Barely Holding On

(12) The Deal

Should I be doing this? Probably not. It is 1:15 in the God damn morning and once again I'm heading for the diner. Not only is this a bad idea, but I don't know what type of Dylan I will be confronted with. I will either be faced with the 'serious' Dylan, the 'hey I'm super cool and you can be my friend I guess' Dylan, or the worst of all *gulp* the 'flirty' Dylan. I hate the way the latter gives me heart palpitations, why even is that? Probably just a shock to my system since I haven't gotten use to him being nice to me. 

Arriving outside of the diner I get a sense of deja vu, cliché I know. I stare at the entrance with slight hesitation already second guessing my decision of coming here. Dylan was obviously joking in his text message, he'll probably think I'm crazy taking it so seriously. 

Wait a minute. Why am I freaking out so much? I'm awake and I need coffee, like always. This has nothing to do with Dylan, he just happens to work here and nothing more. This thought alone fills me with determination and I enter the diner. As soon as I enter though, all of that determination and confidence fizzles as soon as I spot Dylan at the front counter. He hasn't looked over to me yet so I quickly dart behind one of the pillars, stubbing my toe along the way, and quickly making my way towards the booth in the back. Oh God, that was so embarrassing. Thank God he didn't see me. I look up towards him and now see that he is walking towards me with a cup of coffee in his hands. As he reaches me, he places the coffee down and then sits in the seat across from me.

"What was that?"

"What was what?"

"Your stumble to the booth- is your toe okay by the way?"

At this point I can tell Dylan is trying to hold back his laughter and I. Want. To. Die. 

I open my mouth to answer him but instead take a sip of my once again perfectly made coffee. Once I finish my excessively long sip, I stare him in the eyes trying to push down my embarrassment.

"To be completely honest with you D, I didn't know if you were actually serious about wanting me here so I was.. hesitant."

Dylan finally lets out the laugh he was trying to hold back, and it is beautiful. I never thought Dylan's laugh would be so melodious. I don't want to but I can't help but join his laughter, despite it being directed at me. We laugh for about 2 minutes and once it fades away, I can see Dylan shaking his head.

"What?"

Dylan looks up at me and gives me one of his rare smiles that makes me lose my breathe every time. 

"Oh E, you're so entertaining. That's why I wanted you here, you intrigue me."

Hm. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing. On one hand it is nice to hear that I can be entertaining to this 'notorious bad boy'. However, the 'intrigue' part is what scares me the most. I don't want to be intriguing because being intriguing means people want to know more about you. I don't like that.

"Well, I am definitely not intriguing but you are. You, Dylan, are an enigma."

"What the hell does that mean?"

Now it was my turn to laugh at his expense and it feels great. 

"It means you are a mystery and very hard to figure out. I mean you hated me-"

"-Which we have moved on from-"

"-now I would say we're friends and you're showing me a completely different person. Then you have the people at school categorizing you as the 'bad boy' which I can understand but have never actually seen. Then I see the way you were with your mom. I'm just trying to figure out who the real Dylan is."

As soon as I finished my sentence, Dylan's face becomes stone cold. Uh Oh. 

"Well what about you huh?"

"W-what about me?"

He lets out an unhumorous laugh and leans in closer to me, making sure I see his dark cold eyes. 

"Oh please, don't even try it. Every single person at school including your best friends see you as this happy go lucky straight A student who doesn't have a care in the world. Yet, here you are for the second time at 1 in the morning drinking coffee clearly spooked at something. You're also not the only person who knows how to fake a smile. So I would be very careful and not try to figure me out, because I know for a fact you don't want anyone let alone me figuring you out."

I sit there shocked as Dylan leans back, gets up from the booth and walks away. I thought I had perfected fake happiness, but here Dylan is seeing through my facade completely. I don't know what to do, but as I watch Dylan walk away into the back of the café, I realize something. 

Maybe with him, I couldn't pretend because I didn't want to. I am so sick and tired of pretending everything is okay; that I am okay. Deep down I know that Dylan was faking it just as much as I am and that intrigued me. Maybe because of that thought alone I realize that he is the only person in my life who may know what I'm going through. 

Making a quick decision, I follow Dylan into the back of the cafe hoping I don't regret this. 

Entering the back kitchen, I see Dylan with his back to me with both his arms pressed on the counter top, head hanging low. I let out a sigh which catches his attention and causes him to slowly turn around to face me. His face is blank but I don't let that discourage me. I square my shoulders and look him dead in the eye. 

"You're right. I do fake a smile and I don't want anyone figuring me out. I have issues, more than your normal teenage should have but I don't want to burden those issues onto anyone else. I want to smile and let people think I am happy, that life is butterflies and ice cream because I don't want anyone to feel the way I do everyday. But you Dylan, I see how closed off you are and I see the same look in your eyes as I see in mine. You are the only person who may understand me and that's why I come here at 1 in the morning when I know you'll be here. I have no one else who will just sit with me and not ask questions. I'm sorry I pried, so how about we don't ask questions. Just be here for each other because I think we both need that. Well, I know I do anyway."

Throughout my speech, Dylans face only wavered to become softer but never gave away any emotions. I am breathing heavier than when I first started talking and my nerves are starting to get the best of me. Before I can turn around and run away from embarrassment, Dylan slowly starts walking towards me until he is standing a few feet away from me. 

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you like that but you're right. I am closed off- for good reason. And God only knows why but I like when you come here at 1 in the morning because surprisingly nobody understands me. Don't get me wrong, my boys are always there for me but they just don't understand. With that being said, maybe we can be each other's go-to person. No questions asked."

Dylan was talking in a hushed tone, like he didn't want anyone to hear our promises and secrets. I was stunned but I felt a slight weight lift off my chest. I slowly nod my head agreeing with Dylan and our deal. 

"Okay. Deal."

I stick out my right hand and Dylan doesn't hesitate to take it, securing our agreement. Neither one of us really knew what this deal meant or how it would work, but we both knew it would help keep our sanity in check.