Lights Out • 1 • Formula One ✔️

Chapter 115

Earlier than normal because I'm tired and won't be able to post tomorrow. Hope you don't mind! I love reading your comments so make sure to leave them as you're reading ❤️

It was safe to say that I didn't sleep well, or at all for that matter. I felt significantly heavier after Juliette's revelation and completely forgot what normal felt like. My body hadn't been plagued with an emotion this severely down since the death of my dad a couple of years ago, the only comparable feeling in recent times being when I thought I was going to lose Marcus. Despite all of these feelings, there was an underlying sense of numbness that could be described most similarly to an emptiness just knowing that I'm never going to see my mum again.

My mum and I had our differences - that was clear to anyone who knew us. She wasn't as much of a petrolhead as my dad and I were, but she always made an effort to try and make me happy. Whenever he was unable to drive (whether it be his sickness or a commitment to work), mum would be the first to offer support to my karting races and drive me anywhere in the country that I needed to go. It wasn't until the Silverstone Grand Prix that I ever doubted her support for me. With hindsight, her outburst was so out of character that I should've questioned it rather than just getting mad. If what Juliette said was true, she would've been going through the first few rounds of treatment during that time... maybe that was what she was making the poor excuses for?

Juliette arrived to pick me up a little after ten. We barely said more than a few sentences to each other throughout the entire drive to my mum's house, the house I grew up at every other week, which was about an hour and a half away in Bristol. My dad had moved to Milton Keynes upon their divorce so I was constantly commuting by train just so I could see both of my parents equally.

My phone was on 'do not disturb' mode for the sole purpose being that I didn't want the constant checkups from Kudzai, Damien, and Marcus. I had yet to tell anyone else and, quite frankly, I didn't want any more people telling me how 'sorry' they are. Their intentions may be all well and good, but I learned with my dad's death that it just makes you hurt so much more. The constant reminder that they're truly dead can ruin a person.

All of the old memories started to come back the moment we started to pass the more familiar areas. When I spotted the slightly run-down house on the end of the street, the messy '70' painted in bright pink paint on the brick wall after all this time, I wanted to cry. The last time I had visited here at the beginning of the year to visit mum with Murray and Kudzai, I didn't take in all of the little details that made this place feel home. I took all those happy memories for granted. I'm never going to feel the same way here again.

"You don't have to come in if you don't want to," Juliette broke the silence. We had spent a good five minutes just sat in the car, our eyes fixated on the building a few feet away.

I shook my head and swallowed the burning lump in my throat. "No, I want to." Before Juliette could say anything that might change my mind, I unfastened my seatbelt and stepped out of the car. She quickly followed suit, locking the door behind her as she jogged up to me.

"Tilly, her carer, said that mum put a box together for us." I knew that Juliette was trying to stay strong but her voice betrayed her. She sounded like she was about to breakdown on the spot so I took the keys from her shaky hand to unlock the front door myself. "Thank you," she quietly mumbled.

"How come you got a key to the house and I didn't?" I asked, mustering the most light-hearted tone I possibly could. "Even Kudz got a key before I did."

Juliette chuckled softly despite the tears falling down her cheeks. "Because you are shit with losing things. After the sixth time she had to replace your tamagotchi, mum knew better than to trust you with a key to her house. She probably bagged on the fact that you wouldn't accidentally lose Kudzai somewhere so you could come back whenever you wanted."