The Middle - Volume Three ✔️

Chapter 46

Jamie

I’m standing across the street from the Grill. I was walking home from Noah’s dorm, but now I’m watching Patrick and Amanda laughing and talking. He’s just given her his hoodie. And they’re both smiling at each other, and now they’re walking off together.

My heart just dropped from my chest to my stomach, and I’m worried I’m about to vomit the fucking thing out all over the sidewalk.

I knew he was seeing her tonight, but I didn’t know their date would go so well. This fucking sucks.

I walk home quickly, and I don’t even undress or take my shoes off when I go up to bed. Turns out I did have more tears left to cry after all, because I cry myself to sleep.

***

Sunday morning, and I don’t wanna get up. I’m still in the clothes I had on last night, right down to my fucking shoes. Yeah, that was a great decision. Note to self: wash bed sheets today. I don’t know what time it is, but I’ve heard my phone go off a few times since I opened my eyes. I should really check it. Maybe it’s my dad. Maybe it’s Noah. Maybe it’s Jay or Erin. Maybe it’s Joel. Maybe it's... No, I know it’s not Patrick.

I reach over for my phone, nudging Benji slightly. He’s still sleeping next to me, so it can’t be that late.

11.30am. Jesus, it isn’t early either. Benji is so lazy. But, for that I’m grateful. I have a few new messages.

Aubrey, 09:42am: John just told me you ended things with Noah. Talk to me, girl. I’m around all day xox

So, he’s told his friends. Well, John at least. It’s hard to care about that right now.

Joel @ The Middle, 08:16am:  *photo attachment*

He’s sent in a photo of him, Sarah, Jay and Erin sitting in some diner having breakfast. Cute. Patrick hasn’t replied. He's probably too busy having morning sex with Amanda.

Erin, 07:32am: Hello, friend. Going for breakfast soon, Jay says you were with Noah last night. How’d it go? Call me.

I’m not gonna call her. Not today, at least.

Noah, 06:39am: I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’m gonna be okay. It’s shit just now, but I’m confident we can be friends in time. Hope you’re not beating yourself up too much. I’ve told Zach, John and Will that we ended things, and that’s all. No details. I’m here if you wanna talk x

What the hell was he doing up at 6 thirty this morning? Jesus, I hope he wasn’t awake all night thinking about this. I’ll reply to him later.

I toss my phone back down onto the bed and get up. I’m operating on pilot mode. Strip, shower, dress, feed dog, take dog out.

I’ve already decided I’m gonna walk Benji to the cemetery. I haven’t been to see my mom yet this year, what with everything that’s been going on. And right now, there is no one else I wanna talk to. I wish I could talk to her for real. This will have to do.

I approach the family grave, then kneel down and remove the wilted flowers my dad and me put down at Christmas. I replace them with fresh flowers I picked up on the way over here, then settle down in front of my mom’s gravestone, legs crossed, hands in my lap.

“Hey, mom. Happy new year. Sorry it’s almost a week late, there’s been a lot going on.”

I sigh and look over my shoulder at Benji. He's lying down behind me, his face resting in front of him between his paws. He behaves this way every time we come here, he just knows.

“I wish you were here. I miss you so much. And there’s so much shit I wanna talk to you about.” I let out a shaky laugh, as a lone tear escapes down my cheek.
“Sorry, that one just slipped out.” I didn’t swear when my mom was still around, I was too young. My dad’s cool with it, but I have a feeling my mom wouldn’t be.

“I’m in love with Patrick.” I whisper to the gravestone in front of me, feeling more tears stream down my cheeks. “but you already knew that, right? You know everything. So I’m gonna save us both time, and skip the details. I just need to know what I should do. Please, mom, I don’t know what to do.”

I take a shaky breath, then go on. “You and dad were never friends first. You guys knew you were in love right from the moment he first asked you out. It’s not like that with Patrick. He’s my friend. And I don’t wanna ruin what we have. But I don’t know how to go on now, just being his friend.”

I look around, making sure Benji and I still have privacy with my mom. We do.

“He wants to move on anyway, and he looked happy with Amanda last night. I should let him move on, right? I’ve put him through enough torment over the years already. What should I do, mom? Why can’t you tell me?” The tears are coming faster now. “Why did you have to die? You should be here. You should be here to hug me and tell me what to do. Why did you have to die? I need you.”

Those last three words catch in my throat, and I begin to sob. I feel Benji’s nose pushing my hands away as he rests his head in my lap lovingly. I pet him and try to give him a smile. I just feel so sad. I just want my mom.

I sit there with Benji in silence for a while longer, staring at the words on my mom’s gravestone and just wishing she could come back to me.

When I finally stand up, my tears have dried and my breathing is back to normal. One thing I know, my mom would tell me to stop crying, stand up, and get on with it. So I head home with Benji, with plans of locking all the doors and going back to bed for the rest of the day.

When I get home, I check my phone again and see that Joel and Jay are leaving New York soon, and they’re gonna come by when they get back tonight. Awesome. Patrick still hasn’t said anything.

I have a couple of missed calls from Erin, and another text from Aubrey telling me she came by but I wasn’t home. I text her back telling her I was out with Benji, and assuring her that I’m fine. I’ll see her at school tomorrow probably. After forcing down some Cornflakes, I decide to text Noah back too.

Me, 16:51pm: Hi, thanks for the text. I’m glad you wanna be friends, I do too. Take all the time you need x

That will do. And just as I hit send, another notification comes through. The name on the text almost makes my heart stop.

Patrick @ The Middle, 16:51pm: Let me know when you’re back and I’ll see you at Jamie’s.

Hes coming over here tonight, too. Fuck. My plan to barricade the doors and be alone has been foiled again. Why can’t they ever just leave me alone? Why can’t he just leave me alone?

I sit down in front of the TV in the living room with Benji, feeling apprehensive and a little numb. And I wait.