Not Enough | Namgi

Chapter 14

Namjoon POV

I take a deep breath as I stare up at the ceiling for a moment, not ready to recount the things Yoongi had let me in on and trusted me with back when we had been trainees. I know I need to though, know it's time they learned the truth and fully understood just what exactly Yoongi's been through.

"Yoongi never really had it easy. From the moment he started school... for whatever reason, people found him to be an easy target. He got picked on a lot, to the point where his mother would have to go in to get things handled. It never stopped it, but it would ease things up on him for at least a few days, weeks sometimes. However, when he was six or seven years old... he and his mother had gotten into an accident. She was taking him home from a basketball game one night when a drunk driver swerved in front of them and hit them head on. His mother died on impact according to the officers that handled the accident.

"Things only got worse after that though, both at school and at home. The bullying got worse after the accident. With everyone knowing he no longer had his mother there to defend and protect him, they didn't go easy on him. He didn't get to go home and feel any better though. He'd only go home just to get neglected and ignored by his father and brother. For whatever reason, his brother blamed Yoongi for his mother's death, and nowadays blames him for losing their father in a sense as well. His father told him that he deserved to suffer and struggle after causing them to lose the woman they all loved. If he did speak to Yoongi, it was never anything good. His brother just grew to mentally abuse Yoongi whenever he'd be home, pushing him around and telling him how it's all his fault and how he deserved being treated the way he was. I think it was a few years after the accident when their father turned to alcohol and bringing random women home. His father was barely able to keep running the business they had owned long enough for Yoongi's brother to step in for it.

"It was around that time that his father began turning to vices to ease his own pain, that Yoongi got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. He was, I think, ten or eleven at the time when they diagnosed him. It was no surprise to him really. He had no friends at school, he didn't feel like he had much of a family at home, he got bullied and told it was his fault for losing both parents when his father isn't even dead. It certainly didn't lift his spirits any though. It just made it easier for him to get mixed into the wrong group when he got to high school.

"His first year of high school, some of the upperclassmen approached Yoongi. I'm not really sure how they got him to go along with them, but they kind of took him under their wing. I think they had him go hang out with them at one of the guys house. I guess one of them had been from a family that's pretty well off, and they had a piano. The guy who lived there had a brother a few years younger than Yoongi who knew how to play, and that's how he learned. The guy in the group did more of the producing and mixing, so he learned from him on that stuff as well. My guess is that's how they got him roped into being a part of their group.

"I think he found a safe place with the group of them, even though he knew what they were doing wasn't exactly right. I doubt it mattered to him at that point though. They provided him with a safe place, and I'm sure that's all it took for him to join in on the shit they were doing. The people had been a part of a drug dealing group though. They got product off on the side as long as margins were good, and they got Yoongi to join in on it with them. The guy would let him come over and learn about the piano and mixing and producing as long as Yoongi helped them. It was a pretty easy deal for Yoongi.

"It was halfway through his last year of school when one of the girls in the group overdosed though. It scared the shit out of him, and it's what made him get clean. He continued helping the group because he didn't really have a way out, but he quit the drugs and quit skipping classes. He started spending more time at home again after that as well, not that it did him any good. He barely recognized the man that's supposed to be his father. He kept going home anyways though, because he was afraid of losing another family member and not being there for it. He found solace in music though, and the family that Yoongi spent so much time with because of music encouraged him to audition.

"His depression came back full storm about a year and a half before we debuted though. He'd been doing really well with dealing with it and had learned how to live with it, and it scared the hell out of him when it hit stronger than what he'd been dealing with. He remembered how bad he had gotten back in high school and was afraid of falling back into that, afraid of letting himself fall and ending up the way the girl had. We were still roommates back then, and so he told me but made me promise not to tell anyone else. He didn't want to be judged, but felt that he had to tell someone so that he couldn't break so easily.

"Music has been his life since the beginning of high school, guys. He just kept losing when he was growing up, and it had been the one thing he gained. He came here and felt he gained a family. I can tell you all without an ounce of a doubt that he would've given his life, would've given up music and anything else if we asked him to. He's always been a really sensitive person, he never grew a thick skin despite the absurd amount of bullying he suffered through. I-I... His depression had to have come back hard again at some point in the last year, and all of the shit and pressure you've all been putting him through recently as only made things worse. He already gets texts and calls from his brother on a daily telling him how he doesn't belong in the industry, I don't know when that started up again but it's clearly been going on for some time. The added shit from practices though..." I pause, getting too choked up to speak for a moment. I scoff quietly to myself as I shake my head, tears falling like waterfalls as this point.

"The shit you guys have put him through and then for us to have missed his birthday... god it's no fucking wonder he overdosed." I choke out, finally forcing myself to look up at the others.