when i'm gone

the third concert

billie put on a silk shirt with sparkly gold gucci symbols. her shorts matched. "i'm thinking of changing my hair," billie said as she put it in a half bun. a few women were brushing her cheeks with powder. finneas sat beside her as women did the same to his cheeks. "to what?" finneas asked her. "i dunno. maybe, like, i should go fucking wild. i'm really fuckin with some neon." i tried to picture her with bright neon yellow hair. "that'll make everyone go crazy," finneas scrolled through his phone. "ya, i want some hella nice green highlights on the top and then it fades to black. it'd be neon green under, too."

"i would like that, babe," i shut off my phone and got comfortable in my seat. "i know you would!" billie stuck out her tongue. billie begged me to come out with her to the meet and greets, so i agreed and hugged people as they left. billie tried to convince me that people wanted to do meet and greets to meet me also, but i sort of doubted it. billie, finneas, and i scootered around again in the open venue as billie's crew set up the stage lights and fixed the mics. i crashed into finneas and we both fell to the ground, my legs over his stomach. i wheezed, i laughed so hard. finneas threw his head back and cackled. billie slowed down next to us and shed a tear from laughing so hard.

"hey you three, i do not need anyone getting hurt. they're gonna start letting people in in a few minutes, let's get back stage. come on, come on," maggie tsked at us. finneas helped me up and we scootered back behind the closed doors. strands of my hair stuck to my forehead. i had been sweating from laughing and chasing after billie and finneas. billie threw on a bright white shirt much too big for her and it had teal stripes with louis vuitton inside, a darker shade. her shorts matched the stripes. finneas put on his iconic white suit and rolled his shoulders. billie just finished her vocal warm ups and did a couple of pushups to prepare herself for the moshing on stage. "this is gonna be a fucking awesome concert!" i clapped my hands together. they both smiled at me, then at each other.

i watched as billie hugged maggie and patrick together in her arms. she told them both i love you. billie kissed finneas on the cheek and thanked all three of them for supporting her through this and being the best family. weird. she's never done something like this, really. not this... random.

billie walked up to me before they counted her down to go up and perform. "i love you, you know that right?" i nodded. "yes, of course. do you know that i love you, too?" billie hung her head momentarily then lifted her chin back up with a big, closed mouth smile. "when you- when we get home, i have a little surprise for you in my drawer on the nightstand. you need to see it, ok?" i squinted at her strangely. "heh, ok? thanks," i blushed. "you mean the world to me and i miss you no matter where i am, whether i'm on stage or..." she didn't finish. she couldn't either. "billie, on in 10 seconds!" someone with a clipboard interrupted. "ok, go rock the world, billie eilish!" i kissed her passionately.

i retied my shoes, well, billie's shoes that i was borrowing. as billie started walking on stage, i heard two familiar voices behind me. "cc? twyla?" i gasped and ran into them. "i've missed you both so much," i breathed out into them. "girl, look at you. that's your girlfriend out there!" twyla kissed me on the cheek. i missed seeing myself in her. not because i saw myself, but the rest of me. her same rosy cheeks and our same perfect white teeth. i looked at cc who still hadn't gotten a haircut that he desperately needed. his shaggy brown hair hung over his eyebrows and his pointed nose shone in the colorful lights. "dude, hella fucking nice to see you," cc punched my shoulder. "what are you guys doing here?" i shook my head in disbelief. maggie walked behind me and put a hand on my shoulder. she spoke loudly over the ending of bad guy, "i invited them!"

"you invited them? how'd you- you did?" i fluttered my long black eyelashes. "i could tell you missed them. so this morning i went next door and told them to come to the concert tonight." "thank you so much, maggie!" i wrapped myself around her. maggie patted my back, "of course, honey." we all went back to focusing on the concert, but making small talk during, catching up on the little things and how cc had gotten in a fight at the bus stop last night because someone tried to rob him. i had to admit, it was nice hearing something unrelated to concerts, health problems, or emotions. i stopped listening momentarily to focus on billie. it looked like she was really enjoying the show. i grinned. she worries herself for nothing and ends up loving every second of it.

when the party was coming on and i walked up as close as i could to watch her sing. i was nearly visible to the crowd. in fact, i think i was to the people on the right side. i saw a few people waving at me.

"but nothing is better sometimes..." billie sung emotionally, her voice thick with meaning.

"once we've both said our goodbyes..." she shut her eyes and rocked her body on the stool.

"let's just let it go!" billie sung beautifully, the music video behind playing along in sync.

i wiped a tear from my eye. no matter what she did, it was perfect in every way.

"let me let you... go..." she barely was able to sing.

"quiet when i'm coming home... and i'm on.. my.. own..." billie lifted her head up high and sung it proudly.

suddenly, everything stopped.