A,
when you lose everything you have nothing to fear because you have nothing to lose. Whoever said that was right. You could say lots of things that are right, relatable. But words don't matter when you don't know what is right or how to get right. Rock bottom is not becoming suicidal. Rock bottom is when you don't care about going forward or backward. When you do not care where you are going as long as you are moving, that's when concern settles in. And suicide? Death? It is truly a marvelous thing to obsess over while living. How do you stop yourself from thinking "That's a beautiful car. I want it to hit me and break every bone within me"? How do you ignore the water so still, so deep before you, a being who couldn't achieve to float but managed to swim? What about those chains and rope? You need to replace the necklace that broke anyway. Where do you get rid of all the paper and plastic bags containing bottles full of pills and tiny bags full of powder without emptying more than a few into yourself? How are you supposed to confess that you kept collecting blades and using them? It was only on certain areas that you stopped using them on. How? And what the fuck are you turning away from? You are trying to escape nothing. You know you have no regrets or guilt. Stop it. But that is exactly what you want to do. You want to stop it.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
Stop it. Stop.
- A
