How to Feel

How to Apologize-Chapter 7✔️

I never felt so blank and stuck. It's like thinking about an empty, dark hole over and over again. My brain was froze from all the thoughts that had ran through it. My body was fatigue from the lack of food and sleep. My heart felt empty, without my mom I have nothing.

I find it funny how my mom's shooter wasn't found and that none of this was going on the ten o'clock news. It all seemed strange. The news put every story they could find on and for mom gets shot, it isn't aired on tv at all.

My heart sunk even more at the thoughts of my mom.

Two weeks ago she had woke up and everything seemed fine until she had a seizure, they put her into a coma. She's been laying unresponsive since.

"Berkeley, are you in or not?" Derrick asked, an annoyed look on his face. Letting my thoughts drift away, I nod. "Okay, meet there at twelve." After Derrick stopped talking, somebody resumed the music and he went into the kitchen. Devin, Lacey, Bret, and Lisa sat on different couches. I didn't tell them about my mom, I didn't want the pity, plus they didn't care. Eventually, they will find out—scratch that, they probably already know. Nothing in these God forsaken neighborhoods goes passed this crew.

I looked away from the television and my eyes locked with Bret, he glared at me from the couch across from me.

I stared right back, trying to contain my emotions. I don't know how to feel. Should I feel happy? My first love is back. I just have so many questions. My heart tugged as I remember some of the good times we had. The fact that Lisa sat on his lap and not me broke my heart. I thought he was dead for a year and then the two years after that I don't know what I thought.

I didn't expect him to come back. Now that he was here it seemed unreasonable to think that he would still love me. He was with a bitch that didn't want us together in the first place. Fed up with my emotions, I stood up and walked out the back door, I need fresh air.

The moon glowed brightly, making shadows of trees.  I stood outside for ten minutes when I heard the back door open and somebody walked out.

I didn't pay attention as I watched the trees away with wind. It's so calm out here, I wish it could always be like this.

"Peaceful, huh?" Bret's deep voice said and I heard his footsteps as he came to stand on side of me, the smell of his cologne potent.

I don't respond as my heart started beating much faster, I just continue to look forward. My hands started shaking as I turned around and headed for the back foot because I much rather be in the house than out here now.

Calloused hands held my arm to keep me in place, "Wait." He said, continuing with, "I'm sorry."

I scoffed and looked at him in his eyes, "You good, let me go." I didn't mean it, but my pride is too much to sit here and beg him to tell me he still loves me. I miss him.

I won't be used again.

"Berkeley, I'm sorry." He uttered once again, slowly loosening his grip on my arm.

Emotions flushed throughout my whole body, only one emotion stood out the most.

Anger.

"What the fuck are you so sorry for? Huh? Tell me!" I push his hard chest and when he doesn't respond I say, "That's what the fuck I thought." Turning on my heels I walk into the house, the music is louder than before.

He had nerve to stand there and tell me he was sorry, but couldn't explain why. Was he sorry for leaving? Was he sorry for disappearing? Was he sorry for breaking my heart? Or was he sorry for being with Lisa?

Sorry wouldn't take away the year I stayed up in my room and cried, every night. It wouldn't take away the three years where I missed him and couldn't move on.

Sorry is not enough.

———

Damn I need to make longer chapters, I used to be so good at this.

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Not Edited.