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Chapter Thirty-Two: Annika

I wake up around eight to find Silas's note. He seemed so broken last night. I had to love him through it. Whatever it is he is kicking himself for, we will get past it. He isn't addicted to anything. And thank god he didn't cheat on me. I don't think I would have survived that. He said the first time we fell hard and fast. I did that the second time too. And God forbid it happens again, I would do the same. He was it for me

As long as this secret is not anything that would deliberately hurt me. What has he done?

I decide to look through our wedding pictures again, and it warms my heart how happy we look. His mom is beaming with joy. Her only child getting married to a girl she has always loved like her own daughter. I wish I remember genuinely being her daughter.

I decide to straighten my hair. It looks flat, so I end up curling it. I head to my closet and think about my wedding dress. I don't remember wearing it. I comb through my closet, looking for the dress. It probably won't fit, but I still want to try. Maybe it will trigger something. I am so desperate to remember. I've become obsessed. I wonder if I do get my memories back, how will it happen.

A flash?

A knowing?

Slowly over time?

I want them back so bad. I don't find it in my closet. Or his. I look at the other rooms. Nothing. I go back to our room and look under the bed. Bingo! There is a large white box and a large black storage bin. I pull the white box out from under the bed, and it's my dress. I stripped from my clothes and put it on. The zipper is on my side, which makes life so much easier. My crown of leaves and flowers lays on my head.

I can't help but twirl in front of the full mirror. I imagined Silas's hands on my body. Dancing with me. We haven't done that, dancing. He should take me dancing.

I go downstairs and read for a while. If someone came in, I would look like a crazy person. I am reading in my wedding dress just for the heck of it.

My stomach starts to rumble, and I do not want to eat in this dress. I'll hate myself if I spill on it. I kneel in front of the white box, placing the crown in it. The black bin in view. My curiosity hits. I pull it out and open the lid.

Oh my god...

I'm not even sure what I'm looking at... that's a lie. I know what this is. This is so fucked up. Why would he keep this from me? I pick up one of the objects. Pressing the button, it starts to vibrate in my hand. I quickly press the button again, shutting it off. I put the long, thick, smooth... thing, back.

Fuzzy handcuffs. More vibrators of all different sizes and shapes. I'm guessing this short, pointy silver object is a butt plug. There is a small, medium, and large.

The box is full of this stuff. None of this is overtly weird... wait... what the hell... A dildo attached to straps. What would we have this?

There are books in here. I pick them up to read the titles—books about sex games and playing. Then I see the title, How to Make Her Your Slut. Fuck, no. I need answers now.

"Hey, Baby." I see my angry face in the corner of the screen. I click to switch to the other camera, showing the contents in front of me.

"What the fuck is this?!"

His expression changes from relaxed to on edge. He isn't sure what to say. This is what he was hiding from me, right? "It's our... toy box." I switch it back so he can see my face.

Holding the strap on up, I ask, "why do we have this?"

"It's a strap on. We both—"

"I know what it is." I cut him off. I mean, just answer the damn question. "Why do we have it?"

"Ugh..." he looks frantic. He is pulling his hair. He should be panicked. "Can we please talk about this in person?"

"Talk. Now, Si!"

"On our honeymoon, we tried anal for the first time. After, you half-jokingly said, 'I wish you had two cocks to fuck me in both holes at the same time. Will that led to that."

"You put this on... and—"

"Yes." Hell no. Nope. Not going to happen. I'm not buying what you're selling, mister. Who does that? That's like porn sex, not that I watch porn, but I'm guessing they do fucked up shit like this all the time. There is no way I have done that before. That's not me. Anal I can get on board with, but this? Did he think that with a blank slate mind he could convince me of the things we 'used to do' so that he could implement his fantasies? Make me "his slut."

"You were going to say something before I cut you off. We both... we both what?" He stops fidgeting and looks at me.

"We both use it on each other."

"I—"

"You put it on and fuck me while giving me a handjob. We don't use it often, but it does happen every now and then." His eyes stab into me. "Remember when you said if I cheated on you, it better be with a man?" I nod. "You were implying that a man could offer me things that you can't. As you can see, that's not true." Are my paradise and hell the same? What game is he playing? NO!

"I don't believe you. Do you think you could live out your fucked up fantasies with your post-coma amnesia minded wife?!" He looks like I shot him. I really don't like seeing him in pain, but I can't believe any of this. I can't do this.

"Of course not! You don't remember, but Nik, we are a perfect match. You have to believe that."

"This is all too much. I'm not into this kinky shit." I see the background behind his head moving fast. I got ahead of myself. I got carried away. This moved way to fast. I was way too trusting. This isn't me. This is exactly what I should have expected from Si.

"I'm coming home. Please don't leave." He pants as he runs to his car. "I'll be there in 20. Please, please stay."

"Why? So you can fuck me in both holes?!"

"Annika! You know me. Do you really believe that? That I view you only as a sex object? I mean, what the hell?!"

"Kinky, weird-ass sex, that's the hell!"

"Just breathe, okay. I—" hang up and turn my phone off. I can't hear it anymore. I go to the room at the end of the hall to get the suitcases out of the closet. I stop at the door, staring at that locked room. Is it a sex room? Like fifty shades of grey? Silas is so sketchy. He is not who I thought he was.

I kick and push the door but nothing. If I don't get in there now, I was going to lose my fucking mind. What the hell else has he been hiding from me? I thought I could handle whatever it was, but I can't. I feel violated, like a piece of meat.

I go against the wall in the other room and run into the door full speed. I hear the wood crack. One more time with my other shoulder, and I'll be in. I go again... "Son of a..." my footsteps on the edge of my dress and I face plant into the carpet. I bounce up and try again. The door burst in, wood cracking. I land in a heap on the floor, again.

I stand up making sure there are no rips on my dress before taking in the room. Looking up, I'm faced with what Silas was really keeping from me.

I fall to my knees, crashing to the ground in a mass of limp limbs covered in white lace.

Silent tears fall.

My hands rub my flat, empty stomach.