김태형| Sexologist

41 » Lost Tears

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"The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes had no tears."

Slowly and almost reluctantly, your eyes opened, your eyelashes faintly batting against your lids when you blinked.

You blink, close your eyes, and blink again.

The streaks of light seep, your eyes lay toward the naked fluorescent tubes that flicker as though they are on their last legs, blinding you. You woke from a heavy sense, first aware of the coolness of the air against your body and a smell, stuffy and the air has an undertone of bleach. Your eyes wander around, everything is blurry. For a second, you don't know who or where you are. Walls around you are simply cream, not peeling or stained, just cream. The room is devoid of charm. There is no decoration at all save the limp curtain that hangs over the window.

Aside from your own sturdy breath, there came noisy sniffles echoing through the room. Taehyung. He sat back in a chair just a few inches away from you. His mouth was set in a semi-pout. His shoulders were slumped and his eyes cast down in a pitiable gaze through his fallen bangs that somewhat covered his eyes. His hair was not too long, not too short. Not too straight nor too curly. The shade was so dark with bright shines creating a great contrast. Suddenly a single tear rolled down his cheek, tear-stained face. He wiped it away almost immediately, crossing his arms again, sulking in his gloom.

It was his world, monotonous and you could feel his energy leaving him like an ink stain into blotting paper. His shadow was flat and drained, like a used tea bag.

You didn't like seeing him like this, it hurt.

You realize you are hurting him and you're so sorry, you lure him into this huge confusion you've created. You pull with one hand - push away with the other. You know your doing it but you don't stop. You want to stop, you want him to be happy, to be genuine, to have all of you and not the hurt.

Stop...

Stop it now.

Stop crying over spilled milk, stop crying over a man who's no longer here, that treated you like shit in his last bits.

You had thought of yourself to be awakened but you weren't. You live in a nightmare of sorts, more vicious than most, more lucid, thinking too hard on the past. It's sad what happen, sevens years gone in a bullet, in weariness. Where you wander; several have walked before. The scars that mark your body are strange to all common beings. The blame you have suffered at your own hand and those of others, Ji-Young, brought forth more tears than any dam could possibly hold. But strangely enough, you found yourself in all this pain. You've learned to fight every moment-to remember, that's apart of life; just a long cycle of remembering and forgetting. Nothing going to change it, no matter how much you linger your thoughts on it, beat yourself up, complain, you'll cry, hurting only but yourself.

It's time to move on.

Move on with new images.

There's something special in your heart now, someone new, you're looking right at him.

Taehyung.

He loves you, cares about you, he's always here for you.