Borderline

Three

   "I'll go first." A boy across the circle from me raises his hand slightly.

   "Thank you, Liam. How're you doing today?" Mali lifted her head and looked at him. He shifted in his seat for a moment. He shut his eyes tight then opened them again.

   "I'm doing okay. My foster parents still won't cooperate with family therapy. They're considering maybe finding a new family when I get closer to discharge." He brushed his curly hair away and it fell to his shaved sides. "Honestly, that's good right? I hated my foster family." He shifted again in his seat and looked down at his hands.

   "I'm glad you're able to look at some positives in the situation," She looked down and wrote something on her clipboard then lifted her head back up, "If you don't mind, Liam, sharing a little why you're here for anyone new." Liam shifted again and started rubbing his hands. He scanned the room and locked eyes with me, the only new person. It was like looking into an ocean. His eyes were sad and tired. 

   "Right before I got here I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Schizoaffective Disorder, bipolar type. I mean before that I'd been dealing with mental illness since I was young but I bounced around foster homes so I was really ignored most of the time. Whatever family I was with would just stick me in the hospital to get rid of my then the cycle continued. Finally, this last time, I was in the hospital and they decided to send me to residential." As he spoke he looked around the room losing his eye contact with me. When he was done he looked back down at his hands and a girl, with blue hair, sitting next to him patted him on the back.

   "Thank you for sharing, Liam. I know it's hard to talk about sometimes. Does anyone else want to go voluntarily?" Mali scanned the room. I raised my hand high in the air. "Oh and you're-"

   "Margo."

   "Yes, Margo. How are you settling in?"

   "Oh, yeah I'm doing just fine. I just have a few questions."

   "We're going to meet one on one after group, you can ask as many questions then."

   "No, I want to ask them now." All eyes fell on me. I could feel everyone's eyes studying every fiber of my being. "I want to know why I was brought here without the knowledge that this was a residential facility. I know I was a little out of it, but I still deserved to know."

   "Margo, I understand you're frustrated but the system here is a little different. At Lake Oak we have our patients stay 7 days then we have a treatment team meeting deciding if you need residential or not." 

   "Then why is she on Willow? This is the residential unit. Shouldn't she be on Harmon or something," blue hair asked.

   "Wait so this is specifically JUST  a residential unit? You have short term units?" I looked back and forth between Mali and blue hair.

   "Juniper, I am going to ask you to respect other patients. Not every case is the same." Mali said sternly.

   "I still want an answer to my question." I was starting to become more anxious and quite annoyed. I began fidgeting with my fingers.

   "Yeah, Mali, she deserves an answer. Don't you think?" Blue hair, I mean Juniper, was smiling now.

   "Juniper, please step out for the rest of this group." Mali looked dead at her. Juniper pushed her chair back with her body then stood up.

   "This is such bullshit." Juniper opened the door and walked out, not bothering to close it. Mali stood and closed the door. As she was walking back to her seat she spoke again.

   "Now, Margo, these questions will all be answered when we meet one on one after group." I nodded and slumped back in my chair. For the rest of the group I was in and out of daydreams, only listening when Sophia would whisper a factoid about another patient in my ear. When group was finally over I stretched my limbs out and yawned. "Tired?" I jumped, startled, and met eyes with Mali. "Would you like to have a chat?"

   "Well, I have plenty of free time so why not?"  I stood up and followed Mali to a room that looked the same as the room I was admitted in. We sat down and Mali turned on the computer and logged on. "So, now is my time to ask questions?"

   "Ask anything you'd like. I do have to do my social work assessment but us talking might help me answer a few things." Mali turned to me and smiles. She was young, late 20s at the most. She wore a blue and white stripped dress and a mustard color cardigan. I continued to study her and came to the conclusion that I envied her, just as I envied Sophia.

   "I want to know more about what you said in group. How come I came straight to the residential unit if there's an observation period?" I lean forward in my chair. 

   "Due to your psychiatric history our treatment team thought it would make more sense to do your observation period on Willow, we actually almost had you surpass the observation period and admit you as a residential patient. Now here on Willow you do get more freedom than other units, unfortunately right now you're on both suicide and run watch. Meaning, you cannot go on off campus outings for the time being and in the garden and courtyard area you'll have a staff member in arms reach of you at all times. This is only for your safety, most of our patients start out on this level. If you show that you cannot handle the freedom of the residential unit you'll be transferred to one of our more high security units, Harmon or Rosewood. If you have to be transferred all privileges are taken and you will be put on either 2 to 1 or 1 to 1 depending on your acuity level. That rule goes for any of our patients. We have residential patients be transferred to a high security unit until they are safe enough to return back here."

   "So if after this week, you decide I don't need residential, then what happens?"

   "I'm going to be honest with you, Margo, in you case that's not going to happen. The treatment team has already decided that you need residential." 

   "How is that even fair? They haven't even met me yet?"

   "Well with your history-"

   "That's bullshit! I still want to know what happens." I took a deep breath and leaned back.

   "You would have been transferred to one of our low security units to finish your stay, then discharge."

   "Do I have any chance of that happening to me?" Mali's expression softened.

   "I'm sorry, Margo, but no." After that I didn't ask anymore questions, because I understood. My mental illness has completely made this choice for me, Margo had no play in it. We did her assessment and she told me I would see her in another group later. I retreated back to my room to finish unpacking and to be away from everyone. I managed to unpack all four bags, make my bed, and organize my room fully without interruption. After all was done I sat on my bed and took a deep breath, then came a knock on my open door. I looked up at my doorway to see a pale  boy with blonde hair standing there awkwardly.

   "Hello?" I said to him.  He walked into my room. 

   "I'm Harper. Just thought I'd introduce myself. I liked the way you stood your ground in group. Most don't do that."

   "Well I just had questions."

   "Sometimes the people around you can help a lot more than you think. I'm talking about the patients, not the staff. Don't get me wrong they're pretty amazing given where we are but sometimes there's a little on the inside."

   "I've been to a psych hospital before, I know all that stuff." Harper laughed and gave me a half smile.

   "Margo, we've all been in psych hospitals before. We didn't just end up in here by chance." He reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and took two of them out. "We're all going outside to smoke, would you like to join and chat about the wonder that is Lake Oak, Willow unit?" He reached out his hand, holding a cigarette. I hesitated for a minute.

   "Actually, I would love to." I grabbed the cigarette from his hand and followed him outside, closing my bedroom door behind me.