Tash knew the old Pep was back, she knew that the upcoming days and weeks- or maybe even months- would be tough because Pep was back to being her cold and distant self. Pep stepped from in front of the nurse and left the room without another word, Tash looked towards the nurse and awkwardly smiled.
"Give her some time, it's really hard losing a parent." The nurse rested her hand on Tash's shoulder.
"I'll be there for her whether she wants me there or not." Tash forced her lips up into a smile trying her best to keep her tears back.
Tash took up Pep's blazer off the chair and looked back at her mother one last time, this wasn't how she wanted to remember her mother. She wanted to spend time with her, she wanted to get to know her so she could fully know and understand Pep and how she was. Tash met Pep out at the reception desk signing the consent forms, putting the final decision on pulling the plug. It took her three months to come to a conclusion and Tash was glad that she finally decided to let her go. The doctor had explained that life support was the only thing keeping her alive, keeping her heart beating and air in her lungs. Tash couldn't bear the sight of her mother looking like that, in the last three months Tash had gotten closer with her mother. They now talked every other day and kept each other updated on their lives.
They silently walked to the parking lot, both of them in their own minds. Tash didn't want to push it and Pep was feeling numb. The car ride was silent, saved by the sad playlist from Pep's phone. Her music playlist consisted mainly of unpopular bands, soca music and a lot of slow and deep music.
Pep didn't turn onto the driveway when they finally got home, she stopped the car by the curb and unlocked the doors.
"I'll be back soon." Pep said.
"Let me come with you." Tash offered.
With a loud irritated sigh Pep said, "no, I need to be by myself right now."
"I don't think you should be." Tash turned to face her and reached out to touch her hand on the steering wheel.
Pulling her hand away Pep looked over at Tash. "Don't make me repeat myself."
Tash squeezed her eyes shut trying to hold back the tears, she looked over at Pep once more before she pulled the door and put one foot out. "Please don't do anything stupid and don't get yourself killed." Pep didn't answer, she just stared through the windshield with her knuckles white against the steering wheel.
Stepping out of the car and closing the door behind her, Tash watched as Pep spun the car around and sped off down the dirt road leaving her in dust and stones splattering everywhere.
"Please, come back home." Tash rested her palm on her forehead. She felt as if she was ready to burst.
She needed to get her mind off Pep and her unknown plans and delirious mind. Tash knew there was one thing she could do that Pep would appreciate, so she decided to do what Pep does and bury herself in bookkeeping; managing their finances.
**
Let's talk mental health 🖤
Abandonment issues- the fear of abandonment (loss)
It is not classified as a mental illness but as a form of anxiety. Many of us knowingly and unknowingly show signs of abandonment issues- many of which stem from childhood.
Abandonment issues can cause you to react before the action because you want to have the final say, because you are afraid that the person might do the same thing.
A.I can cause you to form and maintain unhealthy relationships because it's easier than being alone.
A.I can cause you to push people away before they come too close, to keep relationships and feelings at bay because you don't want to feel too much. You want to lessen the impact of the loss.
A.I can cause internal conflict, stress, unrealistic expectations and the "everyone leaves in the end" mentality.
A.I can cause dismissive behaviors, the "nothing is there so there's nothing to let go" mentality when in actuality it's eating you alive and it plagues your mind everyday. (I would definitely suggest letting go of pride but don't take my word for it because whew chile I can talk pride for hours 🥺)
A.I can cause exuberant actions (both negative and positive) to get attention, the need for constant reassurance, the imagination of scenarios and ruining something before it even begins.
These and many more are signs of abandonment issues which shows that it's a common and relatively frequently occurring mental issue.
Taking life day by day, giving the benefit of the doubt, allowing someone to prove themself, not being distant, not being hasty are just some ways of overcoming abandonment issues.
While I, might find it best to stay by myself and be salty not everyone shares the same sentiment. If you feel the need to build a relationship please ensure that you and the person are exuding similar vibes. I feel the need to talk about mental health especially on this book because it touches a lot of mental issues and abuse.
Remember, it's okay to move on. It's okay to love yourself, it's okay to not love yourself, it's okay to give and receive love, it's okay to be reclusive, it's okay to be single, it's okay to fall apart once in awhile or twice per day, it's okay to be afraid, it's okay to wait, it's okay to have hope, it's okay to wish, it's okay if you push people away because you're scared, it's okay to pull people in because you're also scared (the good ones) it's okay to be HUMAN.
PS: FUCK COLUMBUS DAY, TF!!!! FUCK EVERYONE WHO CELEBRATES THAT SHIT AND FUCK COLUMBUS OL BIG I FOUND NEW LAND HEADASS, OL THIEVING ASS TRIFLING ASS RAPIST AND MURDERER!
55. Life support
Start from the beginning
