Dear Stanley [Watty's 2019. Completed]

Loving Breeze and hurting Mom

Monday, June 6th

Dear Stanley,

I'm getting bullied even more now that Breeze and me are back to being friends. Closer than before I told her all about me. We kiss sometimes in the hallways or before and after class. We also hold hands.

Breeze ignores everyone else when she's with me and they gawk at us when they see me with my arm around her, or us kissing. I love every second with her.

She tries to help me understand everything. About the drugs and my family. She tries to help me figure out where you went.

I told her about your obsession with cites. She says that maybe you went to one of them. We still don't know which one though.

I've even begun sneaking out late at night to meet her at the waterfall. I never feel tired though, because I know I am going to see her. That itself sends a shoot of energy up my spine.

When we are at the waterfall, we normally kiss a lot. And talk. We talk about you to Stanley. And about her old life in New York. We bring blankets and huddle under the midnight sky.

"Don't you ever get scared Breeze. That one day, we're all going to be dead? What's after that?"

Breeze smiled into my neck, and huddled closer. The trees didn't look scary cloaked in darkness when I was with her. Instead they looked like majestical creatures. The blanket smelled sweet, like her.

"Well, I think that's why we got to live in the moment Nic. Live life so good that we don't think about that." She giggled.

Then I kissed her. Long and slow and sweet. It escalated quickly and I dragged my lips down to her ear, in the crook of her neck. I learned that she liked that spot. She moaned softly. That sound Stanley...It did crazy things to me. I sucked gently on her skin and she arched her back, pressing herself entirely into me. I felt her perfect breasts and moved a hand to touch them, gently. Her moan was louder, the only sound besides it was the waterfalls distant crashing. I squeezed and slipped my hands underneath her cotton pajama shirt and underneath her bra, feeling her soft flesh. Her breasts fit perfectly into my rough hands and I groaned. I felt electricity spark between us.

That was probably my favorite night with her so far.

My dirty thoughts have been constant. Sometimes I touch myself and pretend it's Breeze. She's intoxicating me. I can't ever seem to think of anyone that's not her. Besides you.

The fights are also getting even worse between Mom and Dad. They were both forced to go to the meeting with Kinley. I don't know what they talked about there, but Mom and Dad didn't tell me anything. So maybe they didn't even go. Or maybe they just didn't listen to what he said.

I defend Dad a lot more in the fights he has with Mom. I like to stick up for him.

"You are a lazy asshole you know that?" Mom shot at him one time.

"At least he isn't an angry and lonely waitress." I retorted. Mom was stricken and looked like she was going to cry. I instantly felt bad, but she's been even crueler to me then usual. She tells me so many harmful things. Things like "Your brother was better than you." Things like "I wish you could be like Stanley."

She makes me feel guilty for being myself.

I used to feel guilty about it too, but now I'm beginning to like myself. I'm beginning to see that it's ok that I'm not like you Stanley.

The insult was hidden inside of me, waiting to be provoked. What if she knew you did drugs Stanley? I wonder how she'd think of her perfect son then.

I was tempted to tell her, but I didn't. I didn't want to betray you like that.

Dad also comes home drunk a lot more but happier too.

"What do you do when you're outside?" I asked him one time. He was sitting at the dining table, drinking coffee. He had glasses on while reading the paper.

He seemed taken aback by the question but masked it with a lazy smile. "I live life of course."

I didn't know what he was talking about, but I decided not to press for further explanation.

"What does Mom do when she's outside?"

He put his paper down and took a sip of his coffee. He was pondering the answer.

"She tries to forget."

And that reminds me Stanley. One time, Breeze pointed out to be once that I never told her about my last day with you.

And that's because I can't ever think of it. It's like it never happened.

But I think that's what I have to do. Remember that day. What happened the day you went disappearing and all our lives came crashing down.

And then it will all be complete then.

That's when I will find you.