All I Ever Knew Was Your Name [Nick Robinson]

THIRTY FOUR

leave by post malone

The days after are a blur.

I feel like I'm barely functioning half the time. My brain is moving in slow motion and my body runs on autopilot. Even after his explanation, I'm still mad at Nick. I'm mad that he didn't tell us where he was, but I'm so happy he's safe.

Although it's masked with anger, I couldn't be happier that he's alive. I could jump out of my skin with pure excitement knowing the love of my life has been safe this whole time. I feel like everything looks colorful and happy and wonderful again as opposed to the hues of gray I've been seeing for the last two years.

But I'm still trying to process it all.

How could he do this to me?

Everyone needs to be patient with me, and they have been. I haven't been bombarded with Nick's presence like I expected to be. Owen has been with him a lot, but he doesn't bring him to our apartment again.

He's processing this a lot differently. Owen is letting Nick stay at his house until more is figured out. He's spending every available moment with Nick as if to cram two years of missed time into their lives. I know they talk a lot about things that happened while he was gone. I know they talk about me.

Owen doesn't tell me, but I overhear him talking to Penny one Friday evening through the thin walls that separate or rooms. The thin walls where I can always hear them.

"He doesn't understand why she doesn't want to see him," he says in a whispered tone.

"Is he stupid? Does he not comprehend what he did to her? To you?" Penny fires back.

I hug my pillow tighter.

I miss him so much, I think to myself. I miss him, but I'm so mad at him. I'm so angry that he let us believe he was gone. But I still miss him more than anything in the world. I'm so happy he's alive.

"He does. He gets it. He knows he hurt her and lost her trust, but he keeps telling me he's going crazy without her. He wants nothing more than to just see her," he explains.

I feel Penny shrugging. I just know her. "Well, maybe he should have thought about that before going off to fucking Maine without telling her."

"I know."

I close my eyes tight.

At least he was safe there. At least Greg wasn't there to hurt him. At least he was somewhat happy. At least he was somewhat living a normal life.

"I just wish she'd give him a chance. I know she's trying to sort it all out in her head, and I know she needs time. It's a lot to take in," he sighs. "I wish there was a way to get them alone to hash things out."

"Owen, I am not setting the poor thing up like that! I'm not going to lock them in a room together like children until they figure this out. It's not that simple," Penny defends.

Poor thing. I've heard that term said about me all too often.

I climb out of bed so that their audible voices are now just muffled noises in the room over. The light pink carpet slides between my toes as I try to sneakily walk towards their room, hopeful that they won't hear me.

I get closer to the door, hearing Penny say: "Just fuckin' ask her, Owen!"

Swallowing hard, I open up their bedroom door until I see both of their heads perk up like little does in a field when a car goes by.

They're sitting across from each other with their hands tangled in one another's, and for the first time, I'm jealous. I'm jealous they have this trust and bond and love for each other, and I don't have it with anyone anymore.