THE CHAPTERS: life lessons

chapter 3

 ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ

Relationships

Some of us may never find that someone special, but that doesn't mean we won't find special love in our lives. The lesson is that we don't always recognize love because we categorize it, declaring romantic love to be the only "real" kind. So many relationships, so much love all around us.

There's no such thing as an insignificant or accidental relationship. Every meeting, encounter, or exchange, with everyone from a spouse to an anonymous telephone operator, no matter how brief or profound, how posi- tive, neutral, or painful, is meaningful. And in the grand scheme of things, every relation- ship is potentially important, for even the most trivial encounter with a passing stranger can teach us a great deal about ourselves. Every person we encounter holds the possi- bility of sending us to happiness, to a loving place in the mind, or to a place of struggle and unhappiness. They all have the possibility of bringing us great love and great relationships where we least expect to find them.

We demand a lot from our romantic rela- tionships: healing, happiness, love, security, friendship, gratification, and companionship. We also want them to "fix" our lives, to lift us out of depression or bring us incredible joy. We're especially demanding of these relationships, expecting them to make us happy in every way. Many of us even believe that finding that someone special will improve all aspects of our lives. We don't often think this openly or consciously, but when we examine our belief systems, we find that the thought is there. Haven't you ever once thought some- thing like "If only I were married, everything would be great"?

It's one thing to view romantic relationships as wonderful, as sometimes challenging yet desirable experiences. They remind us of our unique perfection in the world, that we are not in any way broken. Problems arise when we mistakenly believe that they will "fix" us. Relationships cannot and will not fix us; it's fairy-tale thinking to believe so. Yet, it's no surprise that many of us engage in fairy-tale thinking. We are, after all, raised with fairy tales, often encouraged to believe that finding Prince Charming or the girl whose foot fits into the glass slipper will make us whole and complete. We're left with the impression that every frog needs to be a prince. We're subtly taught that until we find that someone special, we are just half a shell, part of a puzzle seeking completion.

Fairy-tale thinking is magical, fun, and has its place. But too much lets us off the hook, relieving us of the responsibility of making ourselves happier or better, of handling problems with our careers or families, of dealing with all the other problems of life. Instead, it lets us believe that wholeness, completeness, and solutions will spring from someone special.

Wholeness and completeness must come from within you. Finding that someone spe- cial won't cure issues with intimacy or com- mitment problems. It won't make you happier at work, won't get you that raise, won't make your grades shoot up, won't make the neigh- bors or city hall any nicer. If you were an unhappy single person, you'll be an unhappy spouse. If you were unable to settle into a career, finding that someone special will make you a careerless person with a partner. If you were a poor parent, you'll be a poor parent in a relationship. And if you felt that you were nothing without Mr. or Ms. Right, those feel- ings of nothingness will eventually surface in the relationship. The wholeness and com- pleteness you seek are in you, waiting to be discovered.

The search for wholeness in someone to love is based in the concept that we're not enough, we're not complete, we can't gener- ate our own love, we can't create our own happiness in our personal, social, and work lives. The real answer lies in ending the search and completing ourselves. Instead of trying to find someone to love, let's make ourselves more worthy of being loved. Instead of trying to get the partners we already have to love us more, let's become worthier of being loved. And let's ask ourselves if we are giving as much love as we wish to get, or if we expect people to love us dearly even if we're not so lovable and giving. As the saying goes, if your own boat doesn't float, no one will want to sail across the ocean with you.