The Middle - Volume Three ✔️

Chapter 44

I can't break eye contact with him, I owe him this at least, but I really wanna look away. I can feel the tears coming, but I can't let myself cry. I don't get to cry right now. Noah doesn't deserve that. He shouldn't have to feel pity towards me. This is my issue, not his. Okay, he hasn't exactly been an angel. But this 'break-up' is on me.

"I can't try and work things out with you now because I don't feel the right way about you, and I know that now because... because..." I take a deep breath, and he's frowning slightly, waiting for me to finish.

"I have feelings for someone else."

His frown deepens and he lets go of my hands again. He sits back on the sofa and runs both of his hands through his hair quickly while ducking his head forward. When he looks up at me, I have no idea how he's feeling. His eyes look completely devoid of emotion right now.

So, I go on.

"I didn't expect this to happen, and I wasn't sure about it until, like, last night. But I had to be honest with you about this. It wouldn't be fair on you to use any other kind of excuse. This is the reason. Because, you know I'm crazy about you. If I didn't have feelings for someone else, then I probably would -"

"Don't finish that sentence." He says quickly, glaring down at his feet.

I give him a minute to think about what he wants to say, or what he wants to do. If he wants me to leave, I'm gone. If he wants me to explain this more, I will.

"Have you been... seeing this other guy?" He manages to say, his voice dangerously low.

Yeah, only almost every day for almost six years. But that's not what he means, of course.

"No, I haven't. But..."

"It's the guy you hooked up with?" He's still looking at his feet, not at me.

"Yes, it is." I have to be honest with him.

"So, when did you sleep with him? New Year's Eve?" He turns his head to look at me. I still can't quite make out how he's feeling, I just know he's not happy.

"The day after." I reply. Well, technically, it was the Second. But he doesn't need to know that.

"That was Monday. This is Saturday." He shakes his head. Yeah, I think he's angry now. "How the hell could you practically fall in love with some guy you slept with in just a few days?!"

His eyes are wide, and he's waiting for an answer. I can't answer this properly without admitting that it's Patrick. I haven't fallen in love with him in the space of a few days, this has been happening in my subconscious for years. It's only just hit me (like a bulldozer) this week, and it's still confusing the shit out of me. How can I satisfy Noah's curiousity about this when I barely even know how to explain it to myself!?

I try to answer him as honestly as I can, without revealing too much. He doesn't need to know that I've practically screwed up my chances with this guy anyway, because he's out with Amanda tonight and he wants to get over me. But whatever. Noah deserves honesty about why I don't wanna be with him anymore, so that's what he'll get.

"It doesn't matter how it happened, Noah, just that it has happened. I can't keep seeing you knowing that I can feel this way about someone else." I look up at the ceiling, composing myself. He doesn't speak, he waits for me to go on. "There was a time when I thought I could have loved you. But I didn't. Because now I know what love actually feels like. And it sucks. Trust me, it fucking sucks. I wish I didn't feel this way, but it's beyond my control. I wish I could go back to this time last week, and just..."

My words catch in my throat as the tears I've been supressing finally emerge. I try to fight it, but I can't, and within seconds I'm sobbing. It's really just hit me, you know? I've loved Patrick for years, I just didn't realise how much. I don't just love him, I'm in love with him. And it's terrifying. It's the most consuming, life changing feeling I have ever felt. And now that I'm saying the words out loud, I'm realising just how much this is consuming me. And on top of that, I feel awful for what I'm doing to Noah. He's so mad, and I'm such a mess, and...