Tododeku angst

Chapter 19

Everything was great. Todoroki and I went on a few dates, I hung out with my mom, I even hung out with Kacchan some more. The psychiatrist in charge of me said I could go off my antidepressants. I hadn't even given a knife a second glance in weeks. 

Everything in my life was going uphill. 

Why had my brain decided to start up again? 

Why had I let myself be caught alone? 

Why? 

These questions had ran across my mind, over and over again as I looked at my shaky hand. The hand that was desperately clutching a bloody knife. 

I'm worthless. 

No one would care if I died. 

I shouldn't have been born. 

I'm only a burden. 

I pressed my hands against my ears, trying to block the internal voice. Every word was sounded out, every single thought stabbed deeper. Tears were flowing and flowing down my face as I cried. My arms stung, and my vision blurred. 

I hadn't cut myself in a while, but this time I couldn't contain myself as I cut and cut and cut. I just wanted to feel the pain I deserved. 

Just die. 

It'll be so easy. 

A bottle of pills, off of a bridge, knife in the heart, alcohol, drugs...

My mind ticked off all the ways I could end my life as I dragged the knife across my arm again. My shaky arm slowly brought the knife to my throat. 

"I could end it... one swipe and I'd be dead before my mom got home...." I whispered, pressing the blade against my throat. Before it could break skin, my arm fell limply in my lap. 

Even my stupid useless arm wanted me to suffer longer. 

"Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll kill myself..." I murmured, my eyes flitting closed. I could be at peace with only having to suffer another day. 

I would write another couple of notes. 

I would take Shoto out one last time. 

I  would fall asleep one last time. 

A smile stretched across my pale features. I could end it, just one more day.... 

I shot off of the couch as I heard a knocking at the door. Mom shouldn't be back for another hour, and Shoto should be back in three.

I walked to the door, my steps slow. The blood I lost earlier was taking a bigger toll on me than I thought. 

"Izuku?" My eyes widened at the two figures standing in the doorway. Ochako was standing in front of a pouting Kacchan. 

"U-uh, Ochako?" I stammered, taking a step back from them. 

She chuckled nervously. 

"I'm sorry, this probably doesn't sound great on your end... uh... I was sitting at home and all of a sudden I felt a violent urge to hang out with you. I met Bakugo-" She gestured behind her. "-Along the way, apparently he came as well," She finished off with a sheepish grin. 

My eyes slowly widened as I felt her words sink in. My eyes burned, and it was all I could do to keep from crying. The new lines along my wrists burned harder than ever, and shame and regret washed through me. 

"I-.... Would... Would you like to um... Would you like to come in?" I stuttered, my brain still trying to process everything. They could easily find out, and Kacchan doesn't even know I cut myself. Ochako will probably be checking as well. 

"Yeah sure!" She exclaimed. I moved sideways, beckoning them both in. 

Ochako sat on the couch instantly, while Bakugo awkwardly stood behind it. 

"Now, I know you know what I'm going to ask you, would you like Bakugo to leave the room?" She asked. I looked down at my feet. 

"...yeah..." I mumbled. I could almost feel a wave of anger roll off of Kacchan. 

"Like hell I will!" He shouted, causing me to flinch. "Whatever she can hear, I can to!" 

I was shaking now, barely able to keep tears from rolling down my face. 

"Kacchan.... do you mind.... hanging out in my bedroom for... a few minutes...?" My voice was slow and halting, fear shaking me. 

I felt a hand roughly grab my shirt collar. 

"What the hell is wrong with you!? You used to tell me everything!" He shouted. I started trembling, and weakly pushing at his hands. 

"Let go of him!" Ochako shouted. 

Kacchan's hand on my shirt fell limp, and I scrambled away from him. 

My eyes widened as I saw a tear roll down his face. 

"Did I do this?" He brought a hand up to his face. "I said I'm sorry! So stop being afraid of me!" He shouted. 

I stood by the door, still shaking. 

"I..." I trailed off, unable to find any words to say. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I also didn't want him to be like all those other people. 

Pity. 

Shame. 

Disgust. 

"Izuku... do you think you can trust him?" Ochako asked, her voice shaky as well. 

"I do, but not in this w-" I was cut off by Kacchan yelling again. 

"What are you two keeping a secret!?" He shouted. I flinched again. 

My breathing started to become labored. A tear rolled down my cheek. 

"Jeez... Bakugo, get out of here," Ochako said firmly. 

He only crossed his arms. 

"I'm not leaving," He stated. 

"Leave..." I trailed off, curling up into a ball. 

"What could be so bad that you act like this!?" He shouted. 

I flinched again. 

"Do you cut yourself or something!?" 

How on earth did he hit the mark? 

I looked up from my arms, the tears flowing freely now. I gave an awkward laugh. 

"Y-yeah actually," I stammered. 

"Fuck." 

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Holy cow this took a while to get out. I'm so sorry for the short and bad chapter! I've been having a ton of stuff stacking up, all keeping me away from my laptop. Also, hope you enjoyed the chapter! (Even if it wasn't great) 

Votes and comments appreciated! Thank you all so much!