Not Enough | Namgi

Chapter 24

Namjoon POV

"Come on, Yoongi. Get dressed. You have an appointment with a therapist soon that we need to get leaving for." I tell him two days later, leaning against the wall inside his room as I gaze down at the impossible elder. He rolls his eyes at this, the only movement that I actually get from him.

"Yoongi, get your ass up and get dressed. Otherwise, I will dress you myself and then carry your uncooperative ass out to the car. You're going to therapy whether you like it or not." I snap, my emotions and patience getting the best of me.

"What's the point?" Yoongi questions as he glares over at me. I know he's still angry at me for having gotten rid of all his drugs and all of the alcohol in the house, but I couldn't just leave it there for him to keep running back to when he gets pissed at us or anything else of the sort.

"Damn it, Yoongi! The point is that you have fucking people that give a damn about you and that want you to get better! The point is that those people are living here in this house with you and that you're killing them by doing this shit to yourself! The point is that we fucking brought you home instead of sending you to the other fucking location so that you couldn't let yourself waste away and so that you could get better with people that you know and that care about you around you! The fucking point is that none of us want to see you die! None of us want to fucking bury you!" I shout, tears forming and falling as I glare at him.

He just sighs at this though, returning his head to a neutral position so as to stare up at the ceiling above rather than looking over at me. I let out a sound that's more a mixture of a groan and a whine at his actions, shaking my head as I storm out of his room and slam the door shut behind me. I don't bother waiting to see if I'll gain any reaction from him, not having been aiming for it in the first place. Instead, I just walk down the hallway and to the living room so that I can try to cool off.

I didn't mean to let my emotions get the best of me. It's so unbelievably fucking hard to just stand or sit there, watching him lay there and trying to wither away. It's so hard to stand there and tell him that I love him just to hear him tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about and that it's impossible for me to feel that way towards him. It's fucking frustrating doing everything in my power to try and help him and support him and be there for him when he refuses to listen or try that hard. The last thing I want is to watch him be his own demise, but I have no idea what the hell I'm supposed to do to help him. I feel like I've tried fucking everything and nothing works with him.

I sigh to myself as I lean forward to rest my head in my hands, tugging lightly at my hair as I try to figure out what the hell I'm going to do. He needs to go to the therapist whether he wants it or not, but I have no idea how the hell I'm going to able to accomplish it at this point.

I'm caught mildly off guard when the couch suddenly sinks beside me, causing me to look over reluctantly to figure out who's bothering me at the moment. I'm surprised to find Yoongi sat there dressed though, head ducked.

"I'm sorry for being such a pain in the ass, Joonie." Yoongi mumbles in a small voice, shocking me as a tear runs down his nearly blank face. I sigh softly at his words though, pulling one hand away from myself to reach out to him, taking one of his hands in mine gently.

"You're not a pain, hyung. You're just... you're struggling right now and I'm having a hard time trying to figure out how to help you and support you with that." I tell him softly, not wanting him to beat himself up more than what he probably already does. He shakes his head at this as another tear falls, an almost panicked look in his eyes.

"I barely had a reason to get clean in high school and I still did it. There should be no excuses for why I can't do it again. I know I've been doing nothing but causing you and the others frustration and pain these last few days. I-I don't mean to do it, but it's hard. I know my mother would be disappointed in what I've become. I don't want to die or leave any of you. I'm scared of getting better though. I'm afraid that-that if I let myself get better, that it'll come back even worse the next time and that there won't be any stopping it. I don't wanna get better just to get worse, Joon." Yoongi explains in somewhat of a fearful voice as he stares at the coffee table in front of us.

My heart sinks and swells all at once from his words, grateful that he's at least finally beginning to let me in. Even if it's not much, it helps me to understand his snagging points, helps me understand what's possibly running through his head whenever he tries to argue.

"And what about whenever you're arguing that I don't feel something for you? What's holding you back from that?" I ask tenderly, hoping I'm not pushing my luck too much. His already lowered head falls even more at this though, staying silent for a moment.

"My mother was the only one who ever really loved me, Joon. I got treated even worse after she was gone. I'm afraid that if I let you in and let you love me, that I'll end up hurting you even worse or that I'll end up losing you like I did my mother. I'm not ready to be all alone and left completely defenseless again, and I'm afraid to take that risk."