Surviving

CLICK

12th of October 2019
As I said I was under a lot of stress and every day in the morning I would check my bank balance and record it into an excel spreadsheet so it could predict if it would all disappear before my next lot of money would come in. While I was checking this I realised a program for my GIS module that I left running overnight had crashed and needed to work on it again all day and at that point Lucy woke up. She had a go at me for being on the computer and then Amelia woke up followed by Lucy telling me off for not feeding her as soon as she woke up and called me a bad dad and said that if I didn't do more for Amelia she was going to leave me.
This was too much. Leave me? I was the one doing everything and she refused to do anything even for her own daughter.
Thats when it happened. The click. I heard a click. I felt the click. Basically I sat up to get out of bed to go to Amelia and there was a CLICK that happened in the top of my neck just below the bump at the back of the skull on the left. It completely threw me and hurt like crazy. Felt like my head on the left hand side had exploded and someone had shoved a knife behind my right eye. I felt like I couldn't move and thats when the tinnitus started for the first time. When someone says oh tinnitus is ringing in the ears, imagine it happening for the first time and even when you can hear someone talking you can still hear it, you put your fingers in your ears you can still hear it and most importantly when you try and sleep you can still hear it. This all happened so fast and lasted half an hour but was so bad that even Lucy said for me to lay down and she looked after Amelia for the first time in awhile.

This was the day that it all started and went downhill. As I said it started for half an hour but that night the tinnitus came back and I struggled to sleep. Over the next few weeks I started to feel weak and the pains in my head got stronger and the "click" in my neck, that whole area started to hurt from head movement. I ended up in pain from looking at sunlight, clouds, bright lights and for some reason when it rained that caused me pain. I was in agony to the point I thought I was dying. I saw doctors multiple times and this eventually ended up with me having a brain scan in May. But till that scan I went downhill quickly leading to me basically not leaving my bed unless for Amelia at night as felt better at night. I had to drop out of uni because of my health and ended up barely sleeping and even when I could sleep Lucy would wake me up to complain about the fact I couldn't do anything.

I cant explain how bad it felt to not open your eyes because there was a trickle of sunlight in your room. I cant explain how bad the excruciating pain was just from simple smells like tomatoes, burnt toast or deodorant was. I also cant explain how hard it is to explain to someone you cant drive them or shouldn't drive as a doctor was told you not too due to your double vision but still being forced to as a whole house worth of people are refusing to get the food you can eat.
Lucy was not happy with the fact I couldn't do anything, to the point she refused to do my washing. So I tricked her. I mass ordered clothes online and didn't tell her they were coming so when these huge boxes arrived she brought them upstairs and put them next to me asking what they were in which I smiled and put them on the floor on my side of the bed so I could reach them even when I couldn't get up.

From the scan they found out that I was suffering with severe migraines which had many triggers and got told to remove all triggers from foods including red meat, dairy, egg, gluten, wheat, caffeine, fish etc, it was a very intensive list which put me on a very strict and restricted diet with my snacks being biscuits also being removed due to this diet. As expected this caused issues between me and Lucy as she saw it as just a headache and when I suffered with something I am not going into in detail called alice and wonderland syndrome on and off for two weeks I got no support. This started my depression and this is when the dark thoughts started to come in. I spoke to me doctor and he got a meeting booked for a specialist to talk to me from a place called health in mind. They put me onto a course called CBT but don't worry I wont be talking about that for much longer as this is where my life really starts to take a turn for the worst. If you think being basically bed bound for six months is the worst part of my life this is where I hit rock bottom.