea i don't want to talk about mom and esther"
i could feel my voice break.
"i can't. i just can't"
"jonah..."
she let her arms out as i knelt down.
"it's going to be ok"
"i know"
i lied at that point. svea looked at her watch.
"go"
"no" i groaned.
"go before dad gets mad"
i hesitated and walked back to the house.
"do you promise me you'll be ok?"
she smiled and nodded.
"i'll be ok"
"i love you, you know that right?"
"i love you too jonah don't forget that"