All I Ever Knew Was Your Name [Nick Robinson]

FORTY TWO

lights up by harry styles

It's November when things really change.

Daylight is limited. Nights feel like they last forever. Sleep can't come fast enough. It's so cold that Penny and I have agreed to turn the heat on. The first snowfall happened last week, and it hasn't left the ground since.

Nick comes around less.

I'm sure if we asked, he'd say that it's nothing personal. He'd probably say that he's busy and trying to spend as much time with us as he can. But we all know where he is. We know he's with his two new therapy friends, Jackson and Sadie, who none of us have met before.

I can't say I blame him. I'm not sure I would want to hang out with my ex and another couple in my ex's apartment.

Still, it hurts. Everything does, anyways.

On the night before Thanksgiving, I'm scheduled to close the diner. Penny isn't scheduled, but she still hangs out with me as I close up since she says she doesn't have anything else to do.

Owen must be busy.

She pops her pink bubblegum between her teeth, wrapping her blue hair around her index and middle fingers while she reads an issue of Us Weekly left by one of the customers. I think it's the September issue, but Penny doesn't care.

"What if I dyed my hair purple?" she asks me, spinning back and forth on the ugly red leather barstool. "You think it would look cute?"

I'm halfway through my stack of menus, cleaning them off with a Lysol wipe before putting them beneath the counter. It's alarming how filthy they can get.

"I'd have to see it, but I think I'd love it," I shrug, not bothering to look up at her.

"Like a lilac! Not purple-purple," she squints her pretty brown eyes at me.

"Yeah, I think it would look great, Pen," I nod encouragingly, a half smile finding its way to my lips. It feels foreign.

I sense her watching me sadly.

It's a look I often receive from Owen. If I'm not getting it from him, she's there to replace him. They look at me as if they feel so sorry for me, like they think I'm damaged or about to fall to pieces. They look at me this way so often that I'm just used to it.

I wish they'd either speak up and tell me why they're doing it, or stop altogether.

As usual, I bite my tongue and ignore it. There's no use in fighting.

"Tomorrow should be nice, huh?" Penny says, continuing to flip through the waxy pages.

Small talk, I scoff.

"Yeah, I guess so," I shrug my shoulders again. "I can stop at the store on the way home tonight for any last minute stuff."

"Sure," she nods unenthusiastically.

I shake my head, the tension between us slowly growing more and more tangible. It's evident that we're growing apart. We can blame it on the fact that her and Owen are always together or the fact that she's "busy" or we can lie and say we're starting to hate each other, but none of it's true. Not at all.

The fact of the matter is that I'm miserable. I'm lost, I'm drowning. I'm sinking everyday, unable to claw my way out of this dark hole that only consumes me by the second. I'm careless as every ounce of my life continues to crumble around me.

I don't care, and Penny's noticing. Owen, too.

"Let's go out after you're done," her gentle voice suggests.