Suppressed

Pattons Crush

Logan. Was. Shirtless.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know Logan didn't like me back, but I couldn't help still being in love with him.
God was he hot shirtless. He had abs for Christ's sake.
I need to do something. Anything to distract myself.
Bake! Its perfect.

For the rest of the day Patton baked until practicly every surface in the kitchen was covered in muffins, pies, cookies, cakes, you name it. It was pleasant.
He was able to calm his thoughts of Logan, feel productive, and do what he loved. The only problem was...

"Ummm Padre?"

"Yeah Roman?"

"What's up with all the, you know."
He gestures arround the kitchen.

"I saw Logan shirtless." He admits.

Roman nods understandingly. "So you're panic baking to escape?"

"Mmhm"
Patton had a spoon in his mouth, tasting some pie filling. Roman sighed.

"Why don't you just tell him how you feel?"
Patton glared at Roman, anger and hurt obvious his eyes.

"He obviously doesn't like me back, he doesn't feel. Plus even if he did, which he doesn't," Patton said, stabbing the spoon back into the filling, "I would always be backseat to his work. You know me, Roman! I'm clingy and emotional, and it would never work."
He punctuated each word with a, frqnkly unnecessary stab to some muffins, an action that had probable started as making sure they were cooked though, and ended in mutilation.

Roman started to speak, but then took it back, simply walking over to hug Patton instead. Patton melted into the hug and sobbed into his chest. They just stood there until the timer next to the stove beeped. Patton gently disentangled himself from Roman and pulled out his cookies. Roman reached over and turned off the stove.

"We can deal with the rest of this later."
Pattin nodded and Roman lead him to his room for a Disney marathon.

Later that day

Virgil and Logan walked downstairs.

"What was that about Patton not liking you?" Virgil said, starring at the piles of food.

"What do you mean?" Logan said.

"This is obviously panic baking! He was panicking because he saw you shirtless!"

"Im not that ugly." Logan muttered.
Virgil elbowed him in the side. Hard.

"You're that pretty."

Logan sighed.
"I don't want to think about this."

"We cant just fu-"

Logan cut him off with a kiss.

"Every time you're down..." Virgil finnished breathlessly.

Logan pressed his forehead to Virgil's and he growled a bit and lunged for Logan's lips.
Logan pulled back.

"What were you saying?" Logan teased.

"Ok ok you win! My room now!"

Logan grinned and kissed Vigil again.

Virgil licked his bottom lip and he gave him access. Virgil's tounge slid into his mouth and Logan groaned a bit into the kiss.

Virgil moved a bit and Logan knew they were taking this to the bedroom.

Back to Patton and Roman

"I feel a lot better now thanks Roman."

"Anytime Padre."

"We should figure out what to do with those baked goods."

"Yeah, I think we should keep some and donate the rest."

"Great idea! Lets go now!"

They walked down the stairs and froze.

Logan and Virgil, stumbling out of the kitchen, lips locked.

Virgil took Logans hand and turrned to the stairs. He stopped dead and dropped Logan's hand like it burned him. Logan looked up and his mouth dropped into a wide "O".

The silence thickened for an eternity before Virgil started with

"Its not what it looks like."

"Then what was it?" Roman said thickly.

Patton knew Roman loved Virgil. Two hearts broken in a single second.

Patton reached for his face, expecting to find tears. There were none. He felt empty. Patton turrned slowly, and started walking away. Faintly he heard Roman and Virgil calling his name but he kept walking. Distantly he registered he was shaking. He wasnt going to make it to his room. He collapsed. The tears came.

You already knew he didn't love you. Stop being so emotional.
Stupid Patton. Always throwing his heart where it didn't belong.
Nobody could love you. You are too silly and emotional.
What a burden. Always having Princy take care of you.
You know this only ends one way.

"STOP IT!" Patton screamed through sobs. He got up and ran to his room.

He walked to the bathroom. He knew there was only one way to make the voices shut up. He opened a drawer and got out his lighter and a bobby pin. He flicked on the lighter and held the bobby pin over the flame.

He pressed the bobby pin to his skin.

He inhaled sharp and fast then hissed through his teeth.

Then the world was sharper. He did it again. And again and again. He almost felt okay, floating on the adrenaline high.

He ran cool water over the burns and poured lavender essential oil on a cloth to put on his burns.

He heard screaming downstairs.

For the first time, he didn't care.

The other sides right now

"Im not lying!" Virgil yelled.

"Just a slut then?" Roman snapped back.

Virgil looked like Roman had slapped him. "You take that back." He said, voice wavering.

"Stop fucking someone you dont care about then!" Roman hissed.

"STOP!" Logan yells. Its the first time he's made a sound since they were caught.

They both looked at him.

"Its my fault. I suggested it after we were good friends to be friends with benefits. We knew we had crushes on other people but we were both frustrated because we couldn't be with them."

"Patton loves you you know." Roman said.

Logan looked up, his eyes red rimmed and full of pain.

"Don't say that."

"Why?" Roman said angrily. "Its clear you are all the sudden capable of feelings-"

"I was always capable of feelings." Logan snapped.

Roman looked taken aback.

"Every time I have feelings, I try to push them down. Feelings drown out my voice. They make me faulty. Invalidate my purpose. Every time I feel, I'm terrified I'm turning into something else. So I suppress them. The thing about feelings though Roman? They dont go away."

He looked like he regretted saying anything but I had been holding this in too long and it was all rushing out.

"Feelings expode out of me in fits of rage, like the time I mimed fire on my face, ducked out of "moving on", or threw paper at you. I love Patton but I will never be good for him. What if I snap at him? Hurt him? I would never be able to live with myself. Plus, eventually his feelings for me will fade and he'll get attached to something else. I can't watch that. No. It's better if I put my duty first. At least then I'm being useful."

Roman and Virgil were in shock. Id never said that to anyone.

Then I hear it. A shaky voice from the top of the stairs.

"Do you really mean that?"