it's so lonely here

That Girl

Emma's POV
I couldnt control the bouncing of my legs as I sat impatiently next to Auna. Group therapy was about to start and I wanted to vomit. My stomach churned at the sight of all the girls surrounding me. We're we all going to sit and dispel our deepest darkest secrets to each other? Would they have to know why I was here or what I went through? I mean the odds of them judging me were low, cause let's face it, we all must be pretty fucked if we're sitting in group therapy at a treatment home. I slowed my breathing and tried to calm myself down. The last thing I wanted was to have a panic attack in front of everyone. A middle aged woman walked in and I guessed that she was the therapist. She sat down in a chair next to the fireplace and took out a thick notebook and a pen. She took a sip of her coffee, cleared her throat, and scanned the room. A small smile appeared on her face and she began to talk. "Hello ladies, welcome to another group therapy session, it looks like we have a new friend with us today. Can everyone say hello to Emma." I sunk deeper into the couch as all eyes were on me. I quietly said hello in return as everyone shifted their focus back to the woman. "For our new friend Emma, who would like to give a run down of what group therapy is like," she asked searching the room for a participant. A frail looking girl across from me raised her hand and started to explain, "basically during group Hailey (the therapist) gives us a situation or issue and we collaboratively come up with different coping skills to overcome that issue. We also discuss highs and lows for the week as well as any conflicts that have occurred, whether that's in the home or from our outside family and friends." "Thank you Lilly," Hailey responded, "that being said, today we are going to discuss how to cope with negative family members..."
The rest of group therapy was fine. I didn't have to talk much more than the hello and the topic they were discussing today didn't pertain to my situation so I was feeling okay. As I was getting up to leave Hailey called me over to her. I wrapped my arms in my sweatshirt and walked over to where she was sitting. "Hi Emma," she sweetly said as she looked up at me, "could we meet in my office for a moment, I have a few things I want to discuss with you." I nodded slowly as we headed towards the other end of the home where the offices were located. "Please, take a seat," she said as she motioned towards a leather chair opposite of her desk. "So how are you doing?" She asked as she got situated in her chair. "Uh, okay," I sighed, looking around the room at the photos and plaques hanging the walls. "Yeah?" She questioned, trying to make eye contact with me. I focused back on her and nodded. "Well, that's good to hear. But Emma I want you to know you can be honest with me and tell me anything. That'll help you further your recovery process." I nodded again in agreement. "So, I got a call from Ethan today," she said as she looked down at her notebook. "Oh?" I said, confused as to why he would call since I hadn't even been here a full day yet. "He informed me that the trial for your case is happening in a month... and your lawyer wants you to testify." It felt like my soul had left my body. Next month? So soon? I was terrified. It wasn't that I was scared of seeing Logan, the last time I saw him I basically demanded that he let me in his house so I could scream at him, but I was scared of telling my story. The fear of confirming what happened, going into detail about it, and reliving that night in front of all those people was overwhelming. "They need me?" I asked looking back to Hailey, "don't they have enough evidence? I mean, there's a fucking video. Do they not believe it happened?" "No no no, it's not that," Hailey assured me, "having you there and telling your story would help the judge and jury understand how horrific that night was and how it has continued to impact you. It will help them give a better idea on how to sentence him. I think it may help you as well." "You do?" I asked, confused on how that could possibly help me. "I do," she confirmed, "I think it would be good closure for you. It may help you let go of all the emotions wound up in that night and separate yourself from the trauma. Now, I think the fist step is to do some intense therapy these next few weeks and then reevaluate before the trial. The decision is yours, though, remember that." I tried to process all that was coming at me but I felt like my brain was mush. "I, uhh, I think I need to think some more time," I said as Hailey gave me an understanding smile. "Sounds good. Well our first session will be tomorrow morning so rest up and I'll see you at nine." I thanked her and went up to my room and plopped down on my bed. I must of fallen asleep because I suddenly woke up to Auna shaking me. "Huh? What is it?" I said half dazed. "It's time for dinner and if you want you can sit by me," Auna said with a smile. "Okay, thanks!" I responded as I rubbed my eyes. We headed down to the dining room and the aroma of chicken alfredo filled the air. "Ahh pasta!!" Auna giggled as she grabbed my arm and pulled me through the hallway. We sat down at a long table as pasta was dished out to us. It looked and smelled delicious and for a second I thought I had an appetite, something that I hadn't experienced in months. After the first few bites I could feel my stomach start to knot. My anxiety had always been an issue, but ever since Logan the stomach cramps and uneasiness that came with the anxiety got to an all time high, making it nearly impossible to eat. I stared at my plate as the familiar dark thoughts filled my head. I was frustrated. Here I was trying my hardest at a treatment center with a plate of delicious pasta in front of me and I couldn't even eat it. Pathetic. But if I was being honest I probably didn't need it. I'm such a fat pig. That's probably why I'm here, because I'm and ugly, greedy, disgusting monster. No wonder Ethan dropped me off here. He's better off. I snapped out of my thoughts when I heard my name. "Emma?" Auna said again. "Huh, uhh what?" I said confused. "This is Sarah," she said pointing to a blonde next to her. "Hi Sarah, I'm Emma," I  said giving her a small wave. "Like Emma Chamberlain?" Sarah excitedly asked. "Uh yeah," I awkwardly laughed. "I love your videos, you're really talented I can't believe you're he—" "Emma Chamberlain?" someone interrupted from across the room. "Yeah?" I said looking over. "Omg Emma Chamberlain? Like the Emma that fucked Logan Paul?" another girl added. "Wow saucy," another giggled.
"You're pretty lucky."
"I heard the video went viral."
"She's famous?!"
"Well that's not—-" I attempted to explain when another voice piped in. "Not fucked, she was raped." "Holy shit," said someone.
"That's enough ladies," a voice boomed from the doorway. It was the older woman from when I first arrived, and she looked angry. I could feel the tears burning up in my eyes as the room fell silent and everyone turned to look at me. My chest began to tighten as I glanced at everyone staring me. It felt like the walls were caving in and I needed to escape. This day had gone from okay to hell in a matter of seconds and that feeling of frustration boiled over in me. I hated me. I hated being seen and known for what happened that night. If only I wasn't such a dumb bitch and didn't take that drink I wouldn't be sitting here. I pushed my chair back and ran up to my bedroom with tears spilling over. It had been a measly eight hours and I already wanted to die. I entered my room and desperately searched for anything sharp. I had promised Ethan that I wouldn't hurt myself anymore but I couldn't take it. I had already let him down with all my issues, what was one more? Besides, it felt like my mind was going to explode and I needed a release. I threw apart my bag and closet, searching for anything but came up empty handed. Of course, they searched my fucking bag, why did I think they'd "forget" something. I panned across the room again and saw a faint rainbow glistening by the window. I went over and to my surprise I found a tiny shard of a mirror resting agains the window pane. I picked it up and sat on the edge of my bed as I began to drag the fragment across my arm. Over and over and over again. I watched as blood slowly began to bead up and flow out of the wounds. Relief washed over me and felt my mind begin to clear. I examined the area around me for a towel when I froze.
"Emma?"

AUTHORS NOTE:
Hello, glad to here that you guys want me to continue. If you have anything that you want me to add to the story or think about let me know!