Before You Go

chapter forty-nine

I miss him desperately.

A tear slips down my cheek as I step into the bedroom of the carrier house. It's been weeks since I was here last and nothing has changed. The bedsheets are still a mess, Leon's suitcase is still here, and the window is open, allowing a cool October breeze to caress the room.

It's bittersweet to be in here. This room holds some beautiful, cherished memories between Leon and I. But I promised Tenille I would eventually move Leon's belongings. I also think I've given myself enough time. I'm definitely not over him – it still hurts like hell to know that he's gone – but I'm now strong enough to do this.

A cardboard box in hand, I walk over to the bed and set it down atop the messy sheets. Just being here, surrounded by some of his belongings has already started to allow the familiar numbness to seep into my blood. The familiar sadness and longing to encompass my heart. It's so potent, so demanding, that I have to push it away and replace it with something else.

I close my eyes, taking a deep breath.

All the memories I have with Leon are the only things I can hold onto to prevent myself from slipping. I can't focus on the fact that I lost him. I have to be thankful for what we had, even if it was minimal. I have to be thankful that I got to speak to him one last time before he died. Not a lot of people get to do that as a result of accidents.

Metaphorically, I roll up my sleeves and get to work. Nathan, Leon's dad, told me to keep anything important and to donate the rest because it's something Leon would have done. So that's what I'm doing. I begin to fill the box with his clothing and other items that can be reused. I keep things such as his wallet, the t-shirt he let me wear when I was sopping wet, a necklace that used to be his mom's, et cetera.

Saying the whole process is easy would be a lie. Each time I pick something up, I want to keep it, grip it tightly and hold it close. But I fight that urge, just like my therapist told me to do, and set the item in the box.

I'm about halfway through the suitcase when there's a timid knock on the bedroom door.

I turn around, smiling when I see Tenille standing in the doorway.

"Hey," I say, setting down the pair of jeans I had been planning on folding up. "It's good to see you, Ten."

She smiles. "Mom said you stopped by. Figured I'd come say hello." She walks over and pulls me into a tight hug. "I haven't seen you since the funeral."

I hug my best friend back. "I've been trying to sort some things out. Get better. You know?"

Pulling away, Tenille nods.

"Have you talked to Kit lately?" I ask, changing the subject. Ever since the night of the accident, Kit and Tenille have been close. Closer than usual. I wouldn't be surprised if they ended up dating.

A light blush spreads across her cheeks. "Yes," she replies, clearing her throat. "He's actually going to be coming to Whistler next week. He's taken up golf again and he wants to open a fundraiser in Leon's name to raise money for kids that can't afford to play."

My smile broadens and I squeeze her hand. "I'm so happy for you, Ten. And that is an amazing idea. Kit has my full support."

She smiles back at me. "Thanks, Eliza."

I try to keep my smile on my face, but it's no use. I really am happy for Tenille and Kit, but I have to admit, I am a little jealous of their romance.

"How're you holding up?" Tenille asks. "And be honest with me, Eliza."

I glance at her, feeling a familiar burn in my nose.