when i'm gone

nightmares

sensitive content ahead
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i was staring at billie's arms and wrists. "what happened, billie?" my 13 year old self asked her. bandaids were up and down her precious soft skin. "i fell in a bush," she lied cheerily. "ouch. i'm sorry!" i hugged her. billie didn't hug me very tight back. somehow it was the next day and i was creeping into the bathroom, watching billie, sitting against the tub with a razor in her right hand and her left arm resting on her knee. it looked as if she had been crying. i watched her take the razor and drag it against her pale wrist. "no!" i tried to yell out, but no words came out. i ran into the bathroom and waved my arms in front of her and i tried grabbing the razor from her, but i seemed like a cloud of smoke, untouchable.

she winced in pain as blood slipped down her hand and onto the white tile floor. she dragged it against her skin, another time and another time until there was hardly anymore room to cut. her arm was drenched in blood and so were her clothes and the floor beneath. how could i have been so oblivious? i screamed and cried for her to stop, but nothing came out. painfully, i watched her drop the razor, wash her arm off, look in the mirror and whisper to herself, "i deserve this pain...". no, she doesn't. she didn't. she can't. she won't ever deserve this sort of thing. and she thought it was punishment for something she thought she was doing wrong. she put bandaids over her arm and walked out with a smile.

another dream occurred to me... this time, i was really there. billie was about 13, almost 14. a dance competition was coming up, it was like i went back in time. all of it coming to me vividly. she had been practicing so much and so hard for this. i remember how terrible that week went. maybe this was around the same time she had harmed herself. billie was in bed, the shades closed and her room dark, even though it was a sunny day outside. i remember i had come over earlier that day and they told me what happened, maggie and patrick. i stared at maggie sobbing into patrick's shoulder. "my poor baby girl!" she mourned. patrick looked as if he weren't there. his thoughts were elsewhere, but in a sad and ugly place. finneas sat on the chair beside the couch and rubbed his head. it looked as if he had no clue what to do.

"maybe you can cheer her up, willow. could you please try?" patrick looked at me desperately. "i'll- i'll try." i walked down the dark hall and stopped at billie's bedroom door. i hesitated to knock. my hands already in a fist. what do i say? i knocked, no response. i opened the creaking door then shut it behind me. i could almost smell her depression. "billie? i'm here. i'm- i'm so sorry..." she was curled up in a ball, unmoving. i saw all of her medications on her bed stand. pain killers, antidepressants, etc. i saw crutches and wheelchair in the corner by her stacks of shoes. i saw pairs of hospital socks laid out nicely on the floor.

"they can't do anything to fix it..." i heard a low, hopeless utter. i looked at her from where i was standing, picking at my nails anxiously. "i'm never going to dance again... ever." i had never been committed to dance like she was. i tried it once and it was horrible for me. i cant relate. be sympathetic, then, i told myself. "i don't understand what you're, feeling, but i can't imagine. you were a great dancer billie... im sure you'll dance again!" suddenly she turned her head and glared at me with wet eyes and cheeks. "i'm lucky i can even walk!" she screamed at me. i took a step back. "just get out! i don't ever want to wake up. i hate my life! dance was the only thing i had!" she ended the sentence in a sob and a cough. snot ran from her nose and caught on her shirt.

"go away! get out!" she yelled again and threw a pillow at me and it looked painful, any movement of her body. i started walking toward the door, scared and hurt. as i was leaving, i saw her eyebrows flinch and twitch and her head thrashing back and forth before she fell back into her pillow and screamed a terrible cry. looking back now, this was the hardest i had ever seen her cry. the loudest. the saddest. the most meaningful, truly painful cry. i was racing out of their house, away from billie to grant her her wish, when i felt my body shaking.