Caught Up In You

16- Not Ready For Goodbyes

Previously: Sanem: As I lathered up my hair up and felt my nails scratch my scalp, I felt a pair of hands curve around my waist. Can pulled me into his body and I giggled. "Can! You scared me!" "I hope this is okay, I just missed you. It was lonely out there without you," he said in a low sexy, whiny voice. "Can Divit, Mr. Travel All Over The World, is lonely in his own Chicago apartment after 10 minutes without me?" I said as I backed into the water, rinsing my hair. Once I opened my eyes, his were devouring my body. I felt a little shy, but before I could even think about it, we were lost in each other again, and I was starting to believe that we'd never make it out of the bedroom, after all.

Can
"Sanem, baby, wake up," I purred in her ear. We had fallen asleep and it was now 7 pm at night. I knew we needed to get dinner and Sanem would be upset if I didn't attempt to wake her. "Hmmm," is all Sanem could muster with a slight smile on her face. "Baby, do you want to sleep or get dinner?" I asked her as I rubbed her back, hoping to make her stir. It was an exhausting day for both of us, in the most delicious way. After the shower we continued into the office nook, then the kitchen counter, followed by the dining room table, the couch and then we ended up back in bed again. I still don't feel like I've gotten my fill of her, but the exhaustion overcame both of us and we fell asleep holding each other. I'm leaving in a few hours, my flight to Istanbul on the red-eye, I figured it would be less emotional for Sanem if I left after she falls asleep. I lay back down on the bed looking straight up to the ceiling, still feeling this anxiety. I'm not ready to go. I'm not ready to leave her. I know it's only six months, but it feels like a lifetime. "Hmm, Can. Do we have to go out?" Sanem says as she rolls over and puts her head on my chest. "No, love, we can order take out and stay here. Whatever you want to do," I say, stroking her hair absentmindedly. We agree to pizza, she hasn't had Chicago deep dish and it really is a must before I head back to Turkey. We both finally get up and I think the realization of my departure is hitting her. It doesn't help that I've started to pack and she's watching me trying so hard to hold back tears.

Sanem
I'm cursing myself for making such a big deal out of doing this workshop and staying in Chicago by myself. Can wanted to stay with me and had the ability to do so, but I really insisted that I needed to do this for me. Laying on my stomach, propped up on my forearms, I watch as he packs his bags while tears escape my eyes. My throat feels tight, I'm holding back the sobs that so desperately want to be released, I just can't let go of this feeling that I'm making a terrible decision by letting him go. "Bebek, what's wrong," Can says as he kneels down to meet me at eye level. I try so hard to keep it in, but Can pulls me into his arms and my body melts into his as I bawl into his chest. He rocks me and kisses my head, not saying much when I realize he's also softly crying. "Sanem, my love. I don't want to leave either, but I want to respect your wishes and I know that you'll get the hang of the city and make friends and find places to explore and call your own. If you want, I can come back in a couple of months to break up the time that we're apart," Can says as he stroking my back and gaining his own composure.

I pull away from him and look into his eyes, "Yes, please. Please come back in a couple of months, Can. I know that I'll adjust, I just want to be with you. I know that I can handle the city and this fellowship, but I want to share the experience with you. I'm sorry I was so overly strong in my ways. I just wanted to show everyone that I could do it on my own," I tell him while he pulls me back into his chest. "Bebek, I know you can do this on your own and I am so proud of you for coming this far with your writing and your talent. The time will go by so quickly, you'll see," Can said as the buzzer rang and our doorman notified us that the pizza was here.

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Can
Leaving Sanem was one of the hardest things I've done in a long time. I wouldn't let her come to the airport with me because I knew I wouldn't get on the plane if she did. Our goodbyes were tender and full of tears. She fell asleep before I had to leave. I left her love notes around the apartment in different places, wanting her to know how much she means to me even if I'm not there.

The plane ride was uneventful and I tried my best to sleep, but when I was reading my novel and found Sanem's note hidden in the pages, the unexpected tears stained my cheeks. These next few months are going to be brutal. I smiled knowing that I had found the love of my life and knowing that she was my everything comforted me as I came home to an empty house and an empty bed.

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Sanem
The first few weeks of the fellowship were difficult. Getting into the routine of having to write daily and turn in assignments that were all created to spark different writing processes and methods and stretch me as a creative writer left me drained in the evenings. All the fellowship writers are paired together to share outlines, work in teams and help push each other to get better. My partner is Levent. He's been published already in small publications and his mind is very different than mine. We spend hours together in coffee houses and the fellowship common rooms, as we create pieces that are read aloud to our fellow writers and get critiqued on the spot. I've realized that I must work on having thick skin because we're all here to get better and some really enjoy the critiquing part too much.

Can and I spoke every morning (my time) and seeing him on video chat always lifted my spirits. I told him about my workshops and the interesting people I was meeting and how I'd found my favorite Turkish restaurant that reminds me of home. As we were facetiming, the door rang and I answered it knowing Levent was coming over to pick me up so we could head to the cafe down the street. I didn't want Can to be upset, so I quickly said my goodbyes. Little did I know that I didn't fully disconnect the phone until after Levent had greeted me with a hug.