THE CHAPTERS: life lessons

Chapter 13

ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ
Forgiveness

We need to forgive so that we can live whole lives. Forgiveness is the way to heal our hurts and wounds, it's how we reconnect with others and ourselves. We have all been hurt we didn't deserve the pain, but were wounded nonetheless. And, if truth be told, we have almost certainly hurt others. The problem isn't that hurt happens, it's that we can't or won't forget it. This is the hurt that keeps on hurting. We go through life accumulating these hurts; we have no training or guidance in how to let them go. This is where forgiveness comes in.
We have a choice to live in forgiveness or unforgiveness. Forgiveness can ironically be a selfish act in that it matters more to the wounded than to those who did the wound- ing. The dying often find a peace they lacked in life because dying is letting go; so is for- giving. When we do not forgive, we hang on to old wounds, hurts, and upsets. We keep the unhappy parts of the past alive and feed our resentments. When we don't forgive, we become slaves to ourselves.
Forgiveness offers us much, including that sense of wholeness we are sure was perma- nently taken from us by the offender. It offers us a freedom to again be who we are. We all deserve the chance to give ourselves and our relationships a fresh start. That chance is the magic of forgiveness. Once we forgive oth- ers, or ourselves, we are restored to a place of grace. Just as a broken bone is stronger than before the break when it heals, our relation- ships and our lives can be stronger when for- giveness heals our wounds.
The dying can teach us much about gen- uine forgiveness. They do not think, "I have been so right, and in being so right, I can see how wrong you have been. In my bigness I will forgive you." They think, "You've made mistakes and so have I. Who hasn't? But I no longer want to define you by your mistakes or have me be defined by mine."
There are many blocks to forgiveness. Chief among these is the feeling that by forgiving we are condoning the behavior that hurts us.
But to forgive is not to say, "It's okay that you hurt me." It means we let the hurt go for our own sakes when we realize that holding on to grudges forces us to live in unhappi- ness. People who are reluctant to forgive need to remember that they are not punishing any- one except themselves.
Forgiveness does not mean letting people walk all over us. It's about charity in the best sense of the word. When we forgive, we remember that someone was not at their best when they hurt us. We remember that they are more than their errors. They're human, they made mistakes, and they themselves have been wounded just as we were. Ultimately, forgiveness happens inside us. We forgive to heal ourselves. Someone else's behavior is someone else's behavior. We don't have to forgive the behavior, we only need to forgive the person.
The desire for revenge is another block to forgiveness. Getting even only gives us a tem- porary feeling of relief or satisfaction, if that. Then we feel guilty for lowering ourselves to the kind of behavior we thought was wrong in the first place. We want whoever hurt us to know how much we hurt, so we lash out-and then we only hurt more. There is nothing wrong with communicating our hurt; but again, it becomes self-punishment when we hang on to it.
It can be hard to forgive. Sometimes it's easier to ignore the situation. Many times we have the urge to forgive but we put it off, pas- sively allowing a stream of misery to trickle through our lives. It may not be until our lives are challenged that we realize we don't want to live like this, and that we may not have for- ever to clear the water.
Unforgiveness keeps us stuck. We know this old terrain well and may have become so comfortable with it that forgiveness can feel like venturing into the unknown. It is often easier to blame someone than to repair a rela- tionship. With our eyes focused on their mis- takes, we don't have to look at ourselves and our issues. In forgiveness we take back our
power to live and flourish beyond an offend- ing incident. Living in the hurt keeps us per- petual victims; in forgiveness we transcend the hurt. We don't have to be permanently wounded by anyone or anything. There is great power in this awareness.
Telling you how to forgive in a few easy steps is like telling you how to save the world-it's that hard to do. Forgiving can feel gut-wrenching; that's why sometimes it feels like trying to save the world. By the way, that is how you save the world.
When, as children, we got hurt or hurt oth- ers, someone usually said, "I'm sorry." Now that we're adults, these apologies don't come so often. And sometimes, when they do come, we decide they're not enough. When children do wrong, we see their fear, their confusion, their lack of knowledge. We see them as human. But as adults we tend to see those who hurt as what they did to us. They become one-dimensional characters defined only by the pain they have caused. The first step in forgiving is to see them as human beings again. They make mistakes; at times they're weak, insensitive, confused, and in pain. They're faulty, fragile, lonely, needy, and emotionally imperfect. In other words, they're just like us. They are souls on a jour- ney filled with ups and downs.
Once we can acknowledge they are human, we can begin to forgive them by becoming aware of our anger. We must get that blocked energy out by yelling into a pillow, telling a friend how angry we are, screaming, or doing whatever else it takes to let it out. Then, often, we will find the sadness, pain, hate, and hurt that was underneath the anger. When we do, we must let ourselves feel these feelings. Next comes the hardest part: letting those feelings go. Forgiveness is not about the people who hurt you; don't worry about them. Whatever they did was probably more about them, their world, and their problems than about us. In letting them off the hook we will find free- dom. Everyone has issues to deal with, none of which is our business. Our business is our peace of mind, our happiness.
As much as we all may want to always be able to practice forgiveness, it is a daunting task. And as long as we're human, it may be impossible to completely forgive everybody for every single thing. I realize in my own life there are things I am having trouble forgiv- ing, and if I don't forgive every little single thing by the time I die-that's okay, because I don't want to die a saint.
When I was still very sick and dependent, I had nurse's aides coming in to take care of me. I noticed they seemed to be throwing out an enormous amount of trash. Big plastic bags of trash every day. At the time, I was confined to bed and thought, "I just don't have that much trash!"
When I questioned them, they said they were just taking out the trash. It wasn't until later, when I was able to move around more, that I realized they were stealing from me every day. Not only were they taking things of monetary value, they were stealing the few mementos I still had after my last house burned down. Paintings, diplomas, and degrees were gone. I have a tough heart, so I didn't have a heart attack. I should forgive, but I don't want to. Not yet. I'm not even working on it. Obviously, I'm not ready yet.
Ironically, the person we most often need to forgive is ourselves. We have to forgive our- selves for what we have done, and for what we have not done. Anytime we think we have made a mistake, we must forgive ourselves; if we feel we haven't learned a lesson, we must forgive ourselves for not learning.
What we need to forgive ourselves for doesn't always make sense-it may not even have been a real mistake. Often, especially if we are young, we feel responsible for events around us-usually more than we should.
We are here in this life to make mistakes, to accidentally hurt one another, to get ourselves lost from time to time. If we were perfect, we wouldn't be here at all. And the only way to learn to forgive ourselves is to make a few mistakes. We did what we did because we are human. If we did something so temble that we cannot forgive ourselves, we can always give it to God to handle. We can say, "God, I can't forgive myself yet. Can you forgive me and help me find forgiveness in myself?" Remember that forgiveness is not a once- in-a-lifetime task, it is ongoing. It is our spir- itual maintenance plan. Forgiveness helps keep us at peace and in touch with love. Our only task is to try to open our hearts again.