Before You Go

chapter thirty-two

I nod in agreement as I follow Leon into the carrier house. The hike took longer than expected – we almost missed the last chairlift down – because we were both so emotional. As I follow Leon through the entrance and to the kitchen, guilt begins to claw its way up my throat. Now is the point where I should be saying goodbye to him and returning back to the house to see if James is ready to apologize to me. But even as I set down the sweaters on the counter and try to talk myself out of staying here any longer, my feet won't move. After years of missing Leon and wondering if he was okay, I don't want to leave him alone. I want to get to know him again.

"So," I say, tugging at my hair. "Um, are you still playing golf?"

Leon cocks an eyebrow at me as he begins to empty out the containers from his backpack. He squirts a little bit of soap into the sink and then begins to fill it up with warm water. My cheeks turn pink because I know what I've asked is a stupid question – he kicked James's ass the other day on the golf course.

"I'm actually close to becoming part of the PGA tournament," he says softly. "I have to go through a few more games this year. If I win those, I'm in it for next summer."

I almost let out a scream of joy. It was Leon's dream to make it to PGA-level golf. I cover my mouth with my hands, tears pooling in my eyes. "You did it," I whisper. "You actually did it."

The corner of his mouth tugs up. "I'm not quite there, Liz."

"But you're close," I argue. "And you know you're going to win these upcoming games. You've basically made it."

His nostrils flare as he submerges a container beneath the sudsy water and begins to scrub away the sticky peach pie filling that's stuck to the edges. I don't know what I've said to upset him, but I can tell something is off by the way his posture has turned rigid. Not sure what I'm supposed to say to him, I wander around the corner of the island and grab a dry dish towel. When Leon is finished scrubbing the container, I take it from him and dry it. We continue on with this until all the dishes are done, including the water bottles. I fold the damp cloth up and hang it over the faucet. Then, without any hesitation, I turn back to Leon. "What's wrong?"

He looks at me with his beautiful, unique eyes. "That's not a simple question to answer."

"Why?"

"Because," he sighs, "I'm in love with you. You can't even begin to understand how hard it is to watch you and James kiss and hug and laugh at each other's jokes. I want to tear him away from you and tell him he doesn't deserve you. But it's not my choice to make. You deserve to have someone in your life that loves you, Liz. You choosing James and him being a better man than I was... it kills me. But at least you're happy. That's all I've ever wanted in my life. Loving you is killing me, but I can handle it. As long as you're smiling, then I'm content." He pauses, scratching the back of his neck. "I never came here to ruin your wedding or drive you and James apart. Even if it seems that way. I wanted to tell you how I really feel so I didn't regret it for the rest of my life. Whatever you choose to do, Liz, I'll support you until the end."

My smile quickly vanishes and I'm filled with guilt. I press my lips together tightly, trying to hold back another wave of emotion, but it's too much for me. Although years have passed between us, Leon is still the same old caring person I remember. He has morals. He respects the decisions other people make. He's so utterly kind-hearted that I can't fault him for expressing his feelings for me. I feel terrible for the way I reacted when he first arrived, for the way I treated him and pushed him away. I feel terrible for not fighting for him even though my heart begged me to. A tear leaks slowly onto my cheek.

"Leon...You weren't supposed to leave me."

"And you weren't supposed to leave me," he counters.

The pain in his voice makes me cry harder, and my heart begins to ache. I can't go back and change the past. And nor can I change the fact that being torn between two men I love is my new reality.