Before You Go

chapter twenty-nine

I make eye contact with Tenille. She's still staring me down, waiting for an answer. I press my lips into a flat line and look down at my feet. The longer we stand here, the more I begin to realize just how tired I am of this shit. I'm tired of keeping my feelings locked away. I'm tired of being scared of what the possible outcome might be – how can I assume I know what's going to happen when I haven't taken the initiative to find out? It's not a crime for me to still love Liz. After everything we've been through together, it would be a crime to not love her. For as long as I can remember, Liz has played an important role in my life.

And Tenille has seen the majority of it. She saw how Liz and I's relationship developed over the years. There's no one, aside from Liz herself, that could understand my situation any better. Granted, Tenille is probably going to punch me when I tell her the truth, but I'll take it. As long as it means I can get some of this weight off of my chest.

"Ten," I say softly. "I still love her."

Tenille's face falters as she absorbs the meaning of what I've just said; her lips part and her eyes widen with shock. Feeling defeated by my own confession, I look away and begin to transfer my glass of water between my hands, back and forth. Some water sloshes over the rim of the glass and lands on the floor. I shouldn't be defeated by my own confession, but all it does is reveal how selfish I am. I'm not upset with myself about loving Liz. I'm upset about how I took the first chance I could get my hands on at seeing Liz without thinking of the consequences. I thought I was making the right decisions, but it was selfish of me to not step back and think that Liz was happy and didn't need me in her life anymore.

"Jesus," Tenille says, shaking her head. "I don't know whether or not I should smack you silly or cry for you. Leon...she's getting married. It's a little late for you to be here, ready to declare your love for her."

I begin to scratch the back of my neck. "Yeah, I should have thought this through a little more, but I had to see her. I didn't go a day without thinking about her and everything we had. I didn't go a day without missing her and wishing I could be by her side. God, I could hardly get that night by the creek out of my head for more than five minutes. I know I fucked up, but – "

"The creek?" Tenille interrupts. "What happened by the creek?"

I look up at her, surprised that she's actually asking this question. "Liz never told you?"

She cocks her head to the side. "No Leon," she drawls. "I heard the entire story. That's exactly why I'm asking you what the hell happened."

"Always with the sarcasm," I grin. "I've missed having you around."

Tenille reaches behind her and grabs the pen she was using. "If you don't tell me what happened, I'm going to throw this pen at your head."

I snort softly at Tenille's empty threat. She's a feisty little thing – always has been – but there's no way she would hurt me. "The night before I left, I asked Liz to meet me down by Fitzsimmons Creek, by our rock. I wanted to say goodbye to her one last time with us being alone. I promised that we'd keep in touch and that we'd make the long-distance relationship work..." I trail off and allow the memories of all my mistakes haunt me. I fucked this up so badly – even before I lied to her. I didn't put in enough effort whatsoever. I should have FaceTimed her every day. I should have called her. I should have bought plane tickets and surprised her with spontaneous visits.

"Yeah, yeah," Tenille says. "I get it – there was a bunch of cheesy, romantic words that were said between the two of you. What exactly happened?"

Unable to stand still, I saunter over to the kitchen sink and rinse out my glass. While I'm doing so, I try to separate my thoughts from my emotions. It's a difficult thing to do when that night on Saint-Sangster Rock is in the picture. Every time I think about that night, longing punches me in the gut. If I could ask to relive one day, it would be that one. The way Liz made me feel was indescribable. I want to feel like that again.