𝐓𝐎 : 𝐘𝐎𝐔✉︎

"a burden"

📍september 16th, 2019📍
⏰10:00pm⏰
— after —

[ lilian ]

I feel happy.
I pull back from Jeongguk, a sigh escaping him as he opens his eyes slightly, seeing my eyes trail further to the ground, my hands resting neatly in my lap as I feel the slight tingle of the sparks that flew onto our lips when we kissed.

I want to say something, mumble a word at least, but suddenly I can't see anything except blurry images of my hands, grasping the sleeves of Jeongguk's jacket. I wipe them away, breathing in as I look up at him.

"I need to explain myself. I-I know you probably hate me right now, a-"

He laughs.
"Are you kidding me Lily? I literally kissed you and you think I hate you? Still a little dumb and oblivious, but go on."

"Ah, right. I'm stupid. Uhm, okay look Jeongguk. The reason why I broke up with you, was never because of you. God, you're too good for me and so precious and perfect and you can do nothing to make me hate you."

"I only told you those lies because I thought they would be believable. Over the fact that I didn't want to bring you into my life problems and issues about myself that I still dwell over every day. And every single time I second-guessed myself, or felt depressed, or didn't feel happy, I always thought to myself; Jeongguk deserves better. A woman who's strong and independent. A woman who can feel weak, but always come back strong." I clench my fists.

"I never felt that. The feeling of completely loving yourself no matter what. So I broke up with you. It sounds really dumb and stupid, I know. After basically 3 1/2 years of being together and now I'm afraid of commitment? The only explanation I could give myself, and you, was that I had just lost a best friend that day, feeling like complete and utter crap, and I wasn't in the mood for anything. Yes, I could've told you, but I always felt like I was being too dependent on you for my problems and emotions."

"I just felt that if I was out of the picture, you wouldn't feel like you had a weight on your shoulders, carrying my load with you wherever you went. Look, what I'm trying to say is that I was always scared, even from the first time we met at the park, I was scared. Because letting someone as caring and sweet and thoughtful as you made me feel emotions that made my heart swell. You showed me moments in life that were so small, yet so precious to me because it was with you."

I feel myself leaning forward and grasping his hands.

"You don't have to love me for what I've done, I don't deserve it honestly. You're amazing in every way Jeongguk, please don't forget how special you are to me."

"And no matter what.."
He sucked in a breath.

i love you.