Growing Up

Patty and Moving On 2018 - 2019

I was using Tinder again and I had met someone whilst I was with her, a friend, it meant only friendship at first, someone new to help me see the world differently, I needed to meet new people.

She was great very mature for her age, she had been through difficult times with her family, growing up and had a lot to teach me. She could see so much hope in my eyes, she told me, that I always tried to look for the positive in a bad situation.

But she didn't know the hurt that I'd been through, she knew I was still in a relationship but wanted to be my friend still. After I had ended the relationship with Nyssa, I made the mistake of hanging around Patty too much, now when I think of it, I feel as if I was jumping from ship to ship, always with someone, never had time to be alone and figure out who I actually was.

We had started to date a little over a month and a half before we started dating, it felt really good to have someone who was self made, who knew what she was doing, she made me feel so good about how I looked and who I am as a person.

We went on travels up north, went to new cafes to try the coffee and she would help my photography skills be better, showing me how to make them more presentable.

She did teach me a lot from that time, how to look after myself, be more proactive, do things in a different way, I'll always remember the lessons learnt from her.

Before we dated I laid ground rules about who I was as a person, I hung out with my previous' as they aren't my ex, for me ex means they are gone from my life, they weren't gone. It didn't mean I wanted to go back, it just means they would still and always add value to my life, I was hoping she would understand my mindset, but she couldn't, she couldn't accept that I hung out with my previous'. 

I tried many times to show her how I felt about her to put her mind at ease but she couldn't see it. I am the person who is there for people no matter who you are, Nia's birthday had come around and it was important that I came to her, I had promised a long time ago and didn't want to break it.

Work that day had really been tough, I was tired, but I told Patty I was still going to the birthday with my housemate Tatiana. She got so angry about this and told me I didn't have my priorities right, that if I was tired I should rest. But I'd rather give up my energy to be there for someone than rest, especially if it means the world that I was to be there for them.

She never let this go, it was a red flag but I ignored it. Through the relationship with Patty there were good times, but honestly the bad definitely outweighed the good. But not all by her part, I made some big mistakes too.

I still had some pictures of Nyssa that I just forgot to delete from my phone, when Patty started to distrust in my personality, she searched through my phone for all my messages, pictures, everything that would compromise me. 

But most of the things were in the past, before she even knew me, I had admitted I made the mistake of keeping pictures, but some of those memories, like Nyssa with my grandma, my parents, family, she made me delete them.

I still can't believe to this date how I succumbed to it, I had lost precious memories that someone forced me to get rid of.
At times when she was in a bad mood, she would bring up random names all of a sudden, "Seraphina?" She would say. I already knew this was the start of an argument.

I said, "How do you know that name?" She asked me if I had slept with her, if we were up to something, but the last time I had spoken or seen her was years prior. Seraphina and I had a very great friendship, she believed in me and loved me and I loved her, I'd do anything to help her. But it was never anything more than friendship.

I told Patty this, but she said from my messages to her, it was more, we used to leave hearts and kisses sometimes, but that was just how she spoke to me and I spoke to her, a message does not show you as a person, your real actions do.

I can't believe she went through my phone to messages that were years old and still made me feel so guilty about it. She even did it with my co worker Bidhya, she would harass me about how she was a stupid person, or that I wanted to be with her just because one time we ordered the same drink.

I enjoyed peoples company, I was a people person, but Patty brought the worst out in me, she had turned my once hopeful eyes, into something I couldn't see anymore, people started to see I wasn't me. 

My boss Jen, she knew she had corrupted my mind, she told me to break it off with her, I tried to remain positive, I said she was just stressed, I've given her reasons not to trust me. I need to find a way to help her see I'm a good person.

I couldn't accept people telling me to break it off, even Jon, Patty's best friend told me to hang in there, he never said break it off not once, he told me the ways I could show I wanted her and I tried with what little positivity I had left.

Patty, Jon, his partner and I went for dinner once, somehow the conversation of jealousy came up, Jon said he would be jealous if his partner went out with a guy friend. Patty looked at me and said "Not this one, no jealousy at all".

I honestly don't have time for jealousy in my life, I wasted so long being jealous in the past, I simply moved on from that, just because someone has something you don't, doesn't mean I need to be jealous. If my partner has guy friends, sure they can go hang out with them, it's not for me to decide your friends, unless they are damaging you, I will protect you.

I did say my reasons I wasn't jealous, but everyone disagreed with me on the table, they just didn't understand me as a person and I wasn't going to waste my time explaining as they didn't try to understand either.

We stayed together for just under a year, constantly arguing about little things, sometimes big, like I ruined her design once by washing it in the machine, I did apologise to her, but that's all I could do, I couldn't fix it. If I was a fashion designer I wouldn't be working in a cafe would I?
She was a person who wanted me to give her my all, but she couldn't accept me, why would I want to give her my all?

I wanted to be healthier and exercise whilst I was with her, I bought myself a bike to ride to work and go cycling. I went to the beach and rode up north, I kept cycling as I was having a great time, the weather was perfect. It felt amazing to cycle again.

The following time my brake wire came loose, I was rusty on how to fix it and it took me an hour to get it right. Patty had access to my location as I thought it showed trust at the time, so she could see I never lied about where I was or what I was doing. Wrong decision.

She text me what I was doing or who I was with, she got so aggressive about it, I was very sarcastic and sent a video of my surroundings that I was alone on my bike, I explained what happened but she refused to believe even with evidence, after that point, I never rode my bike again. I just let it sit there gaining dust.

I then tried to run with Steve (Nyssa's dad) I had missed his friendship and I knew he needed me, I felt like I wasn't there enough for him. I felt scared to go as what Patty was going to say, so I just stayed silent and never went. Til one day I broke down saying I felt alone and missed the people I was with before, she let me go run with him but I had to tell her where and when I was going.

Why on earth did I let myself be controlled like that for so long, I was so independent, then I let myself be controlled, I know I made mistakes, I felt as if I was just doing whatever it took to help her get over it, but I let myself become weak, angry and less of the hopeful person I once was.

I would get so angry at her and shout and argue with her, I hit the door once out of frustration, I knew I wouldn't physically hurt her ever. But somehow she brought back that anger I had years ago, I don't know why I honestly stayed with her for so long, or why she kept with me either.